


I Hope You Lie To Me

by NikNak22



Series: I Will Always Choose You [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew Minyard Loves Neil Josten, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst with a capital A, Because these boys need to learn to communicate, Canon Compliant, Demisexual Neil Josten, Exy (All For The Game), Frottage, Growing, Hurt Neil Josten, Like LOTS of angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Neil Josten loves Andrew Minyard, OC characters, Oblivious Neil Josten, POV Neil Josten, Post-Canon, Smut, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, but also soft, no beta we die like men, not a breakup fic, slow burn angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:20:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27422608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikNak22/pseuds/NikNak22
Summary: Neil is Demi, but Andrew is Gay.  It's a distinction Neil's never really paid attention to before, barely thought twice about at least in regards to himself.  But after an incident at Eden's, and a specific comment from Andrew, Neil starts wondering if there are several things he hasn't noticed.  It leads him on a downward spiral of self-doubt, depression, and his usual martyr-like tendencies that can only have one conclusion.  He loves Andrew so he wants him to be happy- even if it's with someone else.  So he'll let him go...but only if he asks.
Relationships: Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Matt Boyd/Danielle "Dan" Wilds, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick/Erik Klose
Series: I Will Always Choose You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2087217
Comments: 480
Kudos: 965





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my gosh, guys! I've had this idea for a while now and am so glad that I've finally got it down on paper! Let's see what trouble we can get up to with two boys who love each other desperately, but can't communicate to save their lives lol. Set in Neil's junior year and Andrew's Senior...or fourth year. Whatever.
> 
> Title inspired by 5 Seconds of Summer's song, I Hope You Lie To Me. (*angst vibes*)
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Past rape/non-consent (nothing graphic, mentioned more in passing); Mild Violence; Literally one line in here from Neil that's forcing me to label this whole work as "explicit" (ignore his last text message to Andrew in this chapter if that's not your thing!)
> 
> All copyright rights to the characters, dialogue, and canon events belong solely to Nora Sakavic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's see what the gang is up to at Eden's Twilight...

Eden’s Twilight is packed tonight. 

Neil doesn’t think it’s for any special occasion but that doesn’t mean much. He’s never been one to pay attention to holidays or the calendar in general. All he knows is that bodies are packed in here like sardines, and the smell is a stifling mix of salt, cheap perfume, and desperation. It’s nauseating if he focuses on it. The bass beats a rhythm that has the table vibrating. The loud hum of the crowd is smothered over it, pierced only by the occasional shout of some wasted soul. They pulse under his skin like a living thing.

It’s also unbelievably hot. 

Summer in South Carolina brings a wave of humidity that coats the air, drenching its natives with enough pressure and heat to make them stir-crazy. It’s inescapable and irritating. Neil can hear the whir of air conditioners dying, vainly trying to pump cool air into a room with too many bodies to make a difference.

He’s just gotten back from the bar with more drinks for the others, and his fourth water of the night. As he slides back into the booth, he curses under his breath. This is frustrating in multiple ways. 

First, all this liquid keeps forcing him to use the john. Yet despite the amount of water he’s sucking down, he can’t seem to beat the heat. Sweat crawls down the back of his neck and he can feel a droplet continue between his shoulder blades. His shirt feels disgusting. If he wasn’t so conscious of his scars, and the unwanted attention the action would bring, he’d strip it off in a heartbeat.

Second, the crush at the bar is unbelievable. Roland is a hurricane behind it, making drinks as fast as his fingers can fly. In order for Neil to get his attention though, he has to squeeze himself between other patrons and the bar. There’s been so many hands touching and bodies sliding against him that his skin is crawling. He’s taking a shower as soon as he possibly can. 

But third, and most importantly, it keeps separating him from Andrew. 

If Neil doesn’t like the crowd, Andrew hates it. He’s forced Neil or Kevin to go get drinks each time tonight, and while Kevin bitches, Neil can’t blame him. He hopes the others might call it an early night since their usual haunt has been run over by whatever is happening here. But Kevin, Nicky and Aaron look like they’re only getting warmed up, picking up on the energetic vibe of the crowd and running with it. 

Neil stifles a sigh. 

Andrew lifts an eyebrow at him. _What’s your problem?_

Neil ignores him. He scowls at the dark sea of bodies swaying on the dance floor before Nicky suddenly blocks his view. 

“Woohoo!” he screams as he sits down. “This is the fucking best!” Aaron and Kevin are right behind him. They slide into the booth, chests panting as they grab for their drinks. “Having fun, Neil?”

Neil glares at him.

All too quickly, Nicky drains his glass. “Captain…” he coos, fluttering his lashes. “Won’t you be a doll and get your friends some more drinks?”

But Neil has had enough. “Fuck off.”

A drunk Nicky is undeterred though. He swings immediately towards Andrew. “Andrew? Cousin mine?”

Andrew is not swayed by this endearment. He glowers at Neil who crosses his arms over his chest. “I’ve been getting them all night. It’s your turn.”

His tone is dangerously petulant, but Neil can’t find it in himself to care. He wants to leave. He doesn’t want to be with Nicky and the others any longer. He wants to go home and crawl into bed with Andrew, like he’s been craving all week. But regardless of his wants, he doesn’t think Andrew will stand for it and waits for the tongue lashing.

Andrew takes one glance at Kevin, who’s swaying dangerously even though he’s seated, before he sighs. He grabs their empties and loads them back onto the tray before weaving through the crowd. 

Neil’s stomach does a small flip at the concession.

As Nicky chatters on inanely, Neil ignores him to watch Andrew. He’s barely able to see him between the people going by, but he can just spot him forcing his way into a corner of the bar so his back is against the wall. Neil gives a small smile at this.

Andrew says something quick to Roland, who throws his head back and laughs, teeth shining white in the dark. Then he gets busy making whatever orders Andrew has given him. Andrew pulls out his phone while he waits. 

Inspired, Neil whips out his own and quickly types.

**Neil:** Hot blonde standing by the bar. Maybe I should talk to him. Get his number.

Neil sees Andrew’s eyes narrow before he snorts. Then he types something back. Neil’s phone vibrates not a second later. 

**Andrew** : You wouldn’t know where to start. 

Neil grins as the two of them go back and forth. 

**Neil:** How would you know? I’ve been told I’m fairly attractive. I bet I could make a move. 

**Andrew:** Go ahead. Let him listen to you drone on about Exy and see where that gets you. 

**Neil:** Mmm I bet he’ll love it. Especially when I tell him how good I am with my hands. 

**Andrew:** He’ll realize you’re an idiot the moment you open your mouth. 

**Neil:** Or maybe he’ll start thinking about what I could do with my mouth.

**Andrew:** Tell lies?

Neil huffs out a laugh. 

**Neil** : No. 

Then he pauses before typing. 

**Neil:** How he could push me to my knees and shove his dick down my throat. Thrust his fingers into my hair and pull hard. Have me beg for it. I’ve wanted him to ever since we got here.

Neil watches Andrew freeze before his head snaps up to meet Neil’s gaze across the room. His eyes are hard beacons, unrelenting as he stares Neil down. Hunger rises in them, sharp and unbidden. 

Feeling comfortable with this is fairly new for both of them. At first, sexting had been hard, especially for Neil; he’d been overwhelmed and mortified for days after Andrew sent his first text. But Neil was a fast learner, especially as he realized it gave him a safe way to express how badly he wanted Andrew at times. He sometimes still felt like an idiot sending them, but he knew he was safe with Andrew and that it didn’t mean they always acted on whatever was said. It also gave Andrew the ability to distance himself and process his reactions. Overall, Neil thought it was working well for them. 

So well, in fact, that he purposefully lifts an eyebrow and smirks in response to Andrew’s now probably uncomfortable state by the bar. Andrew narrows his eyes and begins typing something. Neil sees the three dots pop up on his phone and eagerly waits for the response. 

Then the spell is broken as some drunk asshole plows into Andrew. 

Andrew is caught off guard, which Neil guiltily realizes is his fault. He jumps to his feet as Andrew grabs onto the bar, finding his balance. Neil can tell the guy is apologizing from here. He also sees the moment the guy uses the opportunity to hit on Andrew. 

_Big mistake_ , Neil thinks, his eyes narrowing. Hopefully the place is too crowded for security to notice a tiny blonde cramming sharp objects into some idiot’s throat. Then again, maybe he should hope that they do. Kicking them out would mean Neil could go home sooner. 

He stands rigid, waiting for Andrew to snap into action. 

Except for some reason, Andrew isn’t shoving the guy back, threatening with knives and snarling at him. His eyes are wide, frozen. He’s been triggered by something, trapped in some memory. 

He’s vulnerable.

Neil rushes out of the booth, stepping on Kevin in his haste and earning him an earful, but the crowd is too thick for him to move quickly. He pushes and shoves his way down to the bar, but he can’t move fast enough. His eyes are locked on Andrew as he forces his way through the crowd, determined to make it, determined to be there in time. 

But as he draws close, someone else steps up to the plate. 

The drunk guy is shoved back by another man who, from what Neil can tell, rips him a new one. The asshole goes slinking off like a dog with his tail between his legs. Then Andrew’s savior turns to him. 

He’s a little taller than Neil but not by much. His skin is the color of whipped coffee, paired with dark hair and green eyes like Kevin’s. He's got tattoos crawling up his arms, his lip and eyebrow are pierced, and he’s got a set of rings lining the shell of his right ear. His clothes are black, mirroring Andrew’s, but he has an easy smile on his face that’s surrounded by a short-trimmed beard. 

He doesn’t crowd Andrew, doesn’t touch him or even reach a hand out. But Neil can see him talking low, his face drawn in concern. 

Finally, Andrew seems to come to. He stares at the guy for a second, and Neil expects him to plow his fist into the guy’s stomach. But instead Andrew nods at him before reaching around and grabbing the full tray of drinks Roland has stacked on the bar. Then he stares the other man down. 

With an amused grin, the guy holds his hands up and steps to the side of Andrew, giving him room to move forward. Andrew takes off and doesn’t look back. 

Neil meets up with him not three steps away. “Are you okay?”

Andrew doesn’t spare him a glance but keeps moving back towards the table. Neil follows silently. When he gets there, Andrew flings the tray down with a startling clang, causing some of the liquid to spill. 

“What the hell?” Aaron snaps, snagging a shot glass quickly. Nicky and Kevin immediately follow suit. They act like Andrew might throw the drink tray just for the hell of it. It’s a distinct possibility.

Andrew doesn’t reply as he sits down sharply on the edge of the booth seat. When he makes no plans to move or let Neil slide past, Neil sighs. He steps up onto the booth seat on the other side, walking over Nicky and Aaron to get back to his spot. He ignores their protests as he slides back down into the middle of the curved seat. 

“Ooh are you mad, Andrew, because that hottie at the bar saved you?” Nicky asks, because he obviously has a death wish. 

“Shut the fuck up, Nicky,” Neil warns. 

“Because he was fine as hell, Andrew. Just your type,” Nicky purrs, oblivious. 

“Shut the fuck up, Nicky,” Andrew repeats, and there’s a real threat behind his words that Neil’s was lacking. 

“Tall, dark and handsome,” Nicky cradles his chin in his hands, leaning his elbows on the table. There’s a far-off look on his face. “Those eyes, those hands- what I’d ask that boy to do with them. And that lip piercing! Damn, tell me you saw that, Andrew.”

“Jesus, that’s disgusting,” Aaron moans. 

And even though Andrew is feeling off, Neil can see him pause as he looks at his brother. He doesn’t know if it’s to spite Aaron, or to prove to Neil that he’s fine (or maybe prove to himself that he’s fine), but Andrew’s reply is calculated, and far from the death threat Neil was sure he’d been about to deliver. 

He rolls his eyes and says, “I’m gay, Nicky, not blind.”

Aaron chokes on his drink before he mimes hurling. Nicky gapes then starts grinning, his cheeks flushed and his eyes wide at Andrew’s admission. Even Kevin turns to stare at him fuzzily. 

But Neil is rocked to the core. 

_Andrew is gay._

This shouldn’t be the startling revelation that it is. After all, this _nothing_ they’ve been doing clearly shows where Andrew’s inclinations lie. Plus, the man is never one to mince words. 

Neil knows Andrew’s had partners before him. Roland for one, but also others that he’s alluded to back from juvie. Andrew’s mentioned this all before. It shouldn’t be a surprise.

But today, with that one simple sentence, it’s as if the fog has lifted and suddenly he realizes he’s standing on a cliff’s edge. Or hesitating by the open door of a plane, ready to jump, before learning that he doesn’t have a parachute. It’s that horrible sensation of vertigo that he’s sure Andrew feels whenever they’re on the roof. And he wonders why he hasn’t figured this out before. 

Neil has been so focused on his own sexual exploration with Andrew. He’s been wrapped up in the novelty of it, the boundaries the two crossed and created together. He knows there will never be another besides Andrew for him. He is Neil’s end and his beginning. His only. 

But Andrew isn’t demi like Neil. Andrew is gay. 

_He has other options._

He looks up and catches Aaron’s eye of all people, who has his head tilted as he stares at Neil blankly. It’s an expression that the twins share. But then a corner of his mouth turns up smugly. He’s amused at something. 

Neil narrows his eyes at him. 

Aaron responds by lifting a single eyebrow, then says under his breath in German, “ _Guess you should have been faster.”_

Then he snorts and looks away from Neil, dismissing him. 

And now Neil’s heart is beating a staccato rhythm, almost bursting out of his chest. He can’t seem to look at anyone at the table even though he hears the conversation move on. His feet trudge beneath him mindlessly when they finally call it quits for the night. 

Though panic coats his throat, he tries for some semblance of normalcy, survival instincts activating that tell him to blend in, stay out of sight. He can’t let Andrew see, not until he’s had a chance to think things over. 

He holds his hand out for the keys, a silent offer to drive. But Andrew keeps them firmly in his grip. Neil isn’t surprised. Andrew needs control and space tonight. 

When they reach the house in Columbia, Neil doesn’t bother going upstairs. 

He straightens shoes in the hallway, ensures all the doors are locked, places glasses of water by Nicky and Aaron’s beds. He grabs one last glass and sets it on the coffee table, next to where Kevin is sleeping on the couch, before he drops into the armchair. His skin shudders under the steady stream of air from the A/C unit, the sudden drop in temperature like a slap in the face compared to the club. He listens to Kevin snore and stares up at the popcorn ceiling until his mind finally shuts down. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins...
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm so glad you're able to come on this journey with me, and I hope you enjoy it! I'll be honest in that I'm *terrible* at answering comments but I do love hearing your reactions so please feel free to hit me up with them! I promise I will read every single one of them and try to answer when I can!!
> 
> Can't lie, that one line from Andrew was totally inspired by Whatmack's post here: https://whatmack.tumblr.com/post/179934227558/edens-patron-leaning-flirtily-towards-neil-damn
> 
> Preview for next time:  
> He puts his keys on the side table before going over to his desk and dropping his bookbag next to it. When he turns, Andrew is standing right in front of him. Neil leans back against the desk.
> 
> Andrew tilts his head and considers.
> 
> He takes another step towards Neil, and Neil parts his legs until Andrew is standing between them. Andrew slowly leans forward until his hands are flat on the desk behind Neil. But he doesn’t touch him.
> 
> Neil’s pulse starts humming.
> 
> Andrew stares at Neil’s lips before dragging his gaze up. “Yes or no?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil has a coffee date with himself, we meet Garrett for the first time, and Neil performs a curious internet search.
> 
> AKA: "Kevin Regrets His Living Arrangements", Part I

His revelation sticks with him, past the weekend and into next week when they arrive back on campus. Summer courses are wrapping up, which means the rest of the Foxes will be coming back soon to start training. The campus isn’t empty but has a more tolerable amount of people in Neil’s opinion. It allows him to grab a coffee from the shop and sit and enjoy it instead of immediately running back to his dorm room. 

That’s what he’s doing now and, for the first time in his life, he’s trying to look at who’s in the shop with him. He stares at the different patrons, considering. 

_Just your type_ , Nicky had said to Andrew. 

What does that mean, Neil wonders? He’s never had a type. Never been attracted to anyone outside of Andrew. He’d been curious as to what the fuss was all about, which is why he’d let girls from his past kiss him. But he’d never felt any kind of pull, any draw that had him thinking about someone in that way. 

So he’s trying to experiment. Looking around the coffee shop, he tries to think of it from the rest of the world’s point of view. What did they see when they looked at the people in here?

He starts with two girls who are currently by the register. Judging from the whispered tones and snickers of the table behind him, Neil assumes they’re attractive enough to garner attention. Both girls are of average height, one with short blonde hair that falls near her ears, while the other has curly black waves drawn back in a ponytail. They’re both laughing, smiling, and chatting animatedly as they wait for their orders. The blonde is wearing some kind of combined shorts and top (he thinks Allison maybe called it a romper?) while ponytail wears a dress and high-heel boots. He catalogues the colors they’re wearing, the way they’re positioned against the counter, how ponytail twirls her hair.

They remind Neil faintly of gerbils- cute from a distance in that precious small thing kind of way. But that’s it. There’s nothing more. 

He tries to push himself. Both girls look well-groomed, he supposes. Their clothes are appropriate- they don’t look homeless or ill-fitted. Neither of them has any obvious hygiene issues, and he assumes that their haircuts are in style. They look healthy. And from what he can tell they both have straight teeth…and suddenly he realizes he sounds like he’s buying a horse. 

He winces before mentally apologizing to the girls. Unsurprisingly, they don’t notice, grabbing their coffees and leaving the shop without a second glance. 

He runs a hand frustratingly through his hair. Okay, okay. This wasn’t an overnight change for him. He’d kissed girls before, has seen girls before, and there was never anything there. And he was attracted to Andrew, who is most decidedly a guy. Perhaps it’ll be easier to try and pull out what others find attractive about men.

His eyes flit around the shop until he finds a new subject. There’s a guy standing in line staring at his phone. Like the guy back at Eden’s, he’s got a lip piercing. His hair is styled in soft, caramel waves. He’s wearing skinny jeans and boots, and a vest over his t-shirt. When the barista addresses him, he looks up with dark eyes, smiling softly without showing teeth. There’s a smattering of freckles across his nose, and Neil can just barely make out some sort of scar on his chin. When he’s done placing his order, he goes right back to his phone, typing something. 

Neil recalls Nicky saying something about tattoo guy’s hands, so he observes coffee shop guy’s hands. They look normal. Unpainted, clean fingernails, a single hangnail on the thumb. Palms are a little wider than his fingers are long. There are no marks, freckles, scars, or burns on them. Compared to Neil’s, they look much nicer. 

Neil stares down at his own hands and frowns slightly. 

He thinks the guy looks polite, and non-threatening. Probably is nice, perhaps a little shy. Definitely soft. 

Neil doesn’t think he can ever be soft. 

Now his brows are drawn together, arms crossing against his chest. When did this exercise become about him? Why was he comparing himself against this unknown guy? Should he be?

He flicks a glance to coffee guy’s lips. Does Andrew like piercings? Should he get one? He’s never thought about it before. But the thought of putting one more hole in his body makes his gut feel queasy. 

Neil runs a hand along the edge of his jaw. Tattoo guy had a beard. Neil has never thought of growing one, is pretty sure it would look weird with the scarring on both sides of his face. But he hasn’t actually asked Andrew’s opinion on the matter. Should he be? Is he screwing up by not asking? 

Andrew is always forthcoming with how he feels about Neil’s clothes. He likes dressing Neil up. Neil likes letting him do it. But he doesn’t comment on how Neil looks. In fact, he doesn’t comment on what part of Neil he finds attractive at all. 

Frustrated and feeling more off-center than before, Neil dumps his untouched coffee into the trash bin and heads back to the dorm.

He knows why this isn’t working. It’s why demisexual had made so much sense to Neil in the first place. Because the coffee shop was a room full of strangers. Neil didn’t know them, had zero connection to who they were as a person, what their likes and dislikes were, how they felt about things. He didn’t know if they were someone he could trust. 

It was like trying to pick a couch or a sweater on the internet. There were tons that looked nice. But Neil didn’t care how they looked. He was more interested in the way they made him feel. 

And no one had ever made him feel anything close to what Andrew did.

But Neil hadn’t even looked at Andrew that way when he first met him. Neil didn’t swing and he’d meant it. One of the only truths he’d been able to spare. In fact, his first impressions of Andrew had pissed him off. It wasn’t until months later when Andrew told Neil to give him his back, when Neil dropped the weight of all his troubles on Andrew and he didn’t buckle beneath them, when he promised Neil things and kept his word, that Neil really began to look. And then he couldn’t stop. 

He just never considered that this might be a problem. That perhaps the reasons why Andrew is with Neil, are not the same as why Neil is with Andrew. That Neil doesn’t know enough, isn’t experienced enough, to tell.

He trudges up the stairs of Fox Tower slowly, pulling his key out as he reaches the landing. When he opens the suite door, he sees Andrew standing over by the counter. He’s in front of an open cupboard door, peering into it as if searching for something. He’s wearing a sleeveless sweatshirt, sweatpants, and his trademark armbands. His hair is slightly mussed, as if he’d been sleeping. 

Neil is suddenly seized with the urge to run his hands through that hair, to drag his mouth up the column of Andrew’s pale throat, to plaster his chest to Andrew’s back and draw the man against him. The need blindsides him momentarily. Then something cool rushes over his chest, icing the sudden heat. He closes the door. 

At the sound, Andrew turns and locks eyes with Neil. “Dinner?” he asks. 

Neil shakes his head. “Not hungry.” 

He puts his keys on the side table before going over to his desk and dropping his bookbag next to it. When he turns, Andrew is standing right in front of him. Neil leans back against the desk. 

Andrew tilts his head and considers.

He takes another step towards Neil, and Neil parts his legs until Andrew is standing between them. Andrew slowly leans forward until his hands are flat on the desk behind Neil. But he doesn’t touch him. 

Neil’s pulse starts humming. 

Andrew stares at Neil’s lips before dragging his gaze up. “Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Neil breathes. 

Andrew bends forward just enough to allow their lips to meet. It’s a soft kiss, more of a greeting than anything else. But it’s still enough to make Neil’s head spin. As the two of them relax into it, Andrew suddenly swipes his tongue playfully over the seam of Neil’s lips. Neil opens for him instantly, and Andrew leans into the kiss, intent on slowly taking him apart. 

Neil wants to follow but instead he leans back. He almost frowns at himself because the move is unconscious. 

Andrew breaks the kiss instantly, drawing back and eyeing him suspiciously. 

Neil shrugs, brushing the whole thing off. “Can’t right now. Have to do my Spanish homework or Señora Rivera will be pissed.” 

It’s not an excuse. Not really. He’s been taking an extra course this summer, determined to get caught up to the level of his classmates. Although he’s a linguaphile, he’s finding it harder to learn the language than he’d like to admit. Apparently, there’s a vital difference between being immersed in a language because your survival depends on it versus learning it for fun. 

That or it’s because he keeps blowing off his homework to make out with Andrew on the couch.

Andrew stays where he is, assessing Neil before finally nodding. He draws back from Neil’s space completely and retreats to the kitchen. 

It takes a moment for Neil to sit down at his desk and get his homework out. He’s unsure what’s happening right now, how he’s feeling. But he soon loses himself in the rhythm of different tenses and vocabulary. When he takes a break after what feels like hours later, he nearly knocks off the bowl of fruit left on the corner of his desk. 

With a small smile, he grabs a fork and digs in. 

\---

He’s watching Kevin’s laptop screen boot up, urging it to hurry as he keeps sneaking glances at the bedroom door. He’s wedged himself into the furthest corner of his cot with his back safely against the wall and no windows nearby. But Neil draws the shades closed anyway, just in case. 

Andrew and Kevin are both out, but he knows they could be back any minute. He has to do this quickly. 

When the screen finally brightens, he opens a private web browser tab, takes a deep breath, and types his query in. 

_Definition of jealous_.

In some ways, he doesn’t know how he got here. But if he thinks back, he’s pretty sure this is Garrett’s fault.

His classmate had caught up to him just before their lecture started the other day, sending him a winning smile as he approached.

Neil rolls his eyes before the guy can even open his mouth. “Garrett, fuck off.”

“Neil, come on, babe-”

“I said fuck off!”

Garrett pouts his lip and whines at Neil who ignores him ferociously. He reminds Neil greatly of Nicky, except he’s lacking the parental responsibility Nicky wears every so often like a party hat. He’s fun, outgoing, unapologetically gay, and latches onto Neil from day one for some reason Neil can’t determine. 

Of course, it may have been the fact that Neil wrote Garrett’s name down on the attendance list after he skipped class with his boyfriend. He’d felt unusually sympathetic for the guy, knowing how many times he’s ached to spend time alone with Andrew. But what Neil considered a random act of kindness quickly turned into a downward spiral as Garrett is always asking Neil to cover for him. 

Neil’s pretty sure Garrett is going to fail Spanish.

“But Neil, Justin got me tickets to see JT! Live! I’m literally going to see Justin with Justin- it’s the J-squared sandwich I’ve always dreamed of!”

Neil rolls his eyes again.

Justin is the mythical creature Neil has been told is Garrett’s boyfriend. From the way Garrett describes him, the man is part god, part soulful musician, part genius, and part saint. Garrett likes to use words like “perfect”, “flawless”, “the nicest ever”, and “fucking hot” just to name a few. 

He probably could give Nicky a run for his money, Neil thinks, with all of the compliments he’s heard Nicky shower on Erik over the years. The instigator in him wonders if he can lock Nicky and Garrett in a room to try. Let them outdo each other, praising their boyfriends until they’re both blue in the face. See which one runs out of air first.

The idea has merit, Neil thinks. He should tell Andrew about it.

“Then just skip and deal with the consequences like the rest of us,” he tells Garrett bluntly now.

“But Neil…hon…you wouldn’t do that to your friend, would you?”

“Who said we were friends?”

“What?” Garrett puts a hand to his chest as if wounded. “How dare you! Of course we are. Who else do you think I would share all my boyfriend troubles with?”

First off, Neil finds it interesting that Garrett labels them as “troubles” when most of his stories revolve around how perfect and wonderful his boyfriend is. Secondly, Neil’s definitely seen Garrett pouring his soul out to one of the cafeteria workers in the dining hall while they made him a grilled cheese sandwich, so he’s less than impressed with this argument.

He keeps walking towards their classroom, but Garrett slips his arm between his and continues as if he’s now been given an opening. “Speaking of, did I tell you what happened at this party we went to last weekend? Some twink thought he could start hitting on my man.” He snorts. “Fucking asshole.”

Normally, Neil would already be done with this conversation. He would find some way to slip off, citing a phone call, or diarrhea, or even a drug addiction problem if Garrett was particularly persistent. 

But this time, he finds himself pausing. “What did you do?”

Garrett’s face lights up. With Neil’s permission, he throws himself with relish into the story.

“So we’re hanging out at this guy’s house, right? And I’ve got a prime seat in the corner of the couch- you know, where you’d basically die rather than give it up at a party? Anyway- J goes off to get us drinks. So I’m talking to some chick about the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie- I mean, she had the gall to say Orlando Bloom was hotter than Johnny Depp, can you imagine?- and after a bit I notice he’s been gone awhile. So I look over at the kitchen counter and see this guy has him cornered- just chattering away at him, complimenting his hair, playing with his hoodie strings, grabbing J’s hand to look at his watch. Ugh, he’s pulling out all the stops,” Garrett rolls his eyes. 

“The ‘stops’?” Neil repeats, his head spinning a bit from all this information.

“You know, flirting with him. Showing he thinks he’s attractive. Giving him the green light,” Garrett shrugs. “So I’m like _absolute fucker_. I gotta go stake a claim on my man. So I give up my seat on the couch- I give up my seat on the couch, Neil, the _prime seat_ \- so I can stalk over and stop this bullshit. I walk right up to them, grab J’s face and kiss the shit out of him. Then I turn to this guy- his mouth dropped open, it was amazing- and say, ‘he’s taken, bitch.’ Fucker turns red and stomps off. It was glorious.”

Neil hums, turning the scenario over in his mind. “What did Justin think?”

“Oh,” Garrett waves a hand in the air now, and Neil is shocked to see him turn a slight shade of pink. “He just laughed. Thanked me for saving him.” He toys with his bookbag strands before he mumbles, “Said I had nothing to worry about. That he loved me alone and would never look at anyone else.”

Neil blinks. He rubs a hand up his sleeve as he casts his eyes to the side, a slight frown tugging at his mouth. 

Then Garrett laughs again, a slightly embarrassed sound. “It’s just…he’s so cool, you know? He’s hot and nice and sweet, and he’s…he’s just the best. Other people can see it too. I can tell how much they’re into him, and it just makes me crazy sometimes.”

Neil pulls away from Garrett as they reach the classroom door. The last class hasn’t finished yet, so they have to wait in hall. 

He threads his fingers together behind his back. He kicks the heel of his left foot with the toe of his right sneaker. 

He’d never thought about other people wanting Andrew the same way Neil does. 

He wonders if anyone has ever looked for Andrew the moment they stepped into a room, like Neil does. He wonders if their chest felt light whenever Andrew quirked his lips, what Neil knows is his version of a smile. He wonders if they ever missed the feeling of his arms around them, craved his kisses, wanted to hear his heart beating next to theirs. 

Then he thinks about those guys at Eden’s, and about Roland. About the dozens of fan comments on the PSU Exy website. Of the men Andrew was with in juvie. Maybe lots of people want Andrew, and Neil’s just never noticed. 

“It’s one of my weaknesses,” Garrett sighs, bringing Neil back to the present. He leans against the wall. “Jealousy. Thank god Justin puts up with it.” 

Something strikes Neil to the core in that statement. He feels it ringing inside of him, like a bell tolling. 

Is he jealous?

He’d never had the option of being jealous before. It wasn’t even a thought. When he was on the road with his mother, it was much too dangerous a path to go down because if he started looking at what others had that he didn’t, he would never stop. He was just grateful to be alive than to want for anything else. And in some ways, this was a blessing because back then he didn’t understand what he could have. What was even possible.

He wonders oddly if Bee would consider this a breakthrough that Neil feels safe and stable enough to potentially be jealous of something.

But…what is jealousy, exactly? When it comes to a person? 

It feels like a stupid question, one that he can’t possibly ask of Garrett. So he tucks it away, burying it deep while he lets Garrett keep rambling at him. 

But alone in his dorm, with the wide world of the internet at his fingertips on Kevin’s laptop, he takes a stab at figuring it out. 

As he clicks enter, he mentally grimaces. How stupid does a person have to be to need to look up the definition of a feeling? Does Andrew even know what an enormously emotionally stunted asshole he’s with?

The search results pop up on the screen. Scrolling, Neil can see there’s a couple of definitions available. He looks at the first.

_Adjective: jealous_

  * _Feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages._



Neil wrinkles his nose. Well that doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t think he’s envious of Andrew or what he’s accomplished. He knows he wouldn’t wish what Andrew has experienced on anyone, and his photographic memory seems more of a curse than a blessing. He’s very proud of how far Andrew’s come mentally and is literally in awe of the man whenever he steps out on the Court. Andrew is extremely intelligent, incredibly strong, and Neil feels lucky every day just to stand by Andrew’s side.

No, that definition definitely doesn’t make sense.

  * _Fiercely protective or vigilant of one’s rights or possessions_



He squints at the screen. He can freely admit that he’s protective of Andrew. No one would argue with that. But the way that it’s worded makes it seem as if he sees Andrew as something to control, something that’s rightfully his to own. And that’s just wrong. No one owns Andrew. He has no say over what Andrew should or shouldn’t do. No one should. 

  * _Feeling or showing suspicion of someone’s unfaithfulness in a relationship_



Neil shifts and makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. It feels like he’s going down a rabbit hole. Because while this definition doesn’t quite ring true either, there’s a note in it that makes him waver. 

He’s never been suspicious of Andrew. Never had cause to because…well, he just hasn’t. Hasn’t even considered it. Andrew is frank, open, and direct with him. He always tells the truth. If anyone should be accused of being suspicious, it would be Neil. He’s the liar of the two, and they both know it. 

And unfaithful? Neil scratches his chin absently. They’ve never said out loud that they’re exclusive. Although Neil knows that anyone else isn’t an option for him. Andrew is everything. Neil wants anything and everything that Andrew will give him. 

He swallows and looks around guiltily, even though he knows he’s alone. If he’s honest with himself, there are little things, silly little wishes that he secretly hopes Andrew might give him someday. Things that he’s seen other couples do. Like hold hands. 

It’s a soft gesture, pointless really. He doesn’t even understand what’s drawn him to it in the first place. Yet the idea has sunk its teeth into Neil and refuses to let go. 

But he’ll never ask. He’ll never assume. It’s up to Andrew how far they go and when they stop. 

But he can’t help but wonder if Andrew ever thinks of touching like that. 

Neil shakes his head and continues.

Lastly, is what they have a relationship? They’ve been doing…whatever for a few years now, but Neil knows Andrew doesn’t even refer to what they have as a “this”. So how can he be suspicious of Andrew breaking something they don’t have? What sense does that make? 

Somehow Neil is more confused now than when he began. So is he jealous? Of others wanting Andrew? Of Andrew giving someone else what he thought of exclusively as theirs? Do they have something? Are they exclusive?

He doesn’t know. 

He rubs at his chest, a sudden ache taking up residence in it. He just wants to keep what they have for as long as he can. And he doesn’t know when that is. He’s never thought of their… “this” …as having some sort of expiration date. It’s always been something unending in his mind. Forever.

But maybe he was wrong. 

The bedroom door slams open. 

Okay, maybe it doesn’t open quite that aggressively, maybe Kevin opens it like a normal human being, but Neil jumps nonetheless. The laptop slides off his lap onto the bed. 

Kevin pauses in walking into the room and stares at Neil. Neil stares back. 

“Um,” Kevin says. 

“Uh,” Neil answers. 

Kevin sighs, running a hand down his face that is suddenly turning pink for some reason. “Jesus, Neil. Beat it on your own time. Andrew’s downstairs waiting for us. We’re heading to the court in five minutes. I did text you.” 

Neil doesn’t even bother looking for his phone. He knows it’s dead. Somewhere.

Kevin drops his bookbag off on the floor by his bed, then grabs his sports bag instead. “Delete that shit off my computer when you’re done. I don’t want it showing up in my history. Get anything on it, and you're dead.” He goes to leave before turning back and pointing at Neil, “And lock the fucking door the next time! You idiot.”

At first, Neil’s face scrunches up in confusion. Then Kevin’s meaning hits him. 

His face flames, his skin turning a beet red color that Kevin scoffs at before he leaves the room. But though he’s mortified, Neil doesn’t correct him. 

He thinks how twisted it is that he’d rather have Kevin think he’d caught Neil masturbating than googling whether someone made him feel jealous about Andrew. 

He closes the browser window and deletes his internet history. He takes a breath, stuffs everything down deep, and heads downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you guys enjoyed! I so appreciate all of the subscribers I'm seeing, that's awesome! If you're just joining us for the first time- welcome too!! Thanks for coming along this adventure with us!
> 
> Also, I LOVE the comments that I'm reading, guys- your opinions are so welcome and totally influencing how this work shapes up, so please keep them coming! I'm so grateful, awed, and humbled by your compliments too- thank you so much!! 🧡
> 
> Also, also- as I continue this work, I just want to make it clear that Neil is gonna get hard on himself, but in no way shape or form do I disparage asexuality/demisexuality, or any other orientation on the a spectrum - how you define that as your sexual orientation is perfectly valid and I support you 100%- it's just Neil who's gotta learn to love himself a little bit more. So while things may get a bit harsh from his perspective, please know I'm in your corner! (And things will get better ;) )
> 
> All right, enough of my blabbering on. Check out a preview below for next time!
> 
> Neil listens as Nicky gives a short version of what happened last Saturday. Allison nods as he finishes, leaning back against her headboard. “So you want to know what about that guy made Nicky think he was Andrew’s type?” she asks Neil.
> 
> He nods. 
> 
> “Oh come on Neil, you know,” Nicky wavers, throwing a hand up feebly in the air and motioning towards Neil. 
> 
> He doesn’t know. So he waits patiently as Nicky huffs out a breath and continues.
> 
> “Kind of dark and moody, a little dangerous. With a sharp tongue and pretty eyes. Taller than him but not towering over. Lean and solid. Just an edge of violence but hidden beneath the surface,” Nicky stares at him pointedly, as if he should understand. “Ridiculously hot. Disarmingly charming. Get it?” 
> 
> Neil does not get it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allison and Nicky are helpfully unhelpful, and Kevin Regrets His Living Arrangements, Part II.

Neil is pleased when he finds Matt’s suite empty except for Nicky. He can hear him chatting away to someone and resolves to wait until he’s finished when the voice from the screen calls out to him.

“Neil! Is that you? Get your ass over here and say hi to me!”

Neil smirks as he joins Nicky in the room. “Hey Allison.”

She grins ferally into the camera. It looks like she’s in the bedroom of her new apartment in New York City. She’s started some fashion line there after graduation and seems busier than ever. But she always finds time to check up on Neil, sending him surprise gift packages of clothes and calling him to model them for her. 

Nicky spins in his chair as Neil sits on the bed next to him. “What can I do you for, Neil?” Neil frowns which has Nicky waving haphazardly. “It’s just an expression. Forget it. What’s going on?”

Neil flicks a glance to Allison on the screen. “I don’t want to interrupt…”

“Oh please, it’s fine,” Allison shrugs. “I’m more interested in finding out what you could possibly want from Nicky of all people.”

“You mean other than my worldly, sage advice? My children flock to me. I am wisdom incarnate.”

“You are a plethora of bad decisions stitched together in rainbow clothing.”

Neil is torn. He purses his lips, unsure how honest he can be in this moment. He starts with what he thinks is a safer topic. “Nicky, what’s your type?”

“His type?” Allison laughs before Nicky can answer. “Anyone who breathes and has a dick.”

Nicky flips Allison off. “Says the woman who will only open her legs for a guy with a credit card limit over a hundred grand.”

“You’re a walking STD.”

“Materialistic bitch.”

“Guys,” Neil admonishes. 

“Right, sorry Neil,” Nicky reins himself back in after sticking his tongue out at Allison. He pauses, a hand on his chin while he thinks. “Young, handsome, obviously male,” he checks each item off on his hand. “I like them taller than me- and Erik has at least a couple inches on me so- smart, funny – Erik is actually hilarious, did you know that- nice, good smile- Erik has the most beautiful smile-”

“Enough about Erik,” Allison snaps before she turns her gaze to Neil. “What’s this about, Josten? We both know you don’t give a shit what Nicky’s type is. What’s the real question?”

Neil’s face burns a bit as he turns apologetically to Nicky. “You said…back at the club that…that guy was Andrew’s type,” he mumbles. 

“Oh,” Nicky breathes. 

“Back at what club? What’s he talking about?” Allison demands. 

Neil listens as Nicky gives a short version of what happened last Saturday. Allison nods as he finishes, leaning back against her headboard. “So you want to know what about that guy made Nicky think he was Andrew’s type?” she asks Neil.

He nods.

“Oh come on Neil, you know,” Nicky wavers, throwing a hand up feebly in the air and motioning towards Neil.

He doesn’t know. So he waits patiently as Nicky huffs out a breath and continues.

“Kind of dark and moody, a little dangerous. With a sharp tongue and pretty eyes. Taller than him but not towering over. Lean and solid. Just an edge of violence but hidden beneath the surface,” Nicky stares at him pointedly, as if he should understand. “Ridiculously hot. Disarmingly charming. Get it?”

Neil does not get it. “You thought he was disarmingly charming? How could you tell? You didn’t even talk to him.”

Allison groans on the screen as Nicky drags a hand over his face. “I didn’t realize it bugged you so much, Neil.”

“It doesn’t,” Neil spits out automatically. 

“Have you talked to Andrew about it?”

“Why should I?” Neil says, suddenly feeling defensive. He takes a breath and purposefully lightens his tone. “It’s not a big deal. I was just curious as to who qualifies as being his type. If anyone else I knew fit the bill.” He waves offhandedly at himself. “You know I don’t notice these things.” 

He must be convincing because Nicky shrugs and sits back as he thinks. “Well, that does remind me of what I thought when Kevin first arrived.”

“Ooh, I remember that bet,” Allison says. “Took us four months to resolve. I for sure thought they were doing it.”

“Yeah, they were always so close during that first year,” Nicky muses. “Attached at the hip. I didn’t know Andrew was gay at the time, but I just thought their relationship was so intense that there must be something more. And with Kevin’s looks and those eyes…” Nicky shrugs as if it’s obvious. 

There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of Neil’s stomach. He remembered thinking the same thing, had actually asked Renee about it in his freshman year. Now as he thinks back, she had merely said that Kevin had a girlfriend- not that there wasn’t something between the two in the past. 

Lies by omission, by redirection. He’s always known that Renee is the most like him. 

Nicky is talking again, so Neil struggles to tune back in. “Then again it wasn’t like I could ask him. You know how Andrew is. But I know my gay ass certainly noticed.”

“We all noticed,” Allison drawls. “If you tell him I said this, I’ll slit both of your throats, but even I can admit that Kevin’s a babe.”

Neil wrinkles his nose. 

“Hey! So is Andrew,” Nicky says defensively. 

“A.) eew that’s gross, you’re cousins. B.) Of course you’re defending him, he’s your cousin,” Allison ticks off her juxtaposing points without blinking. “So from the only unbiased third party in the room, let me think on this.” She puts a hot pink manicured fingernail to her chin. “I’ve never thought of either Minyard from that light, nor am I into gay guys, but I will admit Andrew’s hot. Broad shoulders, nice hair, good eyes. He’s kind of quiet now that he’s off those horrible meds. Shitty attitude but a smart mouth. Good taste in clothes. Better taste in boyfriends. Hmm…” She trails off before snatching a piece of paper and starts writing something down. “I’m feeling inspired. I’m going to send him something.”

“Allison,” Neil warns.

“Fine. I’m going to send you something for Andrew to wear.” She looks back at the camera considering. “But to wrap back around, I get what you’re saying, Nicky. Kevin and Andrew would have made a cute couple. And it definitely looked like something was going on between them back then.”

“See?” Nicky puts his hand up to the screen triumphantly. “Exactly my point!”

This discussion is making Neil feel worse. 

As if on cue, Nicky turns and asks him brightly, “Does that help?”

Not in the slightest. 

But Neil pastes a smile on his face and nods as Nicky and Allison quickly move on to a new topic. Neil sinks back onto Nicky’s bed and lets their voices wash over him as he thinks. 

He knows what he has to do. But it doesn’t mean he has to like it. 

He waves halfheartedly to them and goes back to his dorm room. His hand is literally on the doorknob when he suddenly changes his mind. 

He takes the stairs and heads up to the rooftop. As he gets closer and closer to the door, he can feel the temperature rising. Opening it is like stepping into an inferno. It’s almost choking, making the first few seconds hard to breathe as he steps out on the roof. 

With the overhead sun, the space is practically unbearable in this heat, but he sees Andrew sitting there, dressed all in black as if he’s mocking it. 

Neil goes and sits close to him but not quite within arm’s reach. He pulls out his own cigarettes and lights one up. He takes a quick drag of it to get it started, then leans back as he exhales. The smell of smoke envelops him, comforting like a security blanket. 

The two sit there in silence for some time. 

Finally, Andrew is the one to break it. “Foxes are back.”

Neil hums in acknowledgement. The team is back and has started summer practice. And though it’s a surprise to no one, once again the new freshmen have thrown the team dynamics for a loop. It’s a problem that Neil doesn’t want to face yet. 

“You could have said no, _Captain_.” 

Neil rolls his shoulders against Andrew’s implied _deal with it_. He knows he could have refused the mantle from Dan, knows how much grief this will cause him, but he wants it. He’s never had people counting on him for something before, and it both terrifies and exhilarates him. The fact that both Dan and Wymack thought he could do it is enough to make him want to try. 

And though it’s a nagging concern, it’s also not the thing that’s currently occupying his every waking moment. 

Andrew puts out his hand between them, leaning on his side, closer to Neil. Neil stares down at it and his breath catches. 

What if, one day, that hand isn’t there?

He thought it was terrifying having a past and knowing there was no future. Then he’d been given one and the option of something he’d never even dreamed was possible. Now he realizes it’s worse knowing that future could be ripped away at any moment when he least expects it. 

Andrew huffs out a breath and stabs his cigarette onto the ground next to him. He stands but Neil doesn’t turn, just feels Andrew waiting there expectantly. When Neil doesn’t acknowledge him, Andrew makes a sound like a growl in the back of his throat before whipping open the rooftop door and going downstairs. 

Neil needs just a little more time. A bit more breathing room to think while he muddles through whatever it is he’s feeling. 

He stays up there for a while, watching the sun dip beneath the horizon before finally heading downstairs. 

\---

Neil and Andrew take off together because they have one class at the same time this semester. They walk most of the way there but eventually split because their classes are held in different buildings. Neil waits long enough to watch Andrew duck through the doorway of his before he doubles back to the dorm. Where he knows Kevin currently is. 

Skipping class is worth it for this discussion. 

Neil grimaces to himself. “Worth it” may be stretching things. Though he doesn’t mind the extra walk, his feet drag as he gets closer and closer to Fox Tower. He’s dreading every minute of this. But he refuses to ask Andrew. He needs Kevin’s unflinching honesty, his expressive emotions to get a clear read. He knows how tight-lipped Andrew is with secrets, whereas they practically spill from Kevin’s skin.

He’s almost vibrating with nervous energy by the time he reaches their floor, and he swings the suite door open with a loud bang. Kevin flinches on the couch, his laptop jumping before he whips an angry glare at Neil. “What the fuck is your problem?”

Neil slams the door shut before ripping off his bookbag and throwing himself down on the coffee table right next to Kevin’s legs. Right up in his personal space. 

Kevin looks at him bewildered. He grabs a glass of water that’s resting on a side table next to the couch arm and takes a slow sip from it. 

Neil forces himself to take a deep breath. The best way to go about this is to appeal to Kevin’s better nature. He needs to be reasonable, mature, and patient. 

“Were you and Andrew fucking before I got here?”

Or not.

Kevin spits out his water. It’s actually pretty comical, a spray of water droplets and dribble that crawls down his chin as he gapes at Neil. Or at least it would be funny if Neil wasn’t so dead serious.

“What?” Kevin chokes out. 

Neil is annoyed. He doesn’t think he should have to repeat himself, but he’s trying to play fair. For now. “I said, were you and Andrew fuck buddies before I got here? Were you fooling around? Warming each other’s beds? Whatever the fuck you want to call it?”

“Hell no,” Kevin practically screeches. “Jesus fucking Christ, Neil. Absolutely not. Are you kidding me?”

For some reason, Kevin’s blunt denial irks Neil further. “What, Andrew wasn’t good enough for you?” he asks defensively.

Kevin looks at Neil like he’s sporting three heads. Or maybe like he’s trapped in some alter-dimension where nothing makes sense. He throws his laptop off to the side in agitation. “Ye- wait, no! Not like that. Fuck. No, of course not, that’s not what I- I mean, I just-”

“So you do think he’s attractive?”

Kevin makes a guttural noise in the back of his throat as he presses the palms of his hands to his eyes. Color is slowly creeping up over his neck and face. Neil can’t tell if it’s from anger, embarrassment, or admittance. 

He continues on doggedly. “Does Andrew think you’re attractive?”

“How the hell should I know!” Kevin snaps. “And why the fuck are you asking me, Neil? You want to know if your boyfriend has a boner for me, you should ask him.”

Neil narrows his eyes at him. He remembers what Kevin said to him back at the winter banquet two years ago, when Neil asked him what he’d offered Andrew in exchange for their deal. 

_I was the first person who ever looked at Andrew and told him he was worth something. When he comes off these drugs and has nothing else to hold him up, I will give him something to build his life around._

It’s a heady promise. It would have meant everything to Andrew back then if Kevin could follow through. And it didn’t necessarily sound like something just a friend would say. 

His voice is hoarse and low when he asks now, “Did he make the deal with you because he wanted you? Did you accept because you wanted him?”

“No, Neil,” Kevin says sharply now. Neil is surprised when he makes eye contact, his gaze steady. “I made the deal because he was throwing his life away. Throwing his natural talent down the drain when I knew I could help him. When I knew he could be more. And selfishly, I needed his protection. I didn’t know how to stand up to-” and here he pauses, stuttering. But then he grits his teeth and barrels on, “-to Riko, and I needed Andrew for that. I was lost and broken. Tossed at sea. And he was the rock I could stand on. It had nothing to do with whether or not I found him attractive.”

He seems genuine. His outrage and frustration are apparent in the set of his jaw and the glare in his eyes. He’s tensed, as if he’s ready to swing at Neil if he disagrees with him. But his voice is calm and matter of fact. It’s enough to make Neil believe him.

He feels the ever-tightening band around his chest ease for just a moment. 

Kevin looks down to stare at his hands, his eyes lingering on the scar on his left one. “I don’t know about Andrew,” he admits quietly. “There are some days where I wonder why he ever accepted in the first place.”

Neil doesn’t have an answer. He thinks that if he were Kevin, he would just ask Andrew. But he’s not Kevin- and he’s definitely not Andrew. And then he thinks of how he’s failing miserably at his own advice. So he doesn’t respond. 

“Jesus, what a fucking question.” Kevin runs a hand frustratingly through his hair and scowls at Neil. “Where the hell is all this coming from anyway?”

But now it’s Neil who’s avoiding his gaze. He’s silent, running a hand up his other arm for comfort. When he glances back at Kevin, he finds him watching Neil, waiting. Neil stares at his green eyes, his dark hair, his smooth skin. He looks at the muscles bunched underneath his shirt, takes in his long legs and torso. 

_We all noticed_ , Allison said. _Kevin’s a babe._

So if Kevin is everyone’s standard for attractiveness, Neil concludes, then Andrew must agree. And how could he possibly compare? He’s lean but not built like Kevin or Andrew. He has a fucked-up face, burnt hands, and a scarred torso. And that’s nothing to say about the state of his mind. He has nothing to offer Andrew; in fact, he’s more of a burden than anything. He’s caused him trouble since the day he arrived on campus. 

Maybe Andrew should be looking for someone better.

“Are you okay, Neil?”

“I’m fine,” Neil says automatically. But Kevin can hear how hollow the words are, how they crumble before they even leave his mouth. 

“Have you talked to Andrew about this?” Kevin asks. 

“No,” Neil says sharply. “And neither will you. Swear on it.”

“Okay, I’m not the best at these things but I really think you should-”

“I fucking mean it, Day. Swear that you won’t breathe a word of what we just discussed to anyone,” Neil snaps. 

“Fine! I swear,” Kevin barks. “God, this conversation is the worst. Are we done here?”

Neil nods before throwing himself onto the couch and turning on the TV. They watch ESPN in silence. 

No time has passed at all before Andrew is opening the suite door. He stares at Neil, slightly out of breath. “Turn on your phone,” he snaps. 

Neil grabs it out of his pocket and looks at the screen. It’s dead. 

“Why weren’t you in class?” Andrew asks now. 

Kevin gives Neil a sour look. Neil ignores him. He has to think quickly. 

Andrew didn’t ask where he was, he asked why Neil wasn’t in class. Which meant he’d probably gone there and waited for him. And watched when the rest of Neil’s classmates came out and he didn’t appear. So he knows Neil either left or was never there. 

He glances back to the TV and shrugs, purposefully playing it off. “I wasn’t feeling well and came back early.” 

Andrew narrows his eyes at him. He can see it in his peripheral vision. Neil swallows. Then Andrew is standing in front of him, blocking his view of the TV. 

Neil looks up and sees Andrew’s hand out, close to his face. Andrew hesitates for a moment before laying it on Neil’s forehead. 

Neil’s breath stutters. 

Andrew’s brows crease but he doesn’t say out loud that Neil’s forehead is cool to the touch. He just shifts his hand to cup Neil’s cheek instead. He draws closer. “Yes or no?” he whispers. 

And Neil is leaning forward, reaching up to meet him, closing his eyes. His affirmation is on the tip of his tongue. Until he hears Kevin clear his throat. 

Something twists in Neil’s chest and he wrenches himself back. 

While they’re not obvious in public, Neil’s never cared about Kevin witnessing these moments before. Andrew knows this. But Neil can’t right now, not after the conversation he’s just had with Kevin. 

Andrew’s blank stare drills into Neil, waiting for a response. 

“Don’t want you to get sick,” Neil replies weakly. Andrew tilts his head but doesn’t move back. Neil compromises by moving forward and nuzzling their noses. 

Andrew’s hand comes up and shoves his face back against the couch cushion. “Don’t puke on the floor.” Then he walks back towards the bedroom.

Neil lets out the breath that he didn’t know he was holding. He turns and sees Kevin staring at him oddly. Neil draws a single finger across his throat, the promise of death if he doesn’t remain silent. 

Kevin flips him off in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Kevin. I love messing with him. Enjoying the Slow Burn Angst ride? (Is Slow Burn Angst a thing? Gonna make it a thing- maybe I should update my tags- who knows?) Anyone else noticing I keep messing with the number of chapters? It's b/c I keep thinking of goodies for you guys. Promise it'll be worth it! (Well, okay, I sincerely hope it'll be worth it- *crosses fingers that you agree!* 😖) Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Next Time: 
> 
>   
> “I would just die if Erik cheated on me!” Nicky wails, falling to the carpet in dramatic despair.
> 
> Aaron rolls his eyes. “Aren’t you the one saying how cute guys are every minute of the day? I mean, Jesus, you started macking on Neil from day one.”
> 
> “That’s just flirting. Doesn’t count.”
> 
> “Doesn’t count?” Neil pipes up.
> 
> “Yeah, it doesn’t count. Right, Andrew?” 
> 
> Andrew glares at him. “Don’t drag me into your twisted thought process.” 
> 
> “Come on! I want to know. Do you think flirting with someone else is cheating?” 
> 
> Andrew rolls his eyes. Nicky waits. Interestingly, the rest of the group does too.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ya boys are FRUSTRATED y’all. So we got some Thirsty!Neil, an awkward movie night, and Andrew taking a swing…and missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE! Giving this one a little early to you lovely folks because it’s a holiday weekend and I won’t be available Thursday and Friday. So you won’t see the next update until Saturday, FYI. For those of you celebrating Thanksgiving- have a wonderful holiday! For those who don't- enjoy this early update, and I hope you still have a great week!
> 
> Trigger Notes: There's a little bit of sexy times happening in this one, so feel free to skip those parts when you come to them if you don't like!
> 
> BTW: Forgive me for bending the pop culture rules a little with movies/song choices in this work. I know they weren’t available in 2008 but…we’re rolling with it. 😉

Lift. Strain. Pull. Relax. 

Lift. Strain. Pull. Relax. 

Lift. Strain. Pull-

_Goddamn it._

Neil is captivated, unable to tear his eyes away from Andrew’s thighs tensing and straining on one of the machines. He spreads them a little wider, muscles cording beneath his skin, and Neil nearly swallows his tongue.

Jesus. The man is going to kill him. 

Neil’s been faking a run at this point, going on something like seven miles at a ridiculously slow pace, but he can’t seem to tear himself away from the treadmill because it offers him a perfect view of Andrew’s workout. He slyly follows Andrew’s frame in the mirror as he continues around the room, heading to the next station in his circuit. Arm curls. 

_Holy fuck._

Neil takes a shaky breath and looks down for a moment, trying to ignore the massive hard-on that is building beneath his shorts. The heat is spreading under his skin, burning him up from the inside out. It feels like the room is a million degrees right now, his senses hyperaware of the masculine scent of sweat and musk permeating the air.

What is wrong with him?

He has got to cool down. He’s almost tripped himself on this machine three times now. At this rate, he’s going to earn himself a busted nose or a concussion if he can’t get it together. 

But he aches to touch Andrew. It’s been a few weeks since they did anything past kissing, and Neil is suddenly feeling his absence keenly. He’s had an itch in his hands and heat pooling in his gut since he first woke this morning. Now he can’t seem to stop staring at Andrew. He easily imagines putting his mouth on his, tracing his hands over Andrew’s chest, falling to his knees and swallowing him. Andrew's thighs spreading wider to allow Neil to take him deeper. His hazel eyes closing and his head falling back as he cums down Neil’s throat.

_Ah, shit. Breathe. Breathe._

A twist of guilt intermingles with the low pull in his belly. He feels kind of…wrong to be thinking of Andrew in this way. Without Andrew’s permission. If Andrew had wanted to touch him, he would. And he clearly didn’t this morning, so Neil needs to keep his twisted urges to himself. 

His mother’s words whisper in the back of his ear, as they always do when these feelings tend to surface. 

_Distracting. Unnecessary. Dangerous._

But Neil has always known Andrew is dangerous. From day one, he’d made that clear. And yet Neil can’t seem to keep away, drawn like a moth to a flame, sucked in by the heat, the light, the fierceness of him. 

Andrew is always telling him he has a death wish. And Neil agrees. Because he knows Andrew will be the death of him, in more ways than one. 

Andrew finishes his arm curls and heads over to the bench. He picks up the free weights from the rack with one arm, sliding them on the bar and securing them. Then he lifts his shirt to wipe the sweat off his face, exposing his stomach. 

Neil groans softly. He can’t take much more of this. 

Then Kevin hands him something, breaking the spell. 

Neil scowls. Ugh, Kevin. 

He’s been doing a spectacular job at avoiding eye contact with the taller striker ever since their humiliating chat from the other day. Even now, he winces just thinking about it. 

In hindsight, it had been dumb to ask Nicky that question. Neil’s not even sure why he did it. Because now Nicky’s response blares in his head whenever he looks at Andrew and Kevin. Wondering stupid, pointless things that he has no business knowing. 

Plus Kevin already said he wasn’t interested in Andrew like that. In fact, Neil’s pretty sure that if given the choice, Kevin would probably choose sex with an Exy racquet over sleeping with Andrew. But the question is…would Andrew?

Kevin stands behind the bench, spotting Andrew as he does his first rep off the bar. Andrew’s face is blank and focused. His chest expands wide as his arms dip, and Neil locks onto the way his biceps strain as they take the heavy weights and easily lift them back into the air. 

Neil mutters darkly in French under his breath. 

Then the guy a few machines over coughs slightly, distracting him. Neil frowns. 

He’s seen him here before. He’s tall and fit, with golden eyes and deep brown skin that has a slight red undertone to it, made more obvious by the fact that he’s flushed. His pace doesn’t quite match Neil’s, but he’s at a respectable speed. He’s not wearing a shirt, showing off cut abs and that v line Nicky loves, what he calls “sex lines”. His braids, pulled back in a ponytail, bounce with every step he takes. His head is trained forward on the mirror, acting for all the world as if he’s deeply focused on his workout. But his eyes keep flicking to Andrew.

Neil blinks. Then he blinks again. 

_The guy is staring at Andrew._

It’s a little disconcerting for Neil because he’s never noticed this before. He’s seen the guy tons of times at the gym, always at the same time their team is there, and yet today is the first time he’s seen him checking Andrew out.

Neil is stunned. There’s that angry, ugly feeling crawling up his chest again. His brow furrows. How is he supposed to handle this?

Normally he would just ignore the whole thing. But it kind of helped when he didn’t notice the thing to begin with. Now that he has, it’s way too obvious for him to avoid. 

For a stupid moment, he wonders what Garrett would do, but then inwardly cringes at the thought. Garrett would probably stop the treadmill, walk right over to the bench, sit on Andrew’s lap, and make out with him in the middle of the training room. Neil feels his face heating at the mere thought. Not only would he be mortified to do such a thing in front of his entire team, but Andrew probably would sock him in the jaw if he tried it. 

Wait, Andrew.

Neil stares back at his…goalie in the mirror again. If Neil’s spotted this guy looking, then Andrew is bound to have. He’s way more perceptive than Neil is, especially when it comes to this type of thing. 

But if Andrew knows, then that means he’s chosen to do nothing. If anything, Neil notices that he suddenly seems to be sneaking glances their way. 

Maybe Andrew likes the attention. 

And why wouldn’t he? Again, he’s been with others before. This is probably exactly how these things started. Neil’s just never been witness to it. 

He kind of wishes he still wasn’t now. 

The guy’s stare lingers this time as Andrew sits up on the bench to switch with Kevin, and Neil watches him stare the other runner down. As their gazes connect, Andrew lifts an eyebrow which has the other guy blushing furiously.

Neil looks away.

And just like that, the fight drains from him. He sighs before finally shutting off the treadmill and stepping down. Well, at least he no longer has to worry about anyone seeing his ‘situation’. 

As the hour draws to a close, Neil heads into the locker room and goes straight into the showers. He tries to brush it off. Maybe he’s blowing things out of proportion. It’s just a bit of staring. It might not mean anything to Andrew. Just like they mean nothing. 

Neil frowns, shaking his head. This is annoying. He doesn’t want to dwell on this. He just wants Andrew to kiss him, damn it. Maybe if he does, then all of these other stupid thoughts will go away. 

But when Neil comes back out, he sees Andrew’s stuff is gone already. Neil swears sharply, an uncharacteristic bite to his tone that has Nicky jumping back a bit. He lifts an eyebrow at the colorful German that flies from Neil’s mouth. Neil ignores him. 

He forgot that Andrew has class right after this. 

Feeling frustrated, disappointed, and more than a little stupid, Neil slams his locker door shut, grabs his bookbag, and ignores the weird looks his teammates give him as he leaves the room.

\---

“Neil, I missed you!”

Matt glomps onto Neil, smothering him with an enormous hug after he plops down on the couch. 

“I just saw you at practice, like, an hour ago,” Neil chokes out. 

“I know, but it’s not the same!” Matt pouts as Neil weasels out of his grip. “I feel like we never hang anymore!”

Neil feels a twist of guilt at the honest admission. He knows Matt is right. 

The guys are all over at Matt, Nicky, and Aaron’s suite tonight, continuing their old tradition of the Foxes Movie Night. Neil has to admit it feels a little weird without the girls but he’s sort of glad they’re still doing it. He doesn’t care about the movies, but he knows this is Matt’s last year and he’s finding it hard to squeeze in time to hangout between his captain responsibilities, Andrew, and their school obligations.

He's here now though, returning Matt’s grin with a small smile of his own as he wedges himself between Matt and Andrew on the couch. Kevin has snagged the armchair over on the other side of the room, and Nicky and Aaron have captained the two beanbags in front of the TV. After an extremely competitive Mario Kart racing session that Nicky, by some miracle, managed to win, he got to select their movie choice for the evening. _Dear John_.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Aaron snaps.

“What? It’s Nicholas Sparks! They’re always good.”

Kevin mutters under his breath about having different definitions of ‘good’, but he makes no move to stop the backliner. 

“Right, so the deal is, every time Channing Tatum takes his shirt off, you take a shot!”

“Seriously, Nicky? That is so gay.”

“That’s the point, Aaron!”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Not my fault if you’re sober then,” Nicky shrugs, pushing the DVD into the player.

An hour and a half later, Nicky is sobbing in front of the TV while the rest of them look on, drunk and bored.

“Why are we watching this if you’re just going to cry through the whole thing?” Aaron asks, a mixture of annoyance and genuine curiosity threaded through his tone.

“Because I thought it was going to be romantic!” Nicky hiccups.

“The title is literally a break-up letter,” Aaron says, confused. 

“But it was long-distance… _hic_ …and it reminded me of Erik… _hic_ …and I thought it would have a happy ending!”

“Well, I mean they might get together,” Matt tries to offer. “There was that whole coffee shop thing…at the end…”

“But it’s after so long, and things seemed so tense and- oh my god, what if Erik doesn’t want to be with me after being away for so long?”

Oh boy. Neil sinks a little lower in his seat. This may take a while.

Out of the corner of his eye, he stares at Andrew. He’s got one leg up on the couch, knee against his chest, while the other is tucked sideways beneath him. His right hand sits in between them, as it has for the entire movie, and Neil’s gaze has latched onto it like a lifeline. He doesn’t really remember what the movie was about, but he has that hand memorized. He wants to hold it. Wants to reach out, thread his fingers through it, softly trace his thumb over Andrew’s knuckles, feel his palm lines beneath his fingertips.

His fingers actually twitch on his lap before he grabs his knee harder.

“I don’t think Erik would do that,” Matt says kindly. “Not from everything you’ve said about him.”

“You’re right,” Nicky blubbers, flipping like a switch. “Erik is the kindest, sweetest, nicest man. I love him so much, even though he’s so far away. He always calls to check up on me, asks me how I’m doing, wants to know when he can see me again.” He sighs. “He’s the best.”

“Okay,” Aaron says. “I officially don’t give a shit. Can we talk about something else?”

“Dan’s the same way, right Matt?” Nicky blurts out suddenly. “She takes care of you, right?”

“Um, yeah, I guess so,” Matt says, amused. “She’s pretty great. Love her with everything I have.” 

“And you trust her, right?”

“Of course,” Matt says without hesitation, raising an eyebrow. 

Kevin clears his throat. “Yep, must be great when you can trust the people that are close to you.” 

He skewers Neil with a look. 

Andrew scowls. “What the actual fuck is going on right now?”

“This movie is stupid,” Nicky scrunches up his nose, ignoring Andrew entirely. “I mean there was that whole cheating part-”

“Cheating?” Matt frowns. “I don’t remember anyone cheating.”

“She had to have been cheating! I mean, she marries some other dude while she dumps Channing Tatum halfway across the world!”

“Okay,” Matt concedes. “Well-”

“I would just die if Erik cheated on me!” Nicky wails, falling to the carpet in dramatic despair.

Aaron rolls his eyes. “Aren’t you the one saying how cute guys are every minute of the day? I mean, Jesus, you started macking on Neil from day one.”

“That’s just flirting. Doesn’t count.”

“Doesn’t count?” Neil pipes up.

“Yeah, it doesn’t count. Right, Andrew?”

Andrew glares at him. “Don’t drag me into your twisted thought process.” 

“Come on! I want to know. Do you think flirting with someone else is cheating?” 

Andrew rolls his eyes. Nicky waits. Interestingly, the rest of the group does too. 

Finally, he growls, “Depends.”

“On what?” Aaron asks. 

“On the deal you make.” 

“Deal?” Kevin repeats.

“You say you won’t do the thing, and you do it anyway, then you lied. You’re cheating.”

“And if you don’t?” Nicky asks. “Say it?”

Andrew shrugs. “Then it isn’t.”

“But what if your partner doesn’t ask?” Aaron questions. “What if they assume the two of you are exclusive?”

“Then they’re an idiot.”

Matt frowns. Nicky and Kevin exchange a look. 

“But if you’re in a relationship-” Matt starts, then stops when Andrew scoffs.

“Cheating is stupid,” Andrew says, “But so are relationships. That’s why I don’t bother with them.”

The room fills with an awkward silence. 

Neil can feel his face heating, can see how the others are avoiding looking at him suddenly. He swallows.

“What are you talking about, Andrew?” Nicky says, in a falsely light-hearted tone. His face pales a bit, and Neil can tell he’s trying desperately to keep the mood up in the room. “Relationships are amazing. I love that Erik is my boyfriend. We have a loving, committed partnership-”

“If you’re just fucking someone, then there’s no strings attached. No stupid questions or trust issues or shit like that. It’s simple,” Andrew cuts him off. “Relationships are a pain in the ass.”

“But…,” Nicky falters, “…what about-”

“I think I’m gonna head back now,” Neil says suddenly, standing up. Everyone turns to look at him. 

He has to get out of there. Has to go. Right now. This is getting too dangerous. “I’m feeling, um…tired and we have practice early and…class, so…I’ll just-”

He trails off awkwardly as he walks around the couch, mumbling any excuse that can get him out of the room fastest.

He gets through the door before anyone can stop him, though he hears Matt and Nicky’s feeble protests trailing behind him. He makes it all the way back inside their bedroom before Andrew catches up to him. 

He shuts the bedroom door and turns to Neil. “What is going on with you?”

Neil plays dumb. “With me? Nothing.”

“Right. Because all of that-” Andrew motions his hand back towards the other room, “-was normal.”

Neil shrugs. “Well they are your family. And Kevin. He’s never normal.”

Andrew huffs. “Point taken. Matt’s yours though. I’m not claiming all of them.”

“Fine, but only because I think Dan and Matt may have adopted me at this point. The paperwork hasn’t arrived yet, but I think it’s because they want to surprise me.”

Andrew stares at him. “You’re avoiding.”

Neil swallows, his heart rate spiking. His mind whirls as he tries to think of a way to mask the feelings of shock, confusion, and (weirdly) disappointment he has right now. “It’s nothing, I just…what Nicky was talking about reminds me of a story my classmate told me about their boyfriend.” 

Andrew remains silent and stares at him, which Neil knows is his way of telling him to continue. He takes a deep breath. “Ah, you see he, um, told me about how he gets…jealous sometimes and does…things to scare other interested people off his boyfriend.”

Andrew continues to stare, waiting for Neil, as if he expects him to continue. When he doesn’t, Andrew snorts. “Being jealous is a waste of time. It means he doesn’t trust him. If the guy says he won’t, then either your friend is an idiot for doubting him, or the boyfriend is a liar and he’s done it before. Which would make your classmate an idiot either way.”

Okay, he wasn’t going to argue with that point necessarily, but still…

“What if it’s not his partner he doesn’t trust, but other people around him?”

“Doesn’t matter what other people think. If he trusts him and his partner says he won’t, then the rest aren’t important.” 

“Right,” Neil says out loud. His brow furrows. “So then what if…what if they weren’t?”

“What if they weren’t what?”

“Partners?”

Andrew says nothing, and Neil rushes on to say, “What if they weren’t anything? What if they had no promises between them?”

“Then what right would he have to be jealous?” Andrew’s tone is confused. “If there’s nothing between the two of them, then he has no say over any of the other guy’s choices. He shouldn’t even ask. They’re not his to own.”

Neil’s stomach clenches. 

Andrew tilts his head and stares at Neil. “Desperation mixed with assumptions makes for a deadly cocktail, Abram. It sounds like your friend is playing a losing game.”

Neil keeps his eyes trained on the floor. “I think he knows that now,” he whispers. 

Silence falls between the two of them.

Again, Andrew waits. 

Again, Neil says nothing. 

Now Andrew’s eyebrows scrunch together as he scowls. “Either way, they sound pathetic,” he snaps. “Can we stop talking about stupid shit Nicky brought up now?”

Neil nods his head dumbly. 

Andrew backs him into the dresser and stares until Neil meets his eyes once more. Andrew holds his gaze for a bit before he says suddenly, “I want to blow you. Yes or no?”

Neil swallows. It’s the thing he’s been craving all week, and his cock immediately hardens with interest at the words. But he can’t help feeling sort of…used at the moment. 

_If you’re just fucking someone, then there’s no strings attached._

No, no, he should be grateful. If only in this small way, Andrew has chosen to share a part of himself with Neil. He shouldn’t expect anything more.

This is what Neil gets for being greedy. For wanting things he can’t have. 

He ignores the melancholy weight that sits in the middle of his chest as he tries to focus on the here and now, on what he _can_ have with Andrew at this moment. 

“Neil?” Andrew grabs his chin. 

“Y-yes,” Neil stammers out. 

Andrew waits.

“Yes,” Neil says again more confidently, forcing the word to fall steadily from his lips.

Andrew gives him one last look before finally getting down on his knees. He anchors Neil’s hips with his hands, shoving him back against the dresser. Then he uses his mouth to snag the cloth of Neil’s jeans and undo his button. He slips the metal zipper toggle between his teeth and pulls it down slowly, his eyes on Neil’s the entire time.

Neil’s breath hitches audibly. 

Andrew licks a single stripe up the length of Neil over his boxer-briefs while he pulls his jeans down around his thighs. Neil trembles, clutching onto the dresser drawers behind him. Then Andrew slowly dips his fingers into Neil’s waistband and begins to drag them down…

Neil’s phone starts ringing. 

Both of them jump. Andrew glares down at Neil’s jean pocket. Neil knows he’s going to ignore it, so he bends down and slips the cell phone from his pocket to stare at the caller ID. 

It’s Jess, his vice-captain. He answers on the fourth ring.

“Neil!” Jess says, relieved. “Oh my god, you need to get down here right now. It’s Brian. We’re outside of this dorm – uh, Emory Hall maybe? – near the football stadium. He and Jack got into it and he fell into the fountain and now he’s bleeding everywhere – oh my god it’s so much blood I can’t even look at it – and I’m afraid campus security is going to show up any minute. I’ve got Rob here too but he keeps throwing up, I think there might have been something in the punch at the party we were at – no, wait, stop don’t touch that – shit, can you just get down here as soon as – Jesus, Rob, just fucking stay put!”

Neil sighs, pinning Andrew with a look as he continues to rub circles with his thumb into Neil’s hip. “Yeah, I’ll be there in just a minute. Don’t do anything…more stupid. And stay where you are.”

“You got it, Cap!”

Neil hangs up the phone and stares at the ceiling for a moment. “Foxes. Brian. Jack. Rob. Dumbasses.”

Andrew just nods. He stands up, pulling out a cigarette as Neil pulls his jeans back up and redoes his fly. 

Neil strides to the door before turning back and staring at Andrew, who has now grabbed a seat on the windowsill, the only light coming from his burning cigarette. “Later?” he says hopefully. 

Andrew exhales, blowing smoke out towards him. “Have fun, Captain.”

_No promises._

Neil stifles his sigh and heads out the door to deal with the idiocy of his team. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That time when you thought things were going to get better...and instead they got worse.
> 
> Oh gosh, Andrew. *drags hand over face* You're killing me, smalls. 😔
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, and for all of your lovely comments! I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> Next Time: 
> 
> Neil blinks in surprise. Again, he shouldn’t be. Other people could and should see how amazing Andrew is. Especially when it comes to Exy. But still, he’s thrown off. 
> 
> It shows how comfortable he’s grown when instead of keeping his astonishment to himself, he immediately blurts out, “Andrew?” 
> 
> Wymack lifts an eyebrow. “Of course. Ever since that game where he blocked 150 shots on goal against the Ravens, they’ve been bugging me. He’ll be a top pick next year for sure. If he decides to go pro.” 
> 
> Neil puts an arm around his back and grabs his other elbow. “Do you think he will?” 
> 
> Wymack looks taken aback by this question. “I would think you would know better than I, Neil.”
> 
> Now Neil keeps his face carefully neutral. Because Andrew hasn’t said anything. Hasn’t mentioned what lies beyond college, beyond the safe bubble they’ve created here. About whether Neil or Exy are even in the picture.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil thinks entirely too much, Wymack makes things worse, and Dan is just trying her best, okay? 
> 
> Also, how much sleep does Kevin actually need, anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy, we’ve got some serious introspection going on in this one, folks! Down the rabbithole we go…
> 
> Also I officially earn my E status with this chapter, guys, so if that’s not your thing- skip the last scene until you see the name NEIL in all caps. For the rest of you- you’re welcome 😉
> 
> Other trigger warnings: physical and mental abuse scene (not graphic), could also be some slight depression prompts. Tread carefully and be safe mentally y’all, okay?

Andrew is pissed about something. 

He brushes past Neil on the landing, their bodies less than an inch away, but Andrew makes sure that they don’t touch. He’s going somewhere, swinging the keys in his hands, round and round, like a nervous tic as he descends the stairs. 

He doesn’t ask Neil to go with him. Neil doesn’t follow. 

He lingers though, staring at the empty stairwell. He ignores the disappointed feeling in his gut, the hope that flares and dies in the pit of his stomach as he stares at Andrew’s retreating back. He turns instead and enters the now quiet dorm. Kevin must be off in Matt’s room, probably playing video games with Nicky and Aaron. Their living room is dark and silent. Empty. 

Neil looks around at it before going over to the window. He stares at the vacant spot in the parking lot where Andrew’s Maserati usually sits. Then he walks into the bedroom and changes his clothes. 

Apparently, they’re both running tonight. 

He takes off at a slow jog from the parking lot and starts his normal route. 

His interactions with Andrew feel off lately. There’s a weight pressing down on his shoulders whenever they speak, making every step seem heavy. Things that should feel normal seem out of whack. Neil pictures it like they’d been walking on land previously, their steps aligned and perfectly in sync. But now they’re on a ship, weaving back and forth. While Neil stumbles and fights to regain his balance, Andrew just stands there and watches him, unaffected.

He wishes someone could explain how he’s supposed to feel about this. Because right now he feels both foolish and stupid, letting whatever this is takeover his entire thought process. Though he tries to ignore it, it won’t leave him alone. He feels like his eyes have been opened to something, but he doesn’t know what it is, doesn’t know how to describe it, much less deal with it. 

What makes a relationship? Is there a certain milestone two people must cross? Or a certain amount of trust? Is it simply something they both have to want? And what does being in a relationship mean, anyway? Is it any different than what he and Andrew are doing right now? Are there different obligations that come with it? 

His feet slap against the pavement as he winds his way through a residential neighborhood off the main drag.

Well, it sounds like exclusivity might be a thing, Neil admits as he thinks back to the way Nicky and Matt spoke about it. Like it’s a given that if you’re in a relationship with someone, then it means you’re with them alone. It’s…not an unpleasant thought from his perspective. But Andrew had rejected it almost immediately.

Maybe Andrew doesn’t want to be exclusive. Maybe he wants the ability to choose someone else, doesn’t want to be locked into any kind of promise with Neil. Maybe…maybe Neil isn’t worth committing to…whatever is required of being in a relationship. Maybe he’s too fucked up, too abnormal to even try.

And at least in this way, Neil can understand why. After all, his parents were nowhere near the ideal candidates for long-lasting relationships. Neil is a living example of the mistake that had been. Perhaps Andrew took one look at where Neil came from and knew he could never be more.

He also knows, to a certain extent, that Andrew being with other people has always been about control. That he used the emotional distance as a weapon, refusing to let himself get attached in any way that could hurt him. 

So why did Neil think Andrew would treat him any different?

Once Andrew and Neil started, Neil hadn’t spared others a second thought. Foolishly, he hadn’t even considered whether Andrew still looked at other people that way. Like an ass, he unconsciously assumed that Andrew had stopped because of Neil. Just because Neil never looks at anyone else.

How presumptuous of him. What Andrew did before was simply how he controlled the situation; not how it started in the first place. Andrew has needs and urges that Neil can only relate to through his experiences with Andrew. But Andrew isn’t bound by those same limits. There are other people that he has found, and probably still does find, attractive.

Like Kevin. And Roland. And other people that Neil probably has no idea about.

It scares Neil because he thinks he knows how Garrett feels. Which makes him an idiot, like Andrew said. Especially because of what Andrew said. 

He knows Andrew will never put up with such nonsense. Probably would never speak to him again if he were to try something like what Garrett did.

But somehow, he seems to get it. He thinks of how he froze after Andrew’s comment at Eden’s. Of the spike of anger that had risen watching that guy stare at Andrew the other morning at the gym. Of the panic and disarray it’s thrown him into. Of how he’s still thinking about it, circling on it days and weeks later. 

What is wrong with him? 

He picks up the pace as he circles the town park, watching the streetlamps begin to turn on.

Andrew has probably dismissed the incident from Eden’s already. Neither has he mentioned the runner from the gym. They clearly don’t bother him in the slightest. So why does Neil keep harping on it? If the fact that Andrew and other guys are mutually interested in each other doesn’t bug Andrew, then Neil shouldn’t worry about it either. Right?

It’s just that he’s never done this. Never felt this way about anyone, and he doesn’t know if or when he can ask something. If pressing the wrong button will mean watching the entire thing implode in his face. 

And Neil already feels as if he’s on unequal footing with Andrew. Andrew’s so confident, so sure in what he does. It leaves Neil feeling as if he’s fumbling in the dark sometimes, trying to keep up with Andrew only to stub his toe or run into something. 

He's not sure why Andrew puts up with it. 

Neil pants as he rounds the corner of the Palmetto High School, turning back towards the road that leads him to the college.

He feels disgusted with himself sometimes, the way he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from Andrew.

Maybe Andrew feels like that too. Maybe he wishes Neil would stop. 

How do other people do this? How do they convey how much someone else means to them with methods other than words? Without everything else getting in the way? 

How is he supposed to know if they feel the same?

His stomach drops as he thinks of how Andrew left tonight, how it pained him to watch him walk out to that parking lot alone.

Is it wrong for him to want someone with every breath of his lungs? To ache to reach out, to touch and console them? 

He wants Andrew’s hands on him so fiercely sometimes that he can’t stand it. Wants to sink his hands into the silky strands of Andrew’s hair and pull tight, have him drop his head back so that Neil can latch his teeth onto Andrew’s earlobe. Feel him gasp and shudder. Roll his hips against him so that Andrew’s hands clamp onto his thighs. Sink into his mouth and kiss him senseless until they both can’t breathe. 

He wants to ask but he can’t. He can’t ask. Can he? 

No, he can’t. He can’t be like them. It’s Andrew’s pace that matters. It’s what Andrew wants that matters. 

Neil shouldn’t ask for things. He shouldn’t have wants. 

He knows better.

_“Abram, that’s disgusting,” his mother’s voice spits in his ear, shoving him off the bed with a swift kick. “Get off! Get off the bed right now! I don’t want that around me.”_

_He lays on the floor, mortified. He puts his hands between his legs and pulls his knees up to his chest, trying to cover up the painfully hard erection he woke up with that morning._

_He doesn’t understand what’s happening. He wasn’t doing anything, wasn’t even dreaming before she woke him. He doesn’t know why his body is like this, but he feels ashamed nonetheless even before his mother starts in on him._

_“You stupid, stupid boy. Can’t keep it in your pants, can you?”_

_Slap._

_“This is because of that girl from the gas station the other day, isn’t it? Little slut.”_

_Smack._

_“Did you touch her? You_ can’t touch them _, Abram. They’re a distraction. A mistake.”_

_Pinch and twist._

_“All they’ll do is ask for things, make you do things that will get you killed. You want to die, Abram? Want to be stabbed just because you wanted to shove your dick inside her? Because you let your guard down around her? Do you ever listen to what I tell you? What is wrong with you?”_

_Smack._

_Her chest is heaving, eyes filled with disgust as she stares down at him. “Your father had wandering eyes too. Is that who you want to be like, Abram? Want to follow in his footsteps?”_

_He shakes his head frantically, eyes pleading with her to believe him._

_But she just curls her lip before looking away. She takes several deep breaths. Then she goes and sits back on the bed. Silence overtakes the room._

_It lasts for so long that he isn’t sure whether she’s going to speak to him again. But he knows better than to respond when she’s like this. So he simply lays there, frozen and waiting._

_Finally, she confesses in a low whisper, “You look just like him. It makes me sick.”_

_His stomach drops, and he curls in even tighter on himself._

_“Filthy, disgusting boy. Go get rid of it right now. And don’t let me catch you like that again.”_

_He crawls off to the bathroom, his nose bloody, his ribs aching, and his erection properly withered. He sits, shaking in the cold shower, until she leaves._

_Because he knows she’s right. He is disgusting._

He’s disgusting. He’s shameful, filthy. He shouldn’t touch Andrew. Shouldn’t ask for things, want things- he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t-

Neil lets out a shuddering breath and leans against a nearby wall, dropping down so that he can put his head between his knees. He closes his eyes and forces his lungs to expand and contract. 

No, no. Andrew said it was okay. He would have told Neil if it wasn’t. He’ll stop Neil if he goes too far. 

Neil just needs to rein himself in. He needs to cool it. Only give Andrew what he needs. Only if and when Andrew wants it. Bottle the rest up. Will it away. He can do this. 

When his pulse finally stops racing, Neil raises his head and looks around. He’s surprised to find he’s at the Court. But maybe he shouldn’t be. It seems like all things in his life lead back to either Andrew or Exy. Shrugging internally, he makes his way inside.

In the hallway, he walks past the empty locker rooms and Abby’s dark office to the only doorway with light. Wymack’s voice is loud enough that it carries out into the hallway where Neil can hear it. 

“No, no, I think he’ll be very interested, John. Just not at this time. Kevin is intent on earning his degree first which means he’ll be staying at PSU for the full term. Keep him in mind for next year and then we can talk.”

Neil creeps closer until he’s hovering outside of Wymack’s door. 

“Yep, yep, you too. Ha! Right. Okay then. Bye.” Wymack ends the phone call and leans back in his chair. As per usual, his office is in shambles. Papers, files, and DVDs are piled everywhere, with rogue pads and Exy balls littered in between. Neil thinks he can even see a lone orange sock hanging from one of the open filing cabinets. It makes him smile. 

Wymack rubs his eyes with his hand before he lets out a sigh. “Are you going to spy on me all night, Neil, or are you gonna come in?”

Neil blushes as he steps around the corner of the door to where Wymack can see him. “How did you know it was me?”

Wymack snorts. “Call it a sixth sense. You overhear me talking about Kevin?”

Neil nods. “Pirates again?”

“You got it. Good old John. I’ll certainly give him the award for most persistent.” Wymack snorts. “Surprised?”

Neil raises an eyebrow. “That pro agents are calling for the son of Exy already? I’d have to be an idiot.”

“Well, jokes on them. Wait until they find out Kevin won’t even consider them if Thea or Jeremy aren’t on the team.”

Neil grins.

Wymack scratches his head. “It’s not just him though. I’ve been getting calls for Matt too. He’ll be pleased. He’s got a good selection to pick from. And the usual for Andrew, of course. Although I’m not sure he cares. That one is more of a question mark than the others.”

Neil blinks in surprise. Again, he shouldn’t be. Other people could and should see how amazing Andrew is. Especially when it comes to Exy. But still, he’s thrown off. 

It shows how comfortable he’s grown when instead of keeping his astonishment to himself, he immediately blurts out, “Andrew?”

Wymack lifts an eyebrow. “Of course. Ever since that game where he blocked 150 shots on goal against the Ravens, they’ve been bugging me. He’ll be a top pick next year for sure. If he decides to go pro.”

Neil puts an arm around his back and grabs his other elbow. “Do you think he will?”

Wymack looks taken aback by this question. “I would think you would know better than I, Neil.”

Now Neil keeps his face carefully neutral. Because Andrew hasn’t said anything. Hasn’t mentioned what lies beyond college, beyond the safe bubble they’ve created here. About whether Neil or Exy are even in the picture. 

After an awkward moment of silence, Wymack offers, “It’s a big decision for him to make. It’s what he’s going to do with the rest of his life. And unlike you and Kevin, he actually has a choice of what that could be. Exy might not be the path he takes.” 

He scratches his chin before he looks like he decides something. “I just spoke with one of his professors the other day. There’s a list of internships he provided to Andrew that he’s wondering if Andrew might be interested in. He’s apparently at the top of his class for his major, but he’s worried Andrew won’t take advantage because of his commitments to the team. As if we’ve never dealt with this kind of thing,” he rolls his eyes. 

Neil looks down at his feet. He rolls his right ankle, feels it crack.

“It’s up to him to decide of course,” Wymack shrugs. “But I let the guy know to speak with Andrew on it. See what he wants to do.”

Neil just nods. 

Wymack frowns. “Everything okay, Neil? Something you want to talk to me about?”

Neil hesitates for only a second before he shakes his head. “No. Just passing by on my run.” 

Wymack gives him a look before he nods. “Don’t wear yourself out. First game of the season is in a couple days.”

Neil gives him a small smile and a nod. He turns to go when he hears Wymack ask, “Don’t you wanna know if anyone is calling for you?”

Neil thinks about it. Then he shakes his head. His future is set in stone. Either he will go on to play Exy or he won’t. It’s not for him to determine yet. Right now, he only cares about what’s happening with Andrew. 

Wymack snorts, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. “One-track mind, Josten. Both you and Kevin. Just make sure both of you leave him alone to make this decision. It’s for him to decide, not any of us.” 

Feeling somehow chastised, Neil’s shoulders droop as he nods his head. Then he slowly walks outside. 

The sun has set and taken the blinding heat with it. A comfortable breeze slips through Neil’s hair as he walks along the lamplit sidewalks back towards Fox Tower. 

Once again, he feels as if he’s been thrown for a loop. He didn’t know that pro agents were already calling for Andrew, or that he was being approached for internships. Did Andrew not want to discuss it with Neil? Or is Neil just that oblivious? Why does it feel like he doesn’t know anything about Andrew lately? 

He stops and pulls out his phone, fully charged and available for once. They should…probably talk about this. He grimaces. But how does he even approach the subject? 

Texting is safer, Neil decides. It gives them a breather emotionally, provides them distance and time to react. He opens up his chat thread with Andrew and begins typing.

 _We should talk_ , he starts and then immediately deletes it. Demanding something will only make Andrew’s heels dig in. Besides, it sets the wrong tone. Andrew may get the wrong impression of what Neil’s trying to say even before he says it. 

Maybe _Do you want to talk?_ Then he deletes that as well. He can already hear Andrew’s _I don’t want anything_ coming back at him. 

_Where did you go?_ No, that could be seen as accusatory when Neil is going for curiosity. 

_Wymack and I were talking about Exy._ Yeah right, Andrew will ignore anything that starts with Exy.

Neil makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. How the hell do you start something that seems impossible to ask?

Screw politeness. 

Neil begins shoving all his feelings into the tiny white box, his fingers flying across the keyboard as he types. 

_Where are you going after you graduate? Do you know? Have you told anyone? Will you tell me? Is it okay if I ask? Because I’d like to know if you’re willing to share. Why haven’t we talked about it? Can I visit you? Do you want me there with you someday? Is what we’re doing working for you? Are you still interested? How do I know? It shouldn’t bug me but it does. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t want what we have to end. Is it okay for me to feel this way about you? Do you feel the same way back? Or am I missing something? What do I tell others if they ask? There’s so much I want to ask but I don’t know if I can. If I should. Is what we have enough, or do you want more?_

He pauses. Then he adds.

_Am I enough? Or do you want someone who can give you more?_

Neil stares at the block of text. Then, before his nerves fail him, he reaches his thumb towards the send button. 

Suddenly his phone is ringing. 

Neil jumps, his hands flailing as he tries to catch the phone before it drops to the ground. Through some miracle, it hasn’t hung up on Dan yet, so he quickly hits the “answer” button and says, “Hello?”

“Neil! Holy shit, you answered? It’s a freaking miracle! I’m gonna make so much money off of Allison and Matt!”

“Hey Dan.”

“Seriously, though, I just thought you carried that thing around in your pocket to add extra weight on your runs.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Is this some kind of Pavlovian effect? Like, does it taser you if you don’t answer Andrew’s calls within a certain time limit-”

“Did you actually need something, Cap?”

Neil swears he can hear Dan grin on the other end. “Yeah, the girls and I are coming to visit next month, and we wanted to hang with the team for a night.”

Neil starts thinking logistics in his head. “Well, we only have a couple cars, but I’m sure if I ask Jess-”

Dan blows a raspberry in his ear. “Not that team, Neil. The old team. The original Foxes. None of the babies for this outing. We were thinking of heading to that bar you guys like in Columbia.”

Now Neil grins. “Sounds fun. I’ll talk to Andrew and the others.”

“Great! Ask him if we can crash at their house too. Makes it easier than someone having to worry about driving all the way back to Palmetto at that time of night.”

Neil’s mouth twitches a bit. It’s funny to him how Dan and the upperclassmen always ask Andrew if they can stay at Nicky’s house. Or, more appropriately, how they ask Neil to ask Andrew if they can stay at Nicky’s house. Although he knows Andrew doesn’t really care, he’ll probably have to make some deal for it. Ice cream or alcohol, most likely. 

He’s already thinking about flavors when Dan breaks into his reverie. “So how are you doing, Neil?”

“Fine,” he says offhandedly, without really thinking about it. 

There’s a pause on the other end of the line. “Okay,” Dan says carefully. “Like a regular person’s kind of fine? Or like, ‘you’re bleeding out on the sidewalk right now and I should have called an ambulance five minutes ago’ kind of fine?”

Neil rolls his eyes. “No blood loss yet, Cap. I’ll let you know if the situation changes though.”

“Good,” Dan responds, and Neil can hear her breathe a tiny sigh of relief before she continues. “Everything good with you and Andrew then?”

Neil’s mind blanks. 

“Um,” he says eloquently. Then he hurries up and adds, “Yeah…we’re, we’re good.”

Crap. He used to be better at this.

Dan pounces on the lie in seconds. “Neil,” she warns. “What does ‘um’ mean?”

Neil thinks about it as he walks up the hill, his thighs burning. Then he decides. 

“Dan,” he says now because he can’t see her, because he feels safe enough to spill his secrets somewhere in the dark where it feels like they’ll never be found. “Am I weird?”

“What?” Dan asks, sharply. “Did someone call you that, Neil? Do I need to kick someone’s ass? Do I need to get Matt to kick someone’s ass? Just say the word. I’ll pummel them into next week.”

Neil snorts. “No, I just…” And again, how does he say this? How does he describe what’s wrong? “…it’s odd to only like one person, right? To not find other people attractive?”

“What makes you say that? Did Andrew tell you that?”

“No,” Neil says immediately. But he’s not sure that Andrew has to.

Neil knows he must be the weird one here. It’s not odd that Andrew finds other people attractive. It’s weird that Neil doesn’t. 

Maybe none of this would be a problem if Neil could desire others the way Andrew did.

Dan blows out a breath. “I don’t think it’s odd,” she says cautiously. “It just…is what it is. Attraction is different for everyone, Neil. As long as both of you understand and consent, then I don’t think you need to worry.”

“But we’re…different,” Neil says now. “Andrew’s gay, and I’m…”

An inexperienced, naïve idiot who can’t even tell what it is they have. If they have anything.

“But Andrew is into you,” Dan responds, her tone confused. “And you’re into him, right? So it doesn’t matter if your sexual orientations are slightly different. They’re not so different that you don’t mesh. I mean, look at Matt and I.”

Neil frowns. “What about you and Matt?”

“Matt’s bi and I’m straight. Do you think we’re so different that we can’t be together?”

Neil blanches at the thought. Dan and Matt seem perfect for each other, the ideal couple. He can’t even imagine one without the other. 

He makes a noise of protest that has Dan laughing. “See? Then why would you think any differently about you and Andrew?”

“Because…” Because it’s different. He knows it is. They’re not like Matt and Dan. 

He’s watched Matt serenade Dan with love songs on Valentine’s Day. Listened to stories of Dan driving through the night to surprise Matt on Christmas. Watched them make out in the corners of bars, on movie nights, and on the court after Exy games. Spotted them holding hands at the mall as the team flitted from store to store. Heard them shout “I love you’s” across the dining hall in front of everyone.

Their love simply glows, bright and shining for all to see.

Neil and Andrew are…quieter to say the least. But he knows that doesn’t even begin to encompass all the reasons why they’re different from Dan and Matt. So he doesn’t bother. 

“…I don’t know,” he finishes lamely, suddenly feeling stupid for even bringing the topic up. 

But Dan seems to hear the hesitancy in his tone. 

“I think Andrew is just more…easily ignited than you,” she says, and he can feel her wince, but she barrels on anyway. “It’s like…it’s like you’ve both got vehicles parked in the middle of winter, right? If you guys want to go somewhere, then you’ll need to start the cars. For Andrew, it’s easy for him to turn the key. Hell, he probably can remote start it from the window. The heat will be blasting inside his vehicle in no time. Whereas yours may take a while to warm up. You've gotta come downstairs, step on the clutch, and turn the key over a couple times. Once you get the engine running, then you have to leave it for a bit until the ice starts to melt from the windshield. Sometimes, you may even need to grab a scraper to help get things started. But eventually both cars will be warm, and it won’t really matter how they got there.”

Neil is silent as he digests this.

Dan continues. “The point is that together you’ve figured out what it takes to get both of them going. In Andrew’s case, it’s who he’s willing to give the keys to. In your case, it’s who’s patient enough to wait for the car to warm up.” 

Neil immediately thinks of Andrew giving him keys to his house and his car. He thinks of Andrew waiting, not badgering him for weeks after their first kiss. Of letting Neil be the one to ask to move forward. Of not pushing him past what Neil was comfortable with. What either of them were comfortable with. 

“And that’s okay?” he asks in a voice that’s small. 

“Of course it’s okay,” Dan breathes. 

Neil lets out a shuddering breath in the silence. 

“Do you want to talk about this anymore?” Dan asks quietly. 

Neil shakes his head, then remembers that she can’t see him. 

But Dan seems to get his silence, so she offers, “Want to talk about Exy instead?”

“Sure,” he says quickly, and lets her lead the conversation around their chances for the season, her thoughts on the new recruits, and their competition until Neil gets lost in the mundaneness of it. 

He’s so wrapped up in his thoughts that he barely recognizes when she hangs up the phone with him. 

“Bye Neil! Can’t wait to see you next month!”

“See you then,” he whispers. 

He ends the call and stares down at the text message he’d been typing up to Andrew. He considers it for a long moment. Then he erases the whole thing. 

He’s making a bigger deal about this than it needs to be. They’re not a thing. He doesn’t have a relationship with Andrew. It’s what Andrew has said all along- they’re nothing. And he’s been very upfront with Neil about this. He’s never lied once. He’d probably be very annoyed at Neil for even bothering to ask. 

Neil has no right to ask him what he’s doing in the future, or where he’s going. He should just get over it, move on, focus back on real things that he should be worrying about, like Exy and the Foxes.

He can ignore this feeling that says he should have been paying closer attention. This gut instinct that says something is unraveling faster than Neil can keep up with. It’ll be fine. 

The sight of Fox Tower rises in front of him. He takes a quick glance at the parking lot and sees that the Maserati still isn’t back. He stifles a sigh and heads towards the front door.

He wonders if Andrew will be in a better mood when he returns. Wonders if maybe Andrew will want to kiss him. Or maybe, if Neil’s lucky, he’ll want to do more. 

He blows out a frustrated breath and starts up the stairs.

\---

They’re on the bed in Columbia, with Neil’s legs spread wide and Andrew seated comfortably between them. They’re both naked except for their boxers, torsos slotted together and setting a rhythm that has Neil’s jaw dropping. He spouts off helpless noises with every roll and jerk of Andrew’s hips.

Andrew lazily runs circles with his tongue around Neil’s nipple, tugging it with his teeth before kissing his way up his chest. He laves at the pulse thrumming at the base of Neil’s throat, makes little marks up the line of his neck, and nibbles at the shell of his ear. Neil clutches his back, fingernails biting into the hard muscles of Andrew’s shoulders. 

He does a particularly hard thrust and Neil keens, his own hips rising off the bed, chasing the feeling.

“Like that, huh?” Andrew whispers in his ear. “Do you want more?”

Neil nods eagerly, his tongue suddenly heavy and unable to form words. 

Andrew’s hands trail down Neil’s ribs and back until they slide over the curve of his ass. He squeezes once before tilting it up, fitting Neil even more perfectly against him. Neil’s head falls back against the pleasure the new angle brings, but it’s not enough. He lets out a soft whine. 

“Can’t hear you, Neil,” Andrew tells him. “Need you to beg for it.”

Neil tries but he can’t seem to get his voice to work. It frustrates him. 

Andrew pulls up then, grabbing Neil’s hands from his shoulders and pinning them above Neil’s head. He lifts his hips away from Neil. “Then this stops until you tell me what you want.”

Neil twists and bucks his body up towards Andrew, but Andrew’s grip holds him tight. His hips only meet air. His cock twitches even as he squirms helplessly. 

“Drew,” he finally manages to sob. “Touch me. Now.”

“I am touching you,” Andrew smirks, squeezing Neil’s wrists with his hand. 

Neil shakes his head, blushing. “No, need you- need you to- to touch my cock.”

Andrew smiles. “Okay then.” He brushes his free hand down Neil’s stomach, causing the muscles to quiver until he has him firmly in his grip. Neil waits but all Andrew does is sit there comfortably and hold him. He lets out another frustrated groan. 

“Did you want something more?” Andrew asks innocently. 

“God, Drew, I can’t-I can’t, I-” Neil swallows as he looks at Andrew almost hysterically. “Just-”

“Just what?”

“Stroke my cock,” Neil finally blurts. “Fuck me with your hand.”

Andrew bends down and kisses Neil on the forehead. “There we go. Good job.” 

And Neil shudders out a breath of relief as he begins stroking Neil hard. His hand is a blur, the muscles in his forearm rippling with each pull. 

Embarrassing sounds escape Neil’s throat as Andrew swipes his thumb over the head of his cock, smearing pre-cum all over it. 

“Mm, love the noises that you make,” Andrew growls in his ear, his breath rasping over each word. “Keep doing it, babe.”

Neil gasps when Andrew lines up their hips and begins to thrust against him again, coordinating with his hand. Neil’s body jerks each time Andrew slams into him but is stopped by the weight of Andrew’s hands on his wrists. He feels deliciously controlled. It lets him focus only on the waves of pleasure as Andrew grips him tighter, pushes him harder. 

He moans again and again as Andrew watches, his eyes never leaving Neil’s. “That’s it. So good for me, babe. So good.” Incredibly, he speeds up, rocking against Neil faster. “You going to cum for me, Neil?” he pants. “Gonna let me see it?”

“Yes, yes,” Neil chants, his hips shaking. He can feel it coming, can sense the tight swirl of pleasure coiling deep in his gut and rising, impossible to stop. “Drew, I’m cumming- I’m cumming, Drew- I-”

“Then do it. Cum.”

Andrew twists his hand over the head of Neil’s cock viciously, and that’s all it takes for Neil to spill over. He’s blinded by the pleasure, shuddering through the release even as he’s reaching hands up towards Andrew, begging him to cum with him, needing to see him-

“NEIL!”

Neil jerks upright in bed, his heart thundering. He scrambles backwards, his legs tangling helplessly in the sheets.

Andrew’s upside-down face is staring at him blankly as he leans over the side of his cot.

“What the actual fuck?” Kevin asks, sitting up in bed. He glares at Neil suspiciously. 

“I’m- what, where-” Neil fumbles, trying to get his bearings. His vision is blurry as he peers at them through the dark.

Andrew tilts his head. “You said my name.”

“Several times,” Kevin emphasizes. “Loudly.”

“I-I-” Neil stammers. 

Kevin narrows his eyes before he suddenly raises an eyebrow, his head tilting. “ _Sweet dreams_?” he murmurs smugly in French. 

He. Wait. What?

Neil swallows hard and fights to control his breathing. He tries to take stock of where he is, what’s going on, his mind still back in the house in Columbia with Andrew where they just-

He takes a sudden indrawn breath. He swears internally, his eyes popping wide.

His boxers are wet.

Neil blushes so hard he feels like his face might burn off. 

Andrew’s brow furrows. “Neil?”

“I’m fine,” Neil squeaks, his hands twisting the covers up to his chin. He can’t let them know. 

Kevin rolls his eyes.

Andrew narrows his own. “Are you sure-”

“Yep, I’m sure,” Neil’s head bobs. “All good. Perfectly okay.” 

Andrew stares at him. “I-”

“Jesus Christ, he said he’s fine, so will the two of you shut up then?” comes Kevin’s harassed voice. “Some of us would like to sleep.”

“Shove it up your ass, Day,” Andrew grumbles as his head disappears from view. Neil can hear the mattress shifting above him as Andrew gets settled again. 

Kevin mutters death threats in French before rolling over. 

Neil waits until he hears them breathing evenly once more before he gets up. He uses all of his skills to open a drawer quietly, take out a fresh pair of boxers, and slip out the bedroom door. Once in the bathroom, he slips off his boxers, wincing at the sticky mess inside. He cleans himself and the garment quickly. He refuses to look in the mirror as he does so, humiliation pouring from every inch of his skin. 

_Disgusting,_ he thinks again as he scrubs at the underwear viciously. _I’m disgusting_.

He can only be grateful that Andrew doesn’t know what he was thinking about. How he had used him in his dreams without his consent. 

He shakes his head at his own foolishness. He should have known it was a dream. Andrew is never that expressive in bed. While he controls and demands more from Neil’s body, drawing pleasure from Neil in ways he’d never thought possible, he rarely uses words. He never praises Neil or offers any endearments. 

Is that what Neil wants? Is that what his fucked-up psyche is telling him? Jesus, he’s so selfish.

Only once the boxers are thoroughly scrubbed does he wring them out and throw them under the bed. He slides back under the covers and curls his body in tight. He digs his fingers into his hair and pulls hard, a small punishment since his mother isn’t there to dole one out. 

Then he lays there until the dawn comes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neil, baby. Be kinder to yourself. 😔
> 
> I've been waiting to share this chapter because I think how Mary's abuse affects Neil's orientation is pretty much skipped over in the books, but it's a huge part of why he approaches things the way he does. I do believe they're two separate things: that Neil was demi before his mother ever touched him, but I think it brings an entirely new perspective to how he approaches his demisexuality because he has nothing but negative thoughts/memories associated with sexual attraction. And I don't think he ever felt comfortable enough or was close enough to teenagers his age to ask about some of these "normal" things that happen- like morning wood or wet dreams. Or at least that's my take on it. Interested to hear your thoughts!
> 
> Also, I could totally see Dan being either straight or bi, so if you see her differently that's cool. But for the purposes of how I wanted that conversation to go with Neil, I obviously made her straight. We're gonna run with it for now. 🤔🤷
> 
> Random Side Note: who ever thought you could bring an ice scraper into a conversation about sexual arousal? *not this author* 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed!  
> 
> 
> Next Time:  
> They lock eyes, each refusing to back down when suddenly Neil’s phone rings.
> 
> It takes him a minute to even realize it’s his. He stares at it foreignly, sitting over on a table by the wall. Apparently, someone had taken it out and decided to charge the thing. He takes two steps forward and snatches the annoying object off the table. 
> 
> Why the hell do people keep calling him? 
> 
> He looks down and sees a name appear on his screen that makes his blood run cold. 
> 
> Ichirou. 
> 
> His heartbeat rises. His hands feel clammy as he lifts the phone to his ear. He takes a deep breath before calmly stating, “Good evening, my lord.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first game of the season. What could go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exy? What? That sport thing that the books completely revolve around and all the characters play? Yeah okay, maybe we should have a chapter about it. Let's give these kids a break, eh?

It’s Andrew’s turn to wake them up the next morning, but this time Neil knows the dreams are anything but pleasant. 

He jolts up in bed at the first signs of Andrew tossing and turning. He tumbles out of it when the whimpers begin. 

Kevin sits up in his bed blearily, grappling for his phone to check the time. But he says nothing.

Standing on his own cot and holding onto Andrew’s bedframe for balance, Neil calls his name softly until the goalie wakes with a start. His eyes whip to Neil, wide and unfocused. He pushes his feet against the rail until his back is solidly against the wall. 

Neil makes no sudden movements. 

Only then does Andrew’s breath begin to even out, his eyelids drooping as recognition takes hold. He drops his head to the pillow as he continues to stare at Neil, saying nothing.

“It’s over,” Neil says softly. “They’re not here. You're safe.” 

He doesn’t ask if Andrew’s okay. Because he’s not. He never will be from this. 

“Do you want some hot chocolate?” he asks quietly. 

But Andrew doesn’t move. 

Neil swallows. “Do you want me to stay?”

Andrew shuts his eyes. He shakes his head.

Neil’s heart drops slightly. Not because Andrew wants him to go, but because he knows there’s nothing he can do to make this better. Not today anyway.

He slips out of the room and isn’t surprised when Kevin shortly follows. 

“Bad day?” he whispers, yawning into his hand. 

Neil nods. 

“Fuck,” Kevin says, smushing his hand over his face. He takes a seat at the counter. “It’s game day.”

Neil says nothing. It’s their first game of the season, and it’s against the USC Trojans. One of the toughest teams in the entire league. 

“Do you think he’ll be able to play?” Kevin asks. 

Neil leans back against the counter while he waits for the coffee to brew. “I don’t know,” he says finally. 

They have another goalie sub now that Renee left but the kid is green. He’ll never make it a full game. He needs to text Wymack and let him know that they’ll probably need to forfeit. 

“Just wait,” Kevin says out loud, as if he already knows what Neil is thinking. “Let’s see how he’s feeling in the morning.”

“I’m not risking his health for a stupid game, Kevin.”

“And I’m not saying you should,” Kevin agrees quickly, “I’m just saying let’s let him decide.” 

Neil crosses his arms and scowls. He thinks about it. 

Andrew’s not a child. He can’t just make decisions for him, even though his instinct is telling him to keep Andrew safe in that room, far away from the rest of the world where he can protect him. It’s Andrew’s life. Only Andrew has the right to decide. 

So he snaps, “Only if he says he can do it- if he _wants_ to do it. And no matter what, he’s not playing the full game.”

“Fine,” Kevin says, holding his hands up innocently. He yawns fiercely before heading towards the couch in the living room. He pauses at the arm. “Three quarters?”

“Go the fuck to sleep, Day.”

“Grumpy,” Kevin muses before he flops down. He’s snoring again within moments.

Neil finishes making the coffee and drinks it slowly. 

When Andrew finally comes out of his room later that morning, he doesn’t speak. He doesn’t say two words to anyone all day actually, until they’re only two hours away from the game starting. 

“You don’t have to do this,” Neil tells him.

“But if you don’t, we’d have to forfeit, so we kind of need you to,” Kevin notes. 

“It doesn’t matter. It’s only our first game, not our last.”

“But it does kind of set the tone for the season, playing against one of our biggest rivals.”

“Which neither of us give a shit about because your mental health matters more than any stupid game,” Neil glares at Kevin, willing the taller man to shut up for once in his life. 

Kevin immediately goes to open his mouth again which lands him a punch in his stomach from Neil. He doubles over, wheezing as Neil smiles breezily at Andrew. “See? Kevin agrees.”

Andrew looks down at Kevin, stares blankly at Neil, then says, “I’ll play.”

Kevin makes an obnoxious, triumphant noise in the back of his throat that tempts Neil to hit him again. But he dances back the moment Neil moves, sliding past him and into the hallway faster than Neil can blink. “Meet you guys at the car!”

Neil rolls his eyes before turning back to Andrew. “You really don’t have to, you know that, right?” Neil says again, just to make sure. 

Andrew nods. “I know.”

Then he walks past Neil and heads out the door. 

Neil sighs, hoisting his bag up higher on his shoulder and follows him.

\---

He’s not really surprised when they lose. Disappointed, but not surprised. And mainly at himself. 

He’d had ridiculously high hopes that somehow he’d pull them all together and make the Foxes a cohesive unit before the season started. Really break the mold this time and make them a force to be reckoned with right out of the gate. But it seems as if the Foxes are always destined to stumble and fall at the start. 

Neil’s just never felt like it’s his fault before. 

The press tears him a new one for it, placing the blame squarely on his shoulders in less subtle ways with every question, until Kevin and him are scrambling to answer civilly. Neil doesn’t know how Dan stood it. His respect for the former captain impossibly grows larger.

It’s only once Neil gets a question about Andrew, seemingly out of left field, that he loses his cool. 

“Neil, it’s obvious to everyone how the game changes when Minyard is in goal. We’ve heard several rumors that he’s being sought after by the Chicago Pistons and is in talks to leave PSU early to join their ranks. Can you confirm or deny this?” 

Normally, Neil would have scoffed and blasted the rumor, maybe even laughed at how ridiculous it was. But after speaking with Wymack the other night, he hesitates. He shouldn’t be making assumptions. Maybe Andrew has been speaking with them. Maybe he does plan to leave the team and go pro early. Who is Neil to say?

So he just purses his lips and says coldly, “It’s not my place to comment on what Andrew’s future plans are, regarding Exy or otherwise. You’ll have to ask him if that’s a decision he’s making.”

He sees Kevin’s brow furrow out of his peripheral vision, giving Neil a quick glance. Neil ignores him.

Unsurprisingly, this answer doesn’t satisfy the vultures, and they circle him immediately. 

“Does this mean the rumors are true?”

“So there’s a chance that he may be considering?”

“Is this a direct result of you being named captain, Josten? Is there bad blood between the two of you?”

“What will happen to the Foxes then? Do they even stand a chance without Minyard in goal?”

Neil’s temper finally snaps. “Of course we stand a chance. As good as Andrew is, and as lucky as we are to have him, he’s not the only one out there. It’s called a team for a reason- there are five other players out on that court at all times who are just as responsible for the outcome of the game as he is. Though I’m not surprised you can’t see that with your head shoved so far up your ass. By the time you manage to pull it out, you might be able to watch us crush someone in the championships. Because you can bet we’ll be there.” He smiles and says pointedly, “With or without Andrew.” 

There’s a pregnant pause in the aftershock of Neil’s words. Then the room explodes with noise.

He hears Kevin hastily doing his best to control the damage, but Neil could care less. He walks away from the table without a second thought, not stopping until he reaches the lounge where he sees Andrew waiting. 

The goalie tilts his head, a questioning glance, but Neil shakes his own. He knows what’s coming. 

Kevin follows him into the locker room not two seconds later, with Jean at his heels. “Jesus, we can’t go through another game like that!” he rants. “That was humiliating!”

Jean’s gaze is cool as he leans against the wall, exposing their weaknesses with little emotion. “It wasn’t the best showing, I’ll admit. Your new goalie is greener than we expected, and your dealers are a weak spot now that Wilds and Reynolds are gone.” 

Neil swallows. He hates how his nerves are instantly put on edge merely by the sound of the Frenchman’s lightly accented voice. Memories of Evermore threaten to crowd in against his will. 

Kevin rounds on him. “We have to put Andrew in longer,” he argues, but Neil is having none of it. 

“No,” he snaps. “We have to learn to do better as a team. Andrew can’t play whole games. He won’t if he decides to go pro, and we won’t have him forever. I will not allow this team to use him as an excuse for poor performance.”

Kevin sputters. “But that’s-”

“A reasonable conclusion that you’re well aware is correct, Kevin,” Jean intercedes smoothly. “We’ve seen many talented players dim and fail due to overuse before. If you’re even considering Andrew making it to the pros, you have to be more careful with using him.”

“Well of course, but with the proper training-”

“I said no, Kevin,” Neil repeats stubbornly. 

“But-”

“No.”

“I just-”

“NO.”

They lock eyes, each refusing to back down when suddenly Neil’s phone rings. 

It takes him a minute to even realize it’s his. He stares at it foreignly, sitting over on a table by the wall. Apparently, someone had taken it out and decided to charge the thing. He takes two steps forward and snatches the annoying object off the table. 

Why the hell do people keep calling him? 

He looks down and sees a name appear on his screen that makes his blood run cold. 

Ichirou. 

His heartbeat rises. His hands feel clammy as he lifts the phone to his ear. He takes a deep breath before calmly stating, “Good evening, my lord.”

All of the men in the room stop what they’re doing to look at him. 

He immediately walks out into the hallway, not willing to let them distract him. He can’t afford to slip up just because they’re breathing down his neck. 

“Wesninski,” Ichirou greets coolly, and it immediately sends a shudder down Neil’s back. “I watched your game tonight and must say I’m disappointed. They do not look like the marks of a championship team.”

“Yes, my lord. I understand. But the season is young. They will learn. I will teach them.”

“See that you do. I expect to see the Foxes in the championships again this year. With two of my biggest investments on one team, I have high expectations of both of you.”

“Yes, my lord.”

“And be careful of that temper. While amusing, I also don’t want it getting in the way of any potential opportunities with the press.”

“Of course. I apologize, my lord.”

There’s silence for a moment. “Is the goalie a problem?”

Neil’s grip tightens around the phone, the blood in his veins turning to ice. “No, my lord. Just a…misunderstanding with the press.”

There’s another moment of silence as Ichirou thinks on this. Neil can feel his stomach winding into knots, his knees shaking as Ichirou decides. His nails dig into his thigh as he waits. Then the yakuza lord finally says, “Let me know if it becomes one. I protect what’s mine, Wesninski, you know that.”

Relief crashes through his system, overwhelming him. It takes everything in Neil to answer calmly, “Yes, my lord, thank you.”

“And tell Jean I was extremely pleased with his performance tonight. He played excellently- did my uncle proud. Ah, in fact,” he says amusedly, “I believe you athletes say, ‘good game.’ Tell him that for me.”

“Of course, my lord.”

Ichirou sighs. Then he says, “I do not like being disappointed. Don’t make a habit of it. Regardless of your tie to your father, I will kill you and your friends without a second thought if you don’t provide value to me. And games like tonight can make a man wonder.”

“I understand, my lord. We will not fail you. I promise.”

“And I will hold you to it,” the man says silkily. “A man is only as good as his word, Wesninski. Remember that.”

“Yes, my lord.”

“Go get some rest. Goodnight, Nathaniel.”

“Goodnight, my lord.”

He hangs up the phone and immediately drops to his knees, his vision fading and the blood rushing to his head. He’s still okay. They were all okay. No one was dying tonight. Ichirou wasn’t pleased, but he wasn’t ready to kill them just yet. 

Though he still feels nauseous, he forces himself to his feet and swings the lounge door open again. 

The room goes quiet as Kevin, Jean, and Andrew stare at him, waiting for his response. 

Neil addresses Kevin first. “He says we have work to do. And that we should get started if we want a shot at reaching championships this year. Which he expects.”

Kevin’s face drains of color, his right hand clutching his left as he unconsciously takes a step back. 

Neil doesn’t wait for the breakdown that he knows is coming. He just turns to Jean and reiterates, “He wanted you to know that you played excellently today, Jean. He specifically said to tell you, ‘good game.’” 

Jean swallows audibly before he nods once at Neil, casting his eyes to the side quickly. 

He thinks about telling Kevin and Jean about Ichirou’s threats. About how he was disappointed, of how he wanted to remind them how close they are to dying at any point. Then he decides against it. There’s no need for all three of them to suffer. “That’s it.”

He strides past them and into the locker room. He opens his locker, grabs a towel and the rest of his supplies, and heads towards the showers. He thinks he hears someone come in after him, but he doesn’t care who it is at the moment. He can’t talk to anyone right now. 

He dives into the nearest shower stall and turns it on, making it as hot as he can manage. He scrubs at his body mindlessly as he tries to get his heartbeat to return to normal. 

Fuck, if he had answered the wrong way…if he’d said just the wrong thing…then Andrew would be dead tonight. 

The thought brings him to his knees again in the stall, hands slapping loudly against the floor as his breath spins out of control. He stays down there, shaking, taking in huge gulps of air until the water runs cold. When he finally feels as if he’s not going to shatter into pieces the moment he steps outside the stall, he reaches up and turns the handle. 

He towels himself off before dragging on boxers and sweatpants, draping the towel around his neck. Then he walks back towards the benches. 

Andrew is waiting for him there, his head resting against the lockers and his eyes almost closed as he sits on the bench. Neil takes two faltering steps towards him, drinking in the sight of him before Ichirou’s words are once again ringing in his ears. 

He sinks onto the bench and simply curls in towards himself, breaths becoming wild and erratic for the third time that night.

In seconds, Andrew is beside him, kneeling in front of him but not quite touching and Neil remembers. Today is a bad day for Andrew. It means he can’t reach out and feel Andrew, assuring himself that his pulse still beats beneath Neil’s fingertips. It means Andrew can’t grab the back of his neck, grounding him, his silent command for Neil to stay in the moment, stay here with him. It means that Neil can’t kiss him, can’t grind himself against Andrew and remind him that they are real, that they can still have this right now, that it hasn’t been taken away from them yet. 

So he brings his own hand up to the back of his neck to try and calm himself down. It doesn’t work but he at least feels better for trying. For not making Andrew force himself to do anything uncomfortable just because Neil is having a moment. 

But Andrew is still waiting for an explanation, so Neil forces himself to take a breath and whispers, “He said not to disappoint him. That it doesn’t matter to him if all three of us make it or not. That games like tonight are enough to make him second-guess.”

Andrew’s face stares at him blankly, but his mouth pulls into a tight line. He’s irritated, Neil can tell, but he says nothing. 

Neil doesn’t tell him what Ichirou said about him. Not only is he unsure he can voice the words again, but he knows there’s nothing either of them can say to counter it. If Ichirou decides to kill any of them, they’re as good as dead.

Neil shivers again, his eyes closing as fear rolls through him, before a loud noise makes him jump. 

Andrew slaps the bench, his wide palm making a deafening sound as it meets the wood. He stares Neil down, the intensity in his eyes capturing Neil’s attention immediately. 

He swallows, opens his mouth, and says, “It’s just one game.”

Neil knows this is hard. He knows that Andrew has a limited reserve of words today, and he’s choosing to use them on Neil. But he can’t seem to help himself from answering, his head shaking as he starts, “But-”

“You will not worry about something that hasn’t happened,” Andrew whispers at him, his eyes boring into Neil’s. “You won’t let it happen. Kevin won’t let it happen. I won’t let it happen.”

_I won’t let it happen._

He’s saying he’ll be there. He’s saying he won’t let Neil down. He’s telling Neil to lean on him, to let him carry some of his burden.

Neil’s throat closes and his eyes feel hot as he shuts them quickly. He’s finally able to take a deep breath. He nods his head to let Andrew know he heard. And when he opens his eyes, he stares at Andrew and lets down his guard. He tries to let him see everything he’s feeling, tries to impart how important this is to him, how grateful he is to Andrew for being there exactly when he needs it. 

But Andrew’s eyes are clouded. His brow furrows as he stares at Neil and he feels him retreating quickly. 

Neil doesn’t push. It’s a bad day after all. 

So he crushes all his emotions into a tight ball as he watches Andrew stand up and head towards the door. The words “get dressed” are thrown over the goalie’s shoulder before he disappears. 

Neil sits there for another moment before he stands up and finishes dressing. He throws things haphazardly into his bag before shutting his locker. He weaves between the benches as he heads towards the door. 

He can’t think anymore tonight. So he doesn’t try. 

He walks outside of the locker room and finds Matt, Nicky, and Aaron snickering nearby. Since they haven’t been in the locker room for a while, Neil assumes they’ve been addressing fans that like to wait for the team outside the stadium sometimes. But Neil doesn’t see anyone there now, so he wonders what’s made them linger. 

“Ten bucks says he threatens him within an inch of his life,” Matt smirks. 

“Fifteen says he shoves a knife at the kid’s face,” Aaron adds. 

“Maybe he’ll just be nice? Like ignore him or something?” Nicky winces. 

Neil stares over at Andrew’s car where a fan has obviously been waiting for Andrew. He’s chattering on animatedly as Andrew smokes, the goalie’s eyes staring off in the distance as he waits. The kid is a little younger than Neil, but there’s a brightness to him, an eagerness that Neil doesn’t recognize. 

"He's so little and cute," Nicky winks. "Think Andrew will let me have him?" 

Aaron rolls his eyes.

"No," Matt says, smacking Nicky on the forehead with a game program he snags from a nearby table. "Bad. No touchy."

Nicky pouts.

As they keep watching, the fan says something that has Andrew tilting his head. He looks back at him. Then the goalie flicks a few fingers against his armbands and answers. 

“Whoa,” Matt says. 

“You guys saw that right? It wasn’t just a hallucination on my part?” Nicky says excitedly. 

“What the fuck?” Aaron whispers. 

“Neil, do you know that guy?” Nicky asks. “Why is Andrew being so nice to him?”

Neil doesn’t know him. He doesn’t know why Andrew is being his version of nice. Neil doesn’t know anything. 

There’s that twist in the bottom of his stomach again.

He pushes past the others and heads out to the car. As he approaches, he only catches the very end of Andrew’s sentence, but the few words he does hear are enough to make his blood curdle. 

“-I hate you.”

The kid absolutely grins. It’s a feverish, enthusiastic look that has him bursting with excitement before he takes off. Recognizing Neil, he waves once before he’s gone, finally catching up with a group of friends that were waiting for him. 

Neil freezes, the blood rushing to his ears as those words echo over and over in his mind. He turns to Andrew and immediately asks, “Who was that?”

Andrew shrugs. He flicks the butt of his cigarette out towards the empty parking lot and rounds the hood to open the driver’s seat door. Then he slides in without another word. 

And apparently that’s that. Neil doesn’t need to know. It doesn’t matter if there are other guys interested in Andrew. They aren’t a thing. Neil is just something to occupy Andrew’s time while he’s in college, something convenient that can easily be replaced. 

A burden, Neil realizes, thinking back to their conversation after Ichirou’s phone call. Neil is a responsibility that Andrew feels obligated to handle for some reason. A chore to be managed.

It takes him a few tries to swallow back the bile in his throat before he manages to open the car door and drop into the passenger seat. As soon as he shuts the door, the Maserati takes off back towards Fox Tower. And the drive is silent the entire time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha! Psych! Exy what? No but for real, bless Nora's heart for writing all those scenes about a sport she made up because dang- writing those are hard. (For me anyway lol)
> 
> Just one of those chapters where you're like...when something goes wrong, EVERYTHING goes wrong lol. (Like real life, am I right??) And I wanted to give them one last semi-break before we really started heading downwards...but you prob could already tell from that ending where we're going 😉. 
> 
> Phew. Buckle up, y'all. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I love all of the comments you guys keep leaving and wish I could leave kudos on all of them!
> 
> Next Time: 
> 
> “Neil, I…I didn’t…” Nicky tries but shuts up with the cruel twist of Neil’s head. He doesn’t say anything, feels as if crumbled pieces of glass will drip from his mouth if he opens it. The silence is cutting enough. 
> 
> He whips away from the group, stalking over to the bedroom and snatching the laundry basket. Then he heads back towards the suite door. 
> 
> “Wait, Neil, please-”
> 
> Neil doesn’t acknowledge Nicky’s plea, slamming the door open and letting it crash against the wall. He barely misses running Andrew over with the basket as he stalks down the hallway. 
> 
> “What the fuck?” Andrew snaps, spinning on Neil. “What’s your problem, Josten?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleep evades everyone, Aaron and Kevin bro out, and Neil tries to get some laundry done. 
> 
> (*Tries* being the operative word.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: verbal/mental abuse, violence (only during the first scene)

He’s just fallen asleep, dropping into bed after a brutal night practice with Kevin when the bedroom door swings open with a bang. 

“Get up, Abram. Now,” his mother snaps, striding into the room. She pinches him, like she does whenever he isn’t moving fast enough, and he scrambles out of bed immediately. 

“But- I- why?” Neil asks fruitlessly, watching as his mother strides across the room, snatching his duffel bag and throwing it on the bed. 

“We’ve stayed here too long. You know that. We need to go.”

“But…I don’t want to go,” he says in a small voice, flinching when she turns on him. 

“I don’t care what you want. I care about keeping you alive. And the longer you stay here, the less chance there is of that happening.” She opens his drawers and starts grabbing at different garments, flinging others to the floor. “We have a flight out of Greenville in an hour. We’ll transfer to Chicago, hop over to Frankfurt, get a plane to Ethiopia and reach Zanzibar in three days. I have a contact who will take us to a small, remote village in Tanzania where we can stay for a few months.”

“Tanzania?” Neil whispers. “But-”

“Take a last look around, Abram,” his mother warns, “because you’re never going to see Palmetto again.”

Neil’s heart jumps to his throat. 

_Neil._

He stares at Andrew and Kevin, both of whom are still sleeping peacefully in their beds. He tries to imagine never seeing them again. He thinks of missing Wymack’s bark, Nicky’s stupid jokes, and Matt’s affectionate hugs. Of never again interacting with any of the other Foxes. Of never getting to play Exy again. He swallows hard. “I-I can’t,” he stammers. 

His mother stalks over to him and grabs hold of his hair, pulling ruthlessly as she hisses, “And I thought I told you that I don’t give a shit what you want. I’m your mother and I’m the one who’s kept us alive from your father all these years. You want to go back to him? Because I’ll put you on the first flight to Baltimore. You can see if begging for mercy will do anything for you then.”

There’s something wrong about this that Neil can’t quite put his finger on. It’s there at the edge of his mind like an errant string that’s just out of reach. 

He whimpers now, his eyes flicking towards Andrew once more. 

_Neil, wake up._

His mother catches the look and turns towards the bed. “Is this the reason why you’re being so stubborn?” Her eyes open wide as she glares accusingly at Neil. “Have you been sleeping with this boy, Abram?”

Neil’s own eyes pop open, terror rising. “Mom…please…”

“I told you not to touch them!” His mother screeches. “But you never listen, do you, Abram? Disgusting, pathetic boy.” She suddenly has a gun in her hand, and she raises it to point directly at Andrew’s head. “Maybe next time, you will.”

He screams as he watches her pull the trigger, launching himself towards the bed; praying that he makes it before the bullet reaches Andrew; wishing that for once his mother would let him have something good in his life. He screams until his voice is hoarse, his ears echoing with the blast of gunpowder. He screams and screams and-

“NEIL! Neil wake up, wake up, it’s just a dream. You’re safe, your mother and father are dead. Come on, just breathe!”

Andrew is leaning over him, shaking his shoulders, his eyes wide as he stares down at Neil. Kevin stands beside him, hair rumpled and hand on the bedframe as he watches. 

Neil has sweat through his clothes, a fine sheen of perspiration covering his skin as he curls his hands into Andrew’s sleeves, needing to feel him. His throat hurts, which tells him that perhaps the screaming hadn’t been limited to just his dreams. He croaks as he whispers, “Andrew? Andrew are you-”

“I’m fine, Neil,” Andrew says calmly. 

Neil nods but his eyes are still wild, lurching around the room to the door and the windows, to the closet where he knows his duffel bag sits, packed and ready to go. To the floorboard he’d pried up where his binder is stashed. 

Kevin scratches at the back of his neck. “Your mom again?” he asks simply. 

Neil nods. 

Kevin nods too before he yawns, and Neil is instantly filled with guilt. He’s woken them again, for what must be the third time this week.

The dreams have been coming for him non-stop lately. He knows they were probably triggered by the call from Ichirou but knowing the cause doesn’t make them any easier to handle. His mind has been ruthless with him lately, coming up with new and old scenarios alike, each dream more terrifying than the last. 

He curls onto his side, shuddering. For just a second, he thinks he can feel Andrew’s hand hovering near his face, as if he wants to sweep Neil’s curls back and Neil waits, hopeful, aching for the touch. But seconds pass and there’s nothing but air. 

Neil crushes his disappointment ruthlessly. 

Kevin goes back to bed without further comment, leaving the two of them alone. Andrew hesitates. 

Again, Neil waits for him to say something, to snipe and say his mother isn’t worth this time and energy, to encourage him again to go and talk to Bee, to tell him to get in the car and drive him far away from campus until he falls asleep against the window. 

Or maybe…maybe he could crawl in with Neil. Maybe he could wrap his arms around him, stroke his hair, kiss the back of his neck. Maybe he could lace his strong fingers with Neil’s, holding him gently. 

The urge is so strong that Neil actually lifts his hand out from under the sheet to lay it on top. Where Andrew can reach it.

It’s so stupid. He’s so stupid for wanting this when Andrew has already given him so much. His face burns the longer his hand lays there. Neil just wants him to do _something, anything,_ but he doesn’t know what. He just knows he needs Andrew tonight.

But Andrew does nothing. He simply sits on the bed and stares down at his hand lying next to Neil’s. 

And though they’re only inches away, somehow Neil feels like they’re miles apart.

\---

Neil feels like he’s swinging on a pendulum nowadays. 

Sometimes he has moments with Andrew that are so sweet he can taste them on his tongue, can feel the rush for days. His head feels like its floating on air, and he can’t seem to rid himself of the enormous smile on his face, no matter how many times Andrew pokes at it. 

Other days, there are knots twisting and coiling in Neil’s gut. Thoughts that drag him down, somewhere dark and deep where nothing can penetrate. He sinks into the darkness like quicksand, falling faster the more desperately he tries to pull himself out. And the worst part is it can happen in an instant, without warning. Just a tip over the edge and the void swallows him whole.

He’s been on that edge for the past couple of days. There’s an air of uncertainty that’s enveloped him, like a fog that just won’t disperse. He’s second-guessing every decision he makes; double checks every action he takes towards Andrew before he takes it. 

And he feels like Andrew knows. Thinks he can feel the man’s irritation rising. 

He walks back into his dorm room, cursing because he forgot to bring down the load of clothes with him to the basement. Stupid. Andrew would call him an idiot. He’d be right of course. But still. 

How useless will Andrew find him if he can’t even do laundry? 

Nicky, Aaron, and Kevin are snickering by the windowsill, staring down at something. They’re too engrossed with whatever they’re observing to hear him as he pads silently into the room. 

“I knew it!” Nicky crows triumphantly. “I’ve finally got his number down.”

“Bullshit,” Aaron denies. 

“It doesn’t prove anything,” Kevin agrees.

Neil’s mouth forms a half-smirk. Another dumb bet must be taking place. He takes a step or two forward to join them.

“No, I’m telling you, this is how we know Andrew thinks someone’s hot,” Nicky says excitedly.

Neil freezes.

“By him acting like a normal fucking human being instead of stabbing them?” Aaron asks. 

“You’re being ridiculous, Nicky,” Kevin argues. “That guy clearly asked for directions and all Andrew did was point.”

“ _That guy_?” Nicky sputters. “ _That guy?_ That guy, Kevin, was Liam Gallagher. Quarterback of the football team. Majors in biochem. Lives on the sixth floor. Has two sisters and a thing for kettle corn.” He motions to him like Kevin should know.

“Okay,” is Kevin’s reaction. “Stalker. How the hell do you know this shit?”

“Jesus,” Nicky mutters. “Okay, who was the chick standing behind him?”

“Mackenzie Thomas,” Kevin and Aaron echo immediately. 

“Exactly. And she’s…”

“Cheerleading captain,” Aaron pipes in.

“Head of New Student Orientation,” Kevin adds. 

“Nursing major,” Aaron finishes. 

Nicky nods. “Right, and the only reason you know this is because she’s the hottest girl in this dorm.” The guys open their mouths to protest but Nicky holds up a hand. “Okay, then tell me her roommate’s name.” 

Both Kevin and Aaron have at least the decency to blush. 

Nicky continues on. “Liam, on the other hand, is one of the hottest _guys_ here. They’re basically Homecoming King and Queen of Palmetto. If they have that shit in college.”

“And?” Kevin grounds out. “What’s the point of all this, Nicky?”

“And if you think that Andrew’s gay heart isn’t going pitter patter right now while he’s talking to the PSU Homecoming King, hottest boy on campus, then I’ll eat Erik’s left nut.”

“You’ll do that anyway,” Aaron smirks. He and Kevin bump fists. “And I can’t tell what’s grosser- you talking about Erik’s balls or Andrew’s heart making disgusting noises.”

Nicky drags a hand over his face. “Assholes. My point is Andrew didn’t ignore him, he didn’t sneer, he didn’t draw his knives- he actually listened. _And then gave him an answer!_ ”

“Does it count as an answer if your mouth doesn’t move?” Aaron questions.

“Hell yes it does,” Nicky cries, vindication in his tone. “My gaydar is fully functioning now that Andrew’s meds are gone. I just didn’t realize _what_ he was doing _when_ he was doing it with Neil. But now-” and he throws a hand around Aaron’s shoulders, who immediately elbows him- “I got him. That’s his tell. He doesn’t immediately dismiss them!” 

Kevin pauses, hand on his chin as he stares thoughtfully out the window. “You might have a point…”

“Jesus Christ, not you too, Day,” Aaron snaps. 

“…but a hypothesis is proven only after you achieve the same result multiple times,” Kevin finishes.

“Ugh, you nerd,” Nicky scowls. “I’ll definitely prove it. You didn’t see the way he reacted to this kid at the Court the other day-”

“The Court?” Kevin asks. 

“Yeah, after our last game Andrew was talking to some cute guy right in front of Neil. Felt kind of bad for him, honestly.”

The three of them fall silent for a moment.

“I mean…I don’t know for sure," Nicky hesitates, faltering as he makes his way through the sentence. "…but do you think it’s possible that…maybe…maybe Andrew and Neil won’t last?”

“What?” Aaron snaps. 

“Nicky,” Kevin hisses, as if the man has blasphemed. 

“What? He basically told us the other night that he and Neil didn’t have a relationship. He clearly is checking out other guys. And we know he’s been with other men before. Maybe he will be again.”

“Bullshit. I still say he’s just being polite,” Kevin mutters. “Aka what you’re always asking him to be. How does common human decency suddenly equal flirtation?”

“Because it’s Andrew,” Aaron snorts. “He’s never human. Or decent.” 

"But... _Baltimore_ ," Kevin contests, as if the one word is all the explanation anyone needs. And it almost is. 

"Yeah but that was then. This is now. Things happen. Things change," Nicky shrugs. "Poor Neil. He looks at Andrew like he's his whole world. He'll be totally blindsided if Andrew dumps him."

"You can only dump someone if you can admit you're going out with them in the first place," Aaron points out snidely. "Which Andrew won't."

“Whatever, Aaron. Besides, I’m not saying it will happen, I’m just saying there’s a chance that-”

Nicky turns then from the window and sucks in a breath when he sees Neil. His face immediately pales. “Neil,” he says, looking like the word is choking him. 

Kevin and Aaron’s heads whip around at the sound of Neil’s name. 

Neil’s chest feels hot, and there’s a pain emanating from its center that he’s never felt before. It burns but not like one of his scars. It feels more like a forest fire, raging and ravaging everything in its path until only char remains.

Then a hollowness takes its place that leaves him feeling broken. Jagged and sharp but oozing slowly. 

“Neil, I…I didn’t…” Nicky tries but shuts up with the cruel twist of Neil’s head. He doesn’t say anything, feels as if crumbled pieces of glass will drip from his mouth if he opens it. The silence is cutting enough. 

He whips away from the group, stalking over to the bedroom and snatching the full laundry basket. Then he heads back towards the suite door. 

“Wait, Neil, please-”

Neil doesn’t acknowledge Nicky’s plea, slamming the door open and letting it crash against the wall. He barely misses running Andrew over with the basket as he stalks down the hallway. 

“What the fuck?” Andrew snaps, spinning on Neil. “What’s your problem, Josten?”

“Nothing,” Neil snaps back, pausing on the landing to look back at him. He sees Nicky standing hesitantly behind Andrew, his face contorted in misery. “Nothing is wrong at all. I don’t care if you help old ladies cross the street, hold doors open, or give out directions like a good fucking Samaritan-”, Nicky winces, “-do whatever the fuck you want. It has nothing to do with me.”

“Okay.” If Neil knew better, he would say that Andrew looks surprised. But Andrew was never surprised, or any other emotion on the scale, so this was just self-delusion on his part. “Got it. If I have any inclination of becoming a fucking girl scout, I won’t run it by you.”

“Great, let’s never talk about this again,” Neil nods, his tone waspish. He continues down the steps and doesn’t look back. He hears Nicky try and say something again, but there’s a grunt and low whisper that follows it. 

Neil makes it all the way downstairs before realizing that he forgot his key fob that lets him into the laundry room. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Refusing to go all the way back up again, he manages to convince the front desk to let him borrow one.

By the time Neil makes it back to the basement, the elevator doors are opening. Against the elevator’s back wall, Andrew lounges, his arms and legs crossed and his apathetic stare drilling into Neil’s head. 

It pisses Neil off. 

Neil doesn’t speak, ignoring Andrew entirely as he lets himself into the room, slams down the basket, and opens one of the machines. He tosses their clothes in with more force than is necessarily warranted. 

“Is there a reason Nicky’s currently having a meltdown on our floor?” Andrew asks, following him inside and tossing his question innocently into the open cellar. Neil hears it for what it is. 

_Is there a_ good _reason for my cousin crying?_

Neil doesn’t want to deal with this conversation right now though, so he shrugs. 

Andrew jumps up onto the machine next to Neil’s open one and lets his feet dangle. “No ideas, hm? Must be some other Neil that he’s blubbering on about then.” 

_Andrew was talking to some cute guy right in front of Neil. Felt kind of bad for him, honestly._

_He basically told us the other night that he and Neil didn’t have a relationship._

_…maybe Andrew and Neil won’t last._

Poison wells beneath his skin. It boils, hot and simmering, too close to the surface. “Must be.”

“Because we know so many of those.”

“It’s a common enough name. Law of averages says it’s probable he’s met more than one Neil on campus.”

“Ah, but this is apparently a Neil we both know. Who plays on our team?”

“Maybe they do. How would you know? You barely pay attention in practice.”

“Because it’s boring. But this conversation holds my interest. This Neil he apparently wants to apologize to for something that was ‘none of his business’? To ‘beg for forgiveness’ from?” 

Neil shrugs again, before he realizes that he’s been throwing the same clothes into the washer for the fifth time because Andrew keeps taking them out and throwing them back in the basket. He whips around and glares at him.

“Finally,” Andrew deadpans. “Now, what happened?”

“Ask Nicky.”

“Already did. Refuses to talk about it. Says he has to talk to you first,” Andrew rolls his eyes. “I’m figuring you’ll be less dramatic and tell me without releasing a gallon of snot.” He raises an eyebrow. “Or should I grab a tissue?”

Neil fumes. 

He doesn’t want to talk about this. He doesn’t want to discuss the fact that he’s nothing unique, nothing special to Andrew. He doesn’t want to admit how the stars practically fell from the sky when Andrew first kissed him, while it must have barely been a blip on Andrew’s radar. He doesn’t want to talk about how he’s feeling embarrassed and pitied and Andrew wants nothing but is demanding an answer and he _can’t fucking give one_ -

“The fuck if I know,” Neil snaps, his temper flaring. “Funny enough, I don’t always listen to the shit that spews from your cousin’s mouth. Why the fuck do you care anyway?”

Andrew’s eyes narrow. “What crawled up your ass?”

 _You_ , Neil thinks viciously, but he says, “This is the part where you make some comment about an Exy racquet, right? Original. Like I haven’t heard you use it a hundred times on Kevin.” 

“Then stop acting like the arrogant prick he is and feel free to pull it out,” Andrew snaps. 

“Feel free to stop digging for it,” Neil retorts. “Or can’t you keep your hands off my ass long enough?” 

“ _Fuck_ you.”

“Fuck you!”

Neil dumps the last of the laundry in and slams the lid closed. He shoves his hand into his pocket to grab his roll of quarters, just trying to get this done and get the fuck out of there, but he’s so angry that his hand jerks.

Andrew and Neil freeze at the telltale jingle of coins spilling all over the floor. 

They stare at each other for a moment before Neil curses. He kneels down to the ground, all awkward elbows, hands, and knees. He feels clumsy and stupid as Andrew watches him scoop them up, his face flaming as he finally shoves them into the slots. 

When the machine starts, he turns back around, snatches the basket, and heads towards the stairs.

“Neil.”

He pauses before he reaches the first step, decides _fuck it_ , and punches the elevator button. 

“Neil.”

But of course, the stupid thing takes too goddamn long. Maybe he will just take the stairs. 

“Neil, look at me. _Look at me_.”

Neil whips his gaze to the side to meet Andrew’s. “ _What?_ ”

Andrew has drawn closer without him realizing- he’s now only a foot away. He stares into Neil’s eyes, mouth drawn in a firm line. 

Neil’s chest is heaving from the ragged breaths he’s taking, struggling to keep his mouth shut. To keep the vitriol he’s ready to spew inside. His foot taps a non-sensical rhythm on the floor, and he can tell there’s still color in his cheeks. But Andrew is the picture of calm, his face blank and his eyes simply searching. 

Then he steps closer. Neil forces himself not to step back, not to move an inch. Andrew leans in slow, his breath tickling the back of the hairs on Neil’s neck as he whispers into his ear. “Stop running, rabbit.”

Neil’s free hand balls into a fist. He glares at him. “I haven’t moved.”

Andrew takes his finger and pokes the spot between Neil’s eyebrows. “In here,” he says, voice low, his lips only a breath away from Neil’s. They’re pink and look deliciously soft. 

Neil’s heart feels like it stutters to a stop inside his chest. Then it picks up rapidly, speeding along some unknown track. 

“Then tell me to stay,” he whispers back. He drags his gaze up to meet Andrew’s. 

Andrew lifts an eyebrow. “Greedy. I already said it once.”

“Say it again,” Neil begs, needing the reassurance suddenly. Needing to hear Andrew mean it. 

The elevator dings, doors smoothly sliding open. The hazel ring around Andrew’s eyes flare for just a moment as they dip down to Neil’s mouth. Then he backs slowly into the elevator, his eyes steady on Neil’s. “No,” he says simply, before the elevator doors slide shut. 

It’s supposed to be a game, Neil knows. It’s one they’ve been playing for some time now. They push and pull at each other, taunt and tease, letting satisfaction just slip out of the other’s grasp. It’s supposed to be fun.

But right now, it’s not. 

Right now, Neil feels like he can taste the smoke from the wildfire in his chest. It’s burning through his throat and stinging at his eyes. He’s not sure if he’s going to get out of this unscathed. 

Especially since it’s getting hard to breathe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have to admit the last scene in this chapter is one of my favorites because there's just something so quintessentially 'college' about it- the spying on other people outside the dorm, doing laundry in the basement, having a childish/petty couple's fight in a common space (I just picture someone coming down to the basement to do their laundry and noping the fuck out of there as soon as they hear raised voices LOL. Brownie points if it was one of the other Foxes! Ha!)
> 
> We're almost there guys. So close...
> 
> Sorry that I haven't been able to get to some of your comments yet!! I love reading them but it's been a crazy hectic week- you'll be hearing from me soon though! Thanks so much for reading! ❤❤
> 
> Next Time:  
> When they pull into the driveway at the house in Columbia, Andrew snarls to the rest of the group, “Out.” He pins Neil with a look in the rearview mirror. “You, wait.” 
> 
> Kevin gives Neil one backwards glance before he opens the passenger door. Nicky pushes Aaron slightly to get him to move, sliding across the seat and snapping the door shut behind him. Then Neil is alone in the car with Andrew. 
> 
> Neil crosses his arms and refuses to look at him.
> 
> Andrew lets out a breath. Then he opens his door and gets out. Seconds later, Neil’s door is ajar, and Andrew is crouching down so that he’s at Neil’s eye level. “Talk.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lively discussions occur before practice, and then the group heads back to Eden’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. Here we go, guys. See you on the other side. 😣
> 
>   
> Triggers/Warnings: This is a mentally tough one, guys, not gonna lie, so please be careful. There are some brief scenes of violence that you can skip through without losing much of the plot. We’ve also got some homophobic vibes in parts of this chapter, and some depression triggers in the last scene. Literally one brief mention of suicides, but it's the running drills (if you're not familiar with it from sports), not the act- but the word is still in there so just a heads up! Be cautious as always, folks!

It’s not that he avoids riding with the others. It’s just that Neil’s last class of the day ends right before practice, so it makes more sense for him to run straight to the stadium instead of going all the way back to Fox Tower first. He knows it’ll make him a little early, but he doesn’t necessarily find this a bad thing. It allows him to get changed in peace before the others arrive. 

Once in the locker room, he grabs his spare practice clothes and heads into the showers to change in one of the stalls. Halfway through dressing, he hears some loud voices arrive.

“Aw man, shut up. You got no proof.”

“Dude, I’m telling you, I think it’s like a secret amongst the upperclassmen.” 

“What, that Neil and Andrew are together? It’s a fucking joke, man. Come on, the psychotic dwarf and his mob boyfriend? Jesus, have you been visiting the PSU fan page or something?”

It’s Carlos and Dominick, their new goalie and one of the freshmen backliners. Neil has never had much interaction with either of them other than at practice, so it shocks him a little to hear his business being discussed so openly between them. 

“No, I’m serious! I swear I heard Nicky and Aaron talking about it the other day,” Carlos insists. “But then they switched over to German or Dutch or whatever as soon as they caught me listening.”

Neil hears the locker room door swing open again as others enter. It must not be any of the upperclassmen yet though, because the two barely pause in their conversation.

“And I’m telling you that we would have known by now if they were a couple. Have you ever watched the two of them interact? They’re like polar opposites. It’s like watching a honey badger and a leopard face off. They either completely ignore each other or are three seconds away from murdering the other.”

Carlos chokes out a laugh. 

“Besides,” Dominick continues, “can you even imagine Andrew casting big, dopey heart eyes at someone? Or Neil for that matter? Hell, I can’t picture either of them doing it.”

Neil rolls his eyes as he changes out his shirt, hoping the two dumbasses will shut up and move on soon.

“I didn’t say they were in love, asshole. Just that they’re fucking. Probably.”

“Man, I call bullshit. They hate each other. You can just tell.”

“I don’t know, I think there’s something off about ‘em. I mean, they’re roommates, right? So it’s not like they can ignore each other twenty-four seven.”

“Well, I’ll let you ask them,” Dominick laughs. “Or maybe you can try asking Kevin - if you’ve got thick enough skin.”

Carlos groans. “Do you know he told me the other day I wasn’t fit to wipe my face on the same towel Andrew uses? Fucker.”

“It’s Kevin Day, man. You should probably be happy he took the time to insult you.”

“I think he’s in on it. He has to be, right? They’re his roommates too. In fact, I heard Jack say that maybe the three of them are in some kind of kinky relationship together. I mean, he supposedly is with Thea but we never see her-”

Dominick snorts. “Bro, you serious? It’s fucking Jack, man. That guy is literally full of shit at all times.”

“Where is he anyway?”

“Ah, dumbshit is in trouble with one of his professors. That’s why Wymack’s missing out on practice today. He’s making Jack prostrate himself so he can play in next week’s game.”

“Fucking idiot,” Carlos scoffs. “Still, he says that’s why Andrew gets away with whatever he wants. Because he’s fucking Neil.”

Dominick barks out a laugh. “Right. Or maybe he’s sucking his dick. I did hear a rumor that Andrew is kind of a slut. They say there’s this bar in Columbia where he gives blowjobs to guys in the back alley, so maybe he-”

“Oh Jesus Christ, will the two of you shut the fuck up?” Brian’s voice pops up. 

He’s a sophomore backliner and has been a solid investment for the team. He’s also the one whose eyebrow had to be stitched up by Neil the other night, after his altercation with Jack. The kid seems to have a good heart, if he could just keep his temper in check. In fact, every time he opens his mouth it seems like Neil has to clean up after some goddamn mess he-

Neil immediately cuts off his train of thought. The irony of his statement does not escape him. 

Wymack probably calls it karma.

“First off, who the fuck cares whether the two of them are together or are seeing other people?” Brian continues. “Secondly, why the hell are you slut-shaming Andrew? Are we gonna run through the list of nasty people you’ve hooked up with and where?”

“Didn’t know it bothered you so much,” Dominick sneers back, though Neil can hear a small wobble in his tone, as if he’s embarrassed. “Accusations a little too close for comfort, Bri? You doing some kneeling in a back alley yourself?”

“If it’s kneeling over your corpse, that can be arranged,” Brian snarls. 

“Whoa, break it up, guys! Shit.” Neil recognizes the voice of Rob intervening. He’s their offensive dealer and a sophomore who’s usually pretty laidback. “Let’s just drop it, okay? Besides, you guys weren’t here last year when the twins went through their trial. There was…there was some fucked up shit that happened. And everyone knows the hell Neil went through. So just…leave ‘em both alone, all right?”

“Look, I’m just saying that Jack might be right. There might be some favoritism going on if Neil’s getting it up the ass every night from Andrew,” Carlos argues back, relentless. “If so, then Neil is a sucker. Andrew clearly doesn’t give a shit. He probably has three other guys on the side right now, besides Neil.”

“Oh wow, dude, that’s harsh. I don’t think-” Rob tries to interrupt him, but Carlos continues. 

“Come on, you know it’s true. Neil’s so fucking dense. If they’re doing it, then Andrew’s using him. You just wait, I bet he drops Neil like a hot potato after college.” 

“I don’t know, if they are together then maybe it’s Neil who’s using Andrew,” Dominick wonders. “Maybe Andrew’s stuck with him and can’t do anything about it ‘cause Neil’s captain and Andrew can’t mess with his scholarship.”

“Well…Sheena did say that Andrew’s the only reason why Nicky and Aaron are on the team,” Carlos admits, completely switching gears. “Like if it weren’t for him, they wouldn’t be able to go to college at all or something?”

Dominick laughs. “Oh shit, man! Then that means Andrew would be screwing them all over if he _doesn’t_ screw Neil! Like, literally!”

Brian makes a disgusted noise. “Dude, not funny.”

“Yeah, I don’t know…Neil doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to hold something like that over someone’s head,” Rob disagrees.

“How would you know? He spent his entire freshman year lying to the whole team and getting away with it,” Carlos counters. “He lied straight to Wymack’s face and Coach bought the whole thing. And everyone knows how bat-shit crazy Minyard can be. Why wouldn’t Coach believe Neil if he said something about Andrew?”

Dominick whistles low. “Damn, Josten would have Andrew by the balls, man. Dude might be straight-up trapped. Poor fucker.” 

“Oh, for the love of Christ-” Brian cuts in, clearly aggravated. “Shut the fuck up, both of you! Dom, quit talking out of your ass, you don’t know shit. And just because you can’t catch an Exy ball to save your life compared to Andrew, Carlos, doesn’t mean you get to talk shit about him or Neil.”

“Fuck you! You take that back!”

“Or what, motherfucker?”

“Hey, wait guys- stop-”

There’s some grunts and scuffling that quickly indicate the locker room has become a battlefield. 

Cursing loudly, Neil finishes putting on his guards, then walks out to the locker room, right into the middle of the fight. Almost immediately, he catches an uppercut from Dominick that has his nose spurting blood all over his shirt. 

“Oh shit! Cap? Fuck, sorry, I-” Dominick starts but is quickly cut off by Neil’s elbow to his solar plexus. 

More annoyed than in pain, Neil rolls up his sleeves mentally and gets to work. It takes him a couple of minutes but with a few swift moves, he’s got all four guys kneeling on the ground in various degrees of pain. 

They groan, looking up at him with wide eyes. He watches Carlos swallow hard in particular. Color blooms on their faces.

Good. They should be ashamed.

Neil swipes away the blood still dripping from his nose with his shirt, likely making the situation worse. 

“Fuck, Cap,” Rob whispers. “You okay? That looks like it hurts.”

But Neil shoots him a glare that shuts him up instantly.

Only then does Neil realize how pissed he is. How his fists are shaking, and his breathing is off. He takes a second to collect himself, because he’s not sure yet what’s going to come out of his mouth. 

It’s at this moment that the locker room door swings open. Matt bursts through the doorway, laughing at someone behind him before he notices them. His eyes bug out and his mouth drops open as he stares at Neil. “Holy shit, Neil, are you okay?”

He pauses, blocking the door which causes Nicky and Aaron to run into him. 

“Matt, what the hell-” Nicky starts before he too, gets a glimpse at Neil. “Oh my god, Neil, what happened?”

Neil ignores them. He scowls down at the four boys, demanding their full attention. “Listen closely, assholes. I don’t know what the fuck Andrew and my personal lives have to do with playing Exy, nor do I give a shit what you think about me, but if I ever hear you running your mouths about Andrew again, I will shut you up permanently and I will make sure it hurts. You get me?”

All of them nod their heads immediately. 

“Cap, I’m so sorry, I didn’t-” Dominick starts.

“I don’t want to hear it, Pisano. Now shut the fuck up and listen. If I hear one more word from any of you today, you’re doing suicides for the rest of practice. Without breaks. Got it?”

A round of nodding again in the silent locker room. Neil goes to turn away from the group when he hears one of them clear their throat.

“Neil, look…we didn’t mean…we’re sorry we said that shit, okay?” Carlos says haltingly. “But…come on Cap, you can’t be that blind, right? If…if you guys are like that…I mean, it’s Andrew. We all know what he’s like. Get what I’m saying?”

Neil watches Nicky jump back when he turns around, and he knows there’s murder in his eyes as he stares down the goalie. “What about shutting the fuck up, Sanchez, was I not clear about?”

Carlos swallows. “Nothing, Cap, I just-”

“Regardless of what Andrew and I are or are not, I know exactly who Andrew is. What’s clear is that you don’t know who I am.” He smiles and watches Carlos’s face drain of color. “And if you think Andrew’s bad, then you really don’t want to know what I’m capable of. You have yet to see the worst of me.” He tilts his head. “Want me to show you?”

Neil stares at him until Carlos breaks eye contact, casting his gaze uneasily towards the wall. Neil turns his glare on the rest of them. “Get your asses dressed and on the Court. _Now_.”

It’s a dismissal and they know it. 

They scramble as Neil turns away from them, going over to his locker to grab his racquet before moving towards the door. 

“Um, Neil, I really think you should get that looked at-” Nicky starts to say but Neil cuts him off in seconds. 

“If I want your opinion, Hemmick, I’ll ask for it,” he snaps. “I’m not in the mood to hear your tongue flapping today. I said get changed and get your ass out on the court.”

“Jesus, what the hell is your problem, Josten-” Aaron starts now, but again, Neil shuts him down in seconds.

“Anyone else wants to talk back, you’ll find yourself in the same situation as those dumbfucks. Got it?”

The locker room is silent. 

_Good_ , Neil thinks again, the heat in his blood singing under his skin. He feels vindicated as the others avoid eye contact with him. They quickly start to get changed. 

Adrenaline is still pumping through him though. It makes him tense, makes his hands itch and his legs feel as if they’re ready to bolt. It’s an old fight or flight instinct that he’s having trouble ignoring. That small scuffle wasn’t nearly enough to curb the bloodthirst that has suddenly spiked within him. The overwhelming anger and rage that is still sitting there, just under his skin.

It both scares him and weirdly energizes him, this need for violence. He's trying to ignore it when the subject of the entire spectacle suddenly appears before him. 

Andrew walks into the locker room and stops as soon as he sees Neil. He takes one look at Neil’s nose and the blood on his chest before his eyes turn cold. “Who?”

But Neil only shakes his head, stepping to the side and walking out the door. 

He marches through the tunnel that leads to the Court doors, the voices of his teammates still echoing in his head.

_Neil is a sucker. Andrew clearly doesn’t give a shit._

_You can’t be that blind, right?_

_He probably has three other guys on the side right now, besides Neil_.

_Neil’s so fucking dense. If they’re doing it, then Andrew’s using him._

What the fuck do they know? What right do they have to speculate on anything between him and Andrew? Why does everyone always assume he doesn’t know what he’s doing? 

Why does everyone call _him_ the fool?

Fuck. Is he one?

_Maybe it’s Neil who’s using Andrew. Maybe Andrew’s stuck with him._

_Andrew would be screwing all three of them over if he doesn’t screw Neil!_

_Josten would have Andrew by the balls, man. Dude might be straight-up trapped_.

Is that true? Does Neil have some kind of weird hold over Andrew because of his position? Does Andrew feel trapped? Does he secretly want out of whatever it is they’re doing? 

God, he’s so tired of this. So tired of thinking, and wondering, and not knowing-

“Hey Cap!” Jess calls out to him as he approaches the other girls who are already on the court. “Whoa, what happened to your face? Are you all right-”

“What are you sitting around for?” Neil asks curtly. “Start getting the team warmed up. Now.”

Her face falls. He ignores it. “Oh…okay, Cap. Got it.”

Without another word, the group gets up and begins jogging around the court. As the guys trickle out of the locker room, they slowly fall in behind them. 

Neil stares at them from the middle of the court, his arms crossed, and his mouth drawn in a firm line. 

His mind feels like a whirlpool, black thoughts spinning and circling until everything is jumbled and only one thing remains clear. 

There’s going to be hell to pay on this Court today. 

\---

Neil is in a downward spiral. A veritable tailspin. The water is coming up at him, hard and fast, and he knows the crash will be devastating. 

Ever since that practice, Neil’s been in a permanent state of pissed. His treatment of the team is brusque and savage. He rides Carlos and Dominick particularly hard, muttering obscenities in other languages under his breath whenever they do anything that ticks him off, which is often.

Meanwhile his conversations with Andrew grow less and less.

They’re not avoiding one another per se, but their word count seems to drop with each passing day. Their silences have shifted from peaceful to strained. There’s a fragileness to them now that makes Neil uneasy, fills him with the urge to shift and move. So he does.

He spends hours trying to run this black mood off, to find some relief from it, but it won’t leave him alone. It suffocates him. And he doesn’t know what to do about it.

He knows he’s a pain to be around right now. He can see it reflected in the people surrounding him. While Kevin tries to avoid the entire situation, seemingly at a loss of how best to handle Neil, Aaron has become more combative. They take deeper digs at each other, locking horns figuratively again and again. But as infuriating as the other twin is, it’s Nicky who seems to be taking the full brunt of Neil’s ire. 

Nicky has been walking on eggshells around Neil, which makes sense since Neil is ignoring him. It’s confusing to the entire team because usually Neil is quick to forgive, opting to forego any drama rather than drag it out. But this time around he’s obstinate. 

Although Nicky has approached him several times, Neil refuses to talk about the conversation in the dorm. And if he really thinks about it, he knows this is unfair to the man. 

Because he can’t tell if he’s mad at Nicky, Andrew, or himself for being disillusioned about all of this to begin with. 

Now they’re back at Eden’s, and while the others drink and dance, Neil sits back and questions everything he’s ever felt between Andrew and himself. 

His morose attitude throws the group’s entire dynamic off. Their car ride to Columbia was torturous, full of awkward silences and stuttered conversation. They don’t know what to do with him.

Of course, it doesn’t help that Andrew has also gone noticeably silent, steering clear of Neil and everyone else. Neil knows he must be to blame for this as well, knows that he probably should have just stayed home tonight instead of making everyone else miserable. 

He’s always been a stubborn ass though. 

At the table, they play what would have been a hilarious game of musical chairs if Neil was in any other mood. After some shuffling, Kevin sits between Andrew and Neil, while Aaron separates Neil from Nicky. It doesn’t take a genius to see what the common denominator is, but Neil has always been good at math anyway. 

Now he sits back in the corner of the booth, doing his best to blend in with the shadows. His eyes are on his hands which are flat on the table. He doesn’t bother joining in the conversation. His inner monologue is more than enough to keep him occupied. 

Andrew told Neil to stay once. But did he do it just for Neil’s sake? Had Neil put him in the position where he felt he couldn’t say no? Does Andrew truly feel trapped? 

The implication is horrifying. It sickens Neil, nearly making his throat close at the thought. 

Or is Neil instead this terrible burden that Andrew somehow thinks he must carry? 

If Andrew had only started their “this” because he previously thought Neil was attractive, it would have made sense if he’d backed off after Baltimore. Had he felt guilty somehow when Neil came back a scarred mess? Did Neil make him feel that way? He’d released Andrew purposefully from their deal before then, not wanting Andrew to face any sort of consequence for what inevitably would happen to him. But maybe he hadn’t made it clear that he was no longer Andrew’s responsibility. 

Plus, Andrew is healing. He sees Bee regularly, and Neil’s been told you have to want it in order for therapy to work. He would never fully be “cured” of his trauma, but he was making huge strides. Neil could see it in the way Andrew carries himself, the confidence in which he asks Neil for things at times. How he handles the short fuses of Aaron’s and Kevin’s tempers, the patience he exudes with Nicky. Neil has no doubts that if Andrew were to find someone else, he could and should have a normal relationship. A healthy one. 

Neil curls his hands into fists on the table. 

Andrew shouldn’t have to be tied to Neil if that isn’t what he wants. 

_“Stop thinking so loud_ ,” Andrew snaps at him in curt Russian. The table goes silent.

Neil blinks as Andrew slides a glass of whiskey across to him. He motions upwards with two fingers. _Bottoms up._

Neil inspects the glass for a second before inwardly shrugging. He shoots the whole thing straight. 

Andrew frowns.

“Damn Neil,” Nicky whistles. His tone is full of false bravado. “Welcome to the party! Get your boy another glass, Andrew!”

Kevin’s eyes weave between the two of them for a moment. Then he waves his own empty glass in the air.

Andrew grabs it from him before scowling. He snags the empty tray and leaves the table. Once he’s gone, Aaron stands up and does the same. Nicky and Kevin stay which means there’s only one place Aaron is going. Neil follows. 

He doesn’t know why he does it. He thinks it’s a bad idea even before he approaches Aaron. There’s nothing in their recent or past history that should make him think this will work. But he’s hoping a few drinks will have loosened the other man’s tongue; made him more tolerable for a conversation. 

Because unfortunately, Aaron is his last resort.

Neil pushes open the men’s room door and follows him inside. Miraculously, the place is empty except for Aaron at one of the urinals. Neil walks right over to him, making Aaron jump. “Jesus, Josten! What the hell is wrong with you? Give a guy some privacy.” 

Neil can’t help himself. “Scared I’ll compare your dick to your brother’s?”

“Fuck off,” Aaron snaps. He finishes up and turns away from Neil to do his fly. “What the hell do you want?”

Neil scuffs his shoe on the bathroom floor, his hands going to his back pockets. “Do you and your-” He winces and tries again. “Does Andrew ever-” He halts and blows out a breath. This is harder than he thought.

“Spit it out, Josten,” Aaron scoffs by the sink. 

“Has Andrew ever told you why we’re together?” Neil blurts out, his words rushed together. 

“I assumed it was for the sex.”

Neil steps back, surprised by Aaron’s bluntness. “No, that’s not what I meant. Like more of, umm…anything about me?”

Aaron looks unimpressed. “Like what he sees in you?” Neil nods. “Why the fuck would he tell me that?”

Neil steels himself. “I thought he might have said something when you broke your deal.”

And of course, this is the wrong thing to say. 

“When _I_ broke the deal?” Aaron whips back. “You mean when I figured out that Andrew was just as guilty as me for breaking our terms, and I told him so, and he didn’t like it? When he stormed into a public library to threaten my girlfriend to show his ‘acceptance’ of the situation? But then turned around and told me to ‘get over’ his ‘nothing’ with you? And, just so I have this straight, you want to know what he may have said during a private therapy session that’s confidential? Is that what you’re asking about, Neil?”

It’s not. Neil would never intrude on Andrew’s sessions with Bee. But he’s not sure why he ever thought Andrew may have confided something about him to his brother. Apparently, he’s a fucking moron on top of being desperate. How pathetic. 

Neil rolls his eyes at the ceiling and throws his hands up. “I don’t know why I bothered.” He goes to move past Aaron, but the twin throws his arm out to stop him. 

“I agree for once,” Aaron returns. “I could give two flying fucks about what my brother thinks of you. In fact, I wish he wouldn’t think of you at all. He could be dating literally anyone else and it would be better.”

“Oh, so I’m the problem,” Neil counters, arms crossing. “Not the fact that your brother is gay, and you’re a secret homophobe. Or maybe it’s not so secret, the way garbage spills from your mouth whenever Nicky says anything.”

“I’m not a homophobe,” Aaron grits through his teeth. “I just fucking hate you.”

“So does your brother,” Neil quips. 

“Clearly not enough,” Aaron snaps back. “You’re secretive, problematic, mouthy, and a liar. You literally have the fucking mob on your ass. You’re way more trouble than you’re worth.”

“I could say the same of you,” Neil mocks. 

“But I’m his brother,” Aaron smiles now, and its smug. “We’re bound by blood. He doesn’t have a choice in our relation. You on the other hand-,” and he looks Neil up and down once to make his point. “-he could discard without a second thought.”

Neil feels this hit like a blow to his stomach. “Fuck you,” he says furiously but it comes out winded and pathetic. He’s suddenly trying to suck in air as Aaron steps forward to rub salt in the wound. 

“I saw the way you acted when that guy helped Andrew here last time. And the other day at the dorm, and at the Court. You jealous fuck. Scared that he’s going to drop you tomorrow? Good. You should be,” Aaron smirks. “One day Andrew’s going to realize he doesn’t want to put up with your shit anymore. And I’ll be there to see it.” 

He hits the nail on the head. It’s the exact thing that Neil’s been worrying about for weeks now, and it disgusts him that Aaron can see it so plainly. That he could tell, almost from the beginning, how much it affected Neil. Though he’s still angry at himself, he feels a sick twist of rage burning in his chest at the other man. For never being supportive, for making him fight tooth and nail for this every step of the way. 

A craving for violence pulls at him, but he won’t strike Aaron for Andrew’s sake. 

When Neil doesn’t respond fast enough, Aaron scoffs and brushes past Neil, purposefully knocking into his shoulder on the way. Neil considers the self-satisfied look on the twin’s face. 

Then again, Andrew had only said that Neil couldn’t strike first- not that he couldn’t retaliate. 

Neil laughs now, and the sound is chilling. It’s his father’s laugh. It echoes off the tiled walls as he grins at Aaron suddenly. And the words he says next are cruel, purposefully so. 

“Well, at least I’ll have fun while it lasts. I mean, it’s really Andrew who will suffer, being saddled with an insecure asshole like you for the rest of his life. Tell me, has Katelyn figured out what a mess you are? No worries, we still have another year yet before you graduate. Maybe by then she’ll realize she’s just a poor replacement for your deadbeat mo-.”

Aaron slugs him. Permission granted.

It catches Neil in the left temple so that he’s knocked backwards before Aaron tackles him. He’s backed against one of the urinals, and the two of them are twisting, wrestling one another before he catches Aaron in the stomach using his knee. Aaron uses his head to ram into the underside of Neil’s jaw. 

Neil tastes blood on his tongue.

He swears, stumbling backwards into the sink. But he ducks another of Aaron’s swings so that Aaron’s blow catches the mirror full on. The glass slices Aaron’s knuckles, but he doesn’t seem to register it. He lunges after Neil who dodges him again before dipping his head low and charging at Aaron. They both tumble to the ground and begin to roll. Aaron has his hands around Neil’s throat, while Neil elbows him again and again in the side. 

Suddenly the two of them are ripped apart. 

“Knock it off right now, assholes,” a deep, booming voice tells them. It’s one of Eden’s security guards. Clearly someone had come into the bathroom and seen the two of them fighting. “You’re done partying for the night.” 

They’re manhandled out of the bathroom and into the club. Neil can see the moment Andrew catches sight of them. In seconds he’s snapping his fingers at Nicky and Kevin, standing up and making his way towards the front door. Nicky gapes at the scene, while Kevin just follows along silently. 

Aaron and Neil are shoved out the door with little fanfare. Aaron leans against the wall as they wait, flexing his injured hand gingerly. Neil stays a good distance away, leaning forward on his knees to spit blood on the sidewalk. 

When Andrew exits the club with Kevin and Nicky in tow, he doesn’t pause to address Neil or Aaron. He just keeps walking to where the car is parked. Aaron pushes off the wall with a huff. Neil follows. 

When they reach the car, Andrew takes out his keys before whipping around to address the group.

“Kevin, get up here,” Andrew snaps. Pleased, Kevin heads towards the passenger door. He points at Neil and Aaron. “The two of you in the back.” Neil can tell this punishment is for him, that Andrew is pissed. 

“And Nicky-,” Andrew turns a stern eye on his cousin, his voice a deadly whisper, “-don’t let any blood get on my car.”

Nicky swallows as he eyes both Neil and Aaron.

When they’re all seated, Andrew roars out into traffic, the Maserati jerking forward and whipping around turns as it takes the brunt of his irritation. Nicky slides back and forth between Aaron and Neil, getting thrown against them with each childish whip around the corner. 

But despite Nicky’s fears, the car is silent on the way back. Neil is happy to ignore everyone in it, looking out the window and prodding tenderly at the skin swelling above his eye. 

For once, he wonders if he can ever have a normal conversation with Aaron without getting bruised. 

When they pull into the driveway at the house in Columbia, Andrew snarls to the rest of the group, “Out.” He pins Neil with a look in the rearview mirror. “You, wait.”

Kevin gives Neil one backwards glance before he opens the passenger door. Nicky pushes Aaron slightly to get him to move, sliding across the seat and snapping the door shut behind him. Then Neil is alone in the car with Andrew. 

Neil crosses his arms and refuses to look at him.

Andrew lets out a breath. Then he opens his door and gets out. Seconds later, Neil’s door is ajar, and Andrew is crouching down so that he’s at Neil’s eye level. “Talk.”

“I’m fine.”

“Didn’t ask. I said talk.”

“About what?” Neil snaps. 

“About whatever the hell is wrong with you,” Andrew returns. 

Neil laughs but it’s a shallow and ugly sound. “How long have you got?”

Andrew scoffs and stands up, walking away from the car. “I’ve no interest in your self-pity.”

“Oh?” Neil asks, getting out of the car and following him. “Then what are you interested in?”

“Cigarettes. Mocking Kevin. The eventual fall of the human race.”

“I meant what are you interested in about me.”

And now Andrew turns back towards Neil. He considers him a moment, before pulling a cigarette out and lighting it, taking a long drag. Then he falls into their normal game. “Nothing about you remotely interests me. You’re a junkie, a liar, and a rabbit.”

But tonight, Neil doesn’t want to play. “Why do you put up with me then?”

“Because you’re marginally less boring than the others,” Andrew drawls. 

Neil nods. “So is there anyone else who interests you instead?”

Now Andrew freezes, cigarette halfway up to his lips. Neil can see the wheels in his mind turning, see him furiously connecting the dots much faster than Neil ever could. When he catches up, his face is smoothed into a blank mask. But his eyes burn. 

“What, are you threatened by those guys?” The barb is delivered smoothly, like a dagger between the ribs. “Is this your petty way of wanting to keep me? Jealousy doesn’t suit you.” He blows smoke towards Neil. 

And now Neil is panicking internally because are they already at the point where he has to? And he didn’t know? Is he selfishly trying to hold on to Andrew when he has already let go? Was he that oblivious?

“You will not make me apologize for who I am. You knew this from the beginning.”

“I would never ask you to.”

“Prove it,” Andrew nails him with a glare. “Stop acting like a hypocrite.”

Neil casts his eyes to the side and tries to breathe normally. He doesn’t know why it’s suddenly so hard to do so.

Andrew tries again. “No one asked for a martyr. Do not twist the truth to satisfy your issues.”

“You don’t have to deal with them,” Neil replies. 

“Is this why Nicky and Kevin have come crying to me?” Andrew asks suddenly. “Because you’ve some misguided notion of what’s best for me?”

Reminding himself to be pissed at Kevin and Nicky later for interfering, Neil shakes his head. “More like a misplaced sense of guilt.”

“Yours or mine?”

“Yours.”

Andrew’s eyes dig into his. “Explain.”

Neil’s jaw tenses. “You don’t owe me anything, Andrew. Back then…none of it was your fault-”

“I know that,” Andrew snaps. 

“So if- if you feel sorry for me, then don’t-”

“I feel nothing,” Andrew retorts. His brows are drawn together as if he’s confused.

“We’re…not the same. You have a choice,” Neil continues, trying to explain. “I’m not…this doesn’t have to be it for you.”

“There is no ‘this’.”

“Right,” Neil nods. “Exactly. I get it now.”

Andrew whips his still-smoking cigarette to the ground in agitation. “Do you?”

“Can’t stop what never started, right?” Neil’s mouth tilts up at the corners, mocking himself.

“What are you saying?”

“This isn’t about me. It’s about you.” 

“What. About. Me.” Andrew grits through his teeth.

“You said it was okay, but it’s not. It can’t be.”

Andrew’s body goes rigid. “You have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“I didn’t ask-”

“Fuck off and listen to what I’m saying to you,” Andrew growls, stepping up into Neil’s space. He grabs Neil’s chin and forces him to meet his gaze. “You don’t get to decide for me.”

“I don’t,” Neil agrees. “And I won’t.” 

“I told you to stay,” Andrew snarls, the words sounding as if they’re being ripped from his throat. 

“Yes,” Neil says, and his heart is breaking. He can barely get the words out, has to force them off his tongue because he has to say this. He has to know. It isn’t fair to Andrew otherwise. “But I never asked you the same.”

_Do you want to stay with me?_

Andrew just stares at him, his mouth open. His chest is heaving, his breath coming out in pants. He drops his hand from Neil’s face as if stung. But he stays silent. 

“Andrew?” Neil whispers. “Yes or no?”

Andrew glares at Neil fiercely. His hands form fists at his sides. He twists his mouth into a cruel sneer. The rage he’s emitting is almost palpable, coming off him in waves. And then it’s gone, a black hole where all that energy once stood. Andrew whips towards the house, opens the door, and slams it behind him. 

Neil falls to his knees on the paved driveway. He wraps his arms around his stomach and digs his nails into his sides. But it does nothing to stop the hitch in his breath. The erratic shake of his chest. And then he sees the first tear fall.

For the first time since Neil came to Palmetto, he cries. Because while Andrew didn’t say no, he didn’t say yes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof. ooooooooffffffff. Ouch, everyone's hurting in this one and lots of poor decisions were made. 😔🤕😟😭🩹
> 
> Phew. Okay everyone, deep breath with me- this chapter was the worst. Time for the healing to begin. (And I think y'all deserve it after hanging in so long!) 
> 
> I did my absolute best to channel Neil/Andrew in this one, and the amazing way they speak to one another in the books, so I hope I did a passable job at recreating! It's a fight that's been a loooonngggg time coming. Now that things are (somewhat) out in the open, we can start the rocky road to rebuilding. (And we ARE gonna rebuild y'all- I said this isn't a break-up fic and I meant it! #andreilforever)
> 
> These last chapters have definitely been the toughest, so thanks so much for sticking with it, you guys! I so appreciate all of your comments and I know these can be very hard mentally (esp combined w/ how tough this year has been)- so make sure you read safely and know that things will be okay! Sending positive vibes to all of you awesome people! ❤❤❤ 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and see you next chapter!
> 
> Next Time: 
> 
> Neil shrugs, not meeting Nicky’s eyes. 
> 
> “No, Neil, stop it, right now. That’s bullshit. There’s no way-” But he pauses again, his head cocking to the side. “Do you hear something?” 
> 
> Neil sits up and tilts his head to listen. 
> 
> There are loud noises coming from outside of the lounge, near the parking lot. The angry shouts are muffled by the door. Neil furrows his brow, striding fast and purposeful towards it. He’s not putting up with any bullshit from the freshmen tonight. In fact, an excuse for violence would be welcome. 
> 
> When he pulls the door open, he catches the very end of a heated sentence. 
> 
> “-the one I want, so fuck your opinion and whatever else anyone thinks I deserve!” 
> 
> And Neil freezes.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Neil have a chat, Neil gets dragged to a college party, and then Neil gets advice from someone he wasn’t expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone very wise once said "Recovery isn't a straight line." Despite my deep googling, I still don't know who they are, but it's the name of the game for this chapter. Come yo-yo with me while Neil tries to figure some stuff out :)

Neil ducks his head under the steady stream of warm water and sighs. The noise echoes in the shower stall. 

Perhaps he should just stay there and let it drown him.

But Matt is waiting for him. Matt, who’d told Nicky and Aaron to hitch a ride with Andrew without question when Neil asked if they could talk. Matt, who thinks he’s doing Neil a favor, giving him a ride back to Fox Tower when Neil hasn’t been sleeping there. Matt, who thinks Neil can do no wrong and whatever is happening is all Andrew’s fault, when the reality is he couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Neil is the asshole here. That much he knows. But for what, he’s no longer exactly sure. 

He’s spent a long time thinking about it. How Andrew had been angry; enraged even, by Andrew’s standards. But after running through their conversation after Eden’s over and over in his mind, Neil also caught slivers of betrayal, confusion, and maybe even hurt. 

And Neil doesn’t know what to do with that. He had never wanted to hurt Andrew, would have died before letting someone else do so. But now it’s happened, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

All he does know is that he doesn’t deserve to see Andrew right now. Not until he can clearly understand what Andrew wants. Not until Andrew gives him an answer.

He’s getting shitty sleep, crashing on campus benches until he knows Kevin’s night practices are finished. Then he heads over to the stadium and sleeps on the lounge couch until morning. 

He likes to imagine that Andrew’s posture relaxes just a bit when he sees Neil walk into the gym each day, but this is probably wishful thinking. 

He’s memorized Kevin’s and Andrew’s schedules, so it’s easy to sneak into the dorms when they’re not there. Grabbing a duffel bag and filling it with a week’s worth of clothes almost feels like falling into bad habits, like he’s going to take off any day now. It puts him on edge.

His phone is a dead brick at the bottom of his bag. 

With another sigh, Neil turns the water off and grabs the towel that he’s flung haphazardly over the stall door. He dries himself off mechanically. Then he walks out into the empty locker room to get changed. 

Afternoon practice was a blur. He felt himself go through the motions, barely listening to the words he said as he led the team in drill after drill, scrimmage after scrimmage. 

Now he pulls on clothes, motivated only by the fact that he doesn’t want to keep Matt waiting, though he knows Matt will. 

He tries not to think about how he hasn’t ridden inside the Maserati for days now. 

Neil stops and places one hand on the locker beside him. Andrew’s locker. He needs some kind of connection between the two of them still, even if it’s something this small and pathetic. Just for a moment.

Then he shakes himself off, snapping his own locker shut and pulling his duffel bag strap over his shoulder. He navigates between the benches and pulls open the locker room door to step into the lounge. 

And sees Nicky there, waiting for him. 

Neil pauses with his hand still on the door and wonders again if the better option is just to drown himself. 

“Neil, you don’t have to talk to me, just listen,” Nicky stands up, holding his hands out in front of him. He looks miserable, his eyes downcast and his shoulders hunched. “I’m worried about you. Well, you and Andrew. What I said was stupid and thoughtless; I have no idea what’s going on between the two of you, and it’s none of my business anyway. So I don’t know if I caused this, but if I did, then you have to know that I’m sorry and I would never want anything I said to come between the two of you, it’s just that I love you both so much and I’d kill myself before being the cause of you two fighting-”

“Nicky,” Neil says, throwing up a hand to stop the vomiting of words coming from the other man’s mouth. “It’s fine. I forgive you.”

Nicky’s mouth drops open. 

Neil sighs. He walks over to the couch and drops himself into the corner of it as the man still stands there stunned. The fight is gone from him now. “It has nothing to do with you anyway. This is all my fault.”

Nicky frowns now and approaches the couch warily. “Your fault?” He sits down next to Neil. “Why would you think that?”

“Because I said some things that made Andrew angry.”

“Everything makes Andrew angry,” Nicky says dryly. “I think me breathing makes Andrew want to stab me sometimes.”

Neil lifts an eyebrow. “Really? And here I thought you were the sole reason why he kicked four guys’ asses and suffered through three years of court-appointed drugs. My mistake.”

“Ah, okay, okay,” Nicky scratches the back of his neck and gives him a rueful smile. “All I’m saying is it was bound to happen eventually. You can’t be perfect, twenty-four seven, Neil. No matter how much the two of you act like soulmates.” 

Neil scoffs at this before dragging a hand over his face. “Soulmates. Ha. Right. I’m nothing to him, Nicky.” Nicky immediately squawks but Neil shakes his head. “And I’m not sure I even deserve that.”

“I mean fine, maybe ‘soulmates’ is going a bit overboard, but you guys won’t let me call you boyfriends or partners or even friends so I don’t really have a lot to work with-” He stops suddenly as Neil’s last sentence registers. “Wait, did you just basically say you think you’re not good enough for Andrew?”

Neil shrugs, not meeting Nicky’s eyes. 

“No, Neil, stop it, right now. That’s bullshit. There’s no way-” But he pauses again, his head cocking to the side. “Do you hear something?”

Neil sits up and tilts his head to listen. 

There are loud noises coming from outside of the lounge, near the parking lot. The angry shouts are muffled by the door. Neil furrows his brow, striding fast and purposeful towards it. He’s not putting up with any bullshit from the freshmen tonight. In fact, an excuse for violence would be welcome. 

When he pulls the door open, he catches the very end of a heated sentence. 

“-the one I want, so fuck your opinion and whatever else anyone thinks I deserve!”

And Neil freezes. 

Because that voice sounds like Andrew, but he’s practically shouting. Neil has never heard such emotion from him. 

Turning the corner slowly, Neil can see the Foxes gathered there but they face away from him towards the parking lot. The underclassmen form a crowd of eager witnesses, and Neil can feel the hum of fear and excitement threaded through them at the moment. 

His next point of interest is Matt, standing a little further ahead of the team. He’s got both hands up, as if trying to calm a small animal. His gaze is worried but alert. He’s closer to wherever the eye of the storm is. 

And as Neil follows Matt’s gaze he finds it. The Minyard twins. 

Of course, damn it. 

The two brothers are like dogs circling, their hackles raised and teeth snarling. They’re both breathing heavily, as if they’ve been running. But Neil doesn’t see Andrew’s knives out yet which is a good thing.

Whatever had been said was heavy though. He can feel the tension in the air like a loaded weight. Clearly, everyone is waiting for a reaction. 

Behind him, he hears Nicky’s quick indrawn breath, the cousin pulling up short as he surveys the scene.

Looking past the center of devastation, Neil spots Kevin who is facing him, but on the other side of the two angry blondes. He keeps whipping his head back and forth between the twins as if he’s unsure how to tackle this. His mouth is set in a grim line. 

He’s the first to see Neil, and his eyes widen. There’s surprise and wariness in that look, but Neil can also tell there’s a hint of relief. 

Kevin’s diverted attention draws the interest of Matt, and soon enough all the Foxes turn to look at him. 

They probably think he’ll help settle whatever the dispute is between the two brothers. He’s done so before. In fact, any time Andrew is involved the Foxes count on him to resolve things. And from the freshmen’s perspective, he’s their Captain. They probably think he has some control over his team regardless if they’re on the Court or not (at least Kevin would say so). 

But for once, Neil decides to take a page out of Wymack’s book. The brothers aren’t on the Court, so they’re on their own. Let the other Foxes deal with it for once. 

He hoists his duffel bag higher on his shoulder before purposefully looking away from the scene. He refuses to make eye contact with anyone as he starts walking towards the parking lot, Matt’s truck becoming his sole object of focus. 

No one calls out or stops him.

Soon he hears Matt’s footsteps behind him, running to catch up. Without speaking, he unlocks the truck and they both climb inside. Neil turns his head away from the stadium as Matt starts it and pulls out of the parking lot. 

They drive in silence for a bit before Matt can’t take it anymore. “Um, so do you wanna talk about what just-”

“You find other people attractive, right?” Neil cuts him off. “Even though you’re with Dan?”

“Uh, well yeah, I guess,” Matt admits, thrown by Neil’s segue. Neil can see a bit of color creeping into his cheeks. “I mean I’m taken, not blind, Neil.”

Neil decides he hates that expression. 

“But you still want Dan. You still choose to be in a relationship with her.”

“Of course, yeah,” Matt nods now, and that color deepens. 

“Why?”

They roll to a stop at a traffic light, and Matt turns to stare fully at Neil. “Why do I choose to be with Dan when I’m attracted to other people? Damn, Josten. Because Dan is the absolute fucking best. She’s amazing, sweet, fearless, caring, and strong. Because I love her and want to take care of her for the rest of my life. And because attraction is just that- a surface acknowledgement of you finding someone else interesting or potentially compatible with you. It’s window shopping. It’s a spark where a relationship is a roaring fire.”

“How do you know you couldn’t find that fire with one of the other people that you spark with?” Neil asks doggedly. “Perhaps that fire would be even bigger and brighter.” 

“Perhaps,” Matt allows, “but that’s part of the choice. It’s the risk you take with any relationship. I choose to stay with Dan because I want to. Because I want to support her, keep her safe, and make her feel happy. And I know she wants the same for me.”

“How do you know she does?”

“Because we tell each other all the time.”

Neil sighs and looks out the window. He runs a hand over his face and covers his eyes. 

He feels Matt hesitate before he continues. “But sometimes words can be hard. So we try to say it in other ways too. Like things we do for each other, or little gifts. Sometimes just spending time together is enough for the other person to realize that they mean something, you know?”

Neil doesn’t respond to this. There’s silence in the cab for a few minutes as the truck hums along the campus road. Then he asks quietly, “What if the fire just burns you instead? Consumes everything until there’s nothing left?”

Matt swallows as his hands slide over the wheel. “That’s the other risk you take with any relationship. That it could end. And that one of you will be hurt by it.”

Neil falls silent. 

Matt scratches the back of his head now as they pull into the parking lot at Fox Tower. He parks the truck and cuts the engine off before turning in his seat to face Neil. “Shit, look Neil, I know something must have happened with Andrew. I have no idea how your…whatever works but I know that you make each other happy. Words seem…carefully measured between the two of you,” he manages to fumble out. Neil can’t help but scoff at the statement. “So while I’d weigh what either of you says accordingly, I also think it’s important to think of what’s not being said. What either of you are doing. Because sometimes actions speak louder.”

Neil can tell Matt is trying, and he wishes it was more helpful. But he just feels defeated. For only a moment, he gives in and shows Matt this weakness. He leans forward in the seat, his elbows on his knees as he cradles his head in his hands. 

“I don’t know if I can fix this,” he whispers. 

And he wants to. He wants to so desperately that he’s taking love advice from Matt in a swelteringly hot truck in a parking lot, letting him into his private world with the hope that just maybe, he can help Neil set things right. 

But Matt only gives him a sad smile, putting a hand on his shoulder as he says, “All you can do is try.”

\---

He only goes because Matt finds him after his last class, clamping a hand on his arm and literally dragging him with him to get dinner and attend this stupid party.

But Neil is in no mood for it. He’s confused, conflicted, and desperate. He keeps drafting text messages to Andrew in the middle of class and then deleting them. He panics when his phone starts ringing, and Andrew’s name pops up on the screen. He’s walked by Fox Tower a thousand times in the past week, trying to gather up the courage to walk through its doors and just talk to Andrew. Apologize to him for all the things he’s done wrong. Figure out a way to make it right.

But he can’t.

Because the truth of the matter is he doesn’t know how to face Andrew. He can’t stomach the thought of Andrew ending it, ending them, once and for all. So he’s stuck in this limbo of missing Andrew, wanting to be near him so fiercely, but also desperate to hold him off indefinitely, pushing back the inevitable that Neil knows is coming.

So although he’s annoyed and irritated at being here, it’s also a welcome distraction from the devastating thoughts that have been swirling in his head for the past couple of days. 

He follows Matt down another side street until they come to some off-campus housing. Neil can tell exactly where the party is all the way from here. Music pours from some open basement doors, and Matt heads towards it like a beacon. With a last sigh, Neil follows. 

_“I saw you looking brand new overnight…I caught you looking too, but you didn’t look twice…”_

They weave between folks as they go down the stairs and immediately Neil can see there are a ton of people stuffed into the tiny space. There are a couple couches near a stereo system, a beer pong tournament happening in one corner, and a wet bar where some kid is playing a poor version of bartender. Otherwise it’s just loads of people milling about, leaning against walls or hanging in clusters in the middle of the room.

Matt immediately manhandles Neil into a corner where a bunch of the freshmen and sophomores from their team have gathered. 

“Cap!” Jess squeals. “What? You never come to these things!”

“I know,” Neil says flatly, already glaring at Matt. 

Matt shrugs, unrepentant. “You need to get out more.”

“Want a drink, Cap?” Rob says. “They’ve got some fruity shit in a punch bowl over by the bar?”

Neil shakes his head. The last thing he wants to do is get drunk while trapped in a basement of some house he’s never been to before with a bunch of people he doesn’t know. 

Suddenly someone latches onto his arm. “So this is the famous Exy captain you guys keep talking about?” a beautiful woman with long, dark hair and a nose ring purrs at him. “Oh, he is even hotter up close. With that bad boy kind of vibe. Yum. Where have you been hiding him?” 

Neil tries to take a step back, but with the crowd as thick as it is, he has nowhere to go. Somehow she steps even closer.

Brian rolls his eyes. “Priya, we told you. He’s taken. By a small man with a wicked temper. Who owns large knives and happens to be our goalie.” 

Neil looks at him sharply. Brian meets his gaze without flinching. 

Huh. So he did know. And yet, he didn’t confirm it with Carlos and Dominick the other day. Interesting.

Or else he’s lying. And if he is, then it’s convincing. Neil would know.

“Well, where is this man then?” Priya responds, trailing her fingers up Neil’s arm. He forcibly detaches her hand from his limb, but she’s like some kind of octopus, grabbing immediately at him again. “If he’s as taken as you say he is, then he should be here. Where is this guy to prevent your delicious captain from being stolen?”

“Uh, across the room looking like he’s going to murder you.”

Neil’s head shoots up. He scans the room, looking at the sea of unfamiliar faces until a tuft of blonde hair catches his eye.

He does a double-take. It is Andrew. 

He’s leaning against the other wall, closer to the bar. He’s got on tight black jeans, a black V-neck t-shirt, and a flannel tucked around his waist, topped with combat boots. It’s the kind of look that looks uncoordinated, but Neil knows was chosen with care. Allison would approve.

But it’s not the outfit that catches Neil’s eye. It’s the expression on Andrew’s face. Because Andrew is already staring, but it’s not one of his usual, bored ones. Or the ones Andrew catches Neil doing. 

This one is downright hostile. 

It looks like the Andrew who shoved a racquet in his stomach back at Millport. The one who smiled at Neil before yanking his head back in a booth in Eden’s until the drugs did their job. Who shoved a knife in his gut, told him he was a rabbit, and put his fist through a window without flinching. 

Neil sucks in a breath as his stomach turns. He stares helplessly back at Andrew, unsure of what he’s supposed to do now. He hates this. Hates feeling like they’re two strangers in the same room. It unnerves him.

“He…he doesn’t look so bad,” Priya falters. Her skin has suddenly taken on a sick pallor.

“Your funeral,” Rob mutters into his cup. 

Priya removes her hands, and then her entire self actually, disappearing shortly thereafter.

Neil swivels his head, trying to find Matt, but the taller man has vanished. Panic is rising in him, and Neil is fighting to catch his breath. He wants to get out of here, wants to leave but he knows it’s not an option. They only just got there. 

Then again, Neil doesn’t really care about being rude. He can probably find his way back to campus from here on his own. Now if he can just find an excuse to get away from his team…

But he becomes distracted again as he watches Aaron, Nicky, and Kevin stumble over towards Andrew, the three of them chattering away at him. Meanwhile, Andrew never looks away from Neil. 

_“Now I wish we’d never met, because you’re too hard to forget…”_

It takes the others a moment to figure out what Andrew is staring at, and Neil has never wanted the floor to swallow him faster. All three heads turn towards him and there’s a pregnant pause. Aaron shoots him a disgusted glare, and Kevin furrows his brow, a frown tugging at his mouth. Nicky’s face pales, his head whipping back and forth between Andrew and Neil. He says something to Andrew, and Neil watches as Andrew snaps back at him. Nicky positively wilts under the remark, but he drags Kevin and Aaron away dutifully. 

He should go. He really should. Andrew clearly doesn’t want him there. But his team is still chattering around him, some thread of conversation Neil lost long ago, and it’s not like he really has anywhere to go anyway-

Then he sees it.

The guy is Neil’s height, with wavy chestnut hair and soulful eyes. His outfit is a cross between casual and preppy. Tight blue jeans are shoved into dark boots, and he has on a deep blue, button-up t-shirt, the sleeves slightly rolled over his defined biceps. His hair is styled back, and he’s got a cocky grin on his face that Neil can tell is catching the eye of others in the room. But despite the offers he gets, the man is clearly on a mission. 

He's making a beeline towards Andrew. 

Neil’s breath catches in his throat. He watches helplessly as the guy approaches Andrew, leaning a hand on the wall besides Andrew’s head. At first, Andrew barely flicks a glance at the guy, and Neil waits for him to snarl or shove a fist into his stomach. It’s like Eden’s all over again. 

Then Andrew seems to change his mind.

He looks directly at Neil. Then he looks down at the guy’s shirt, reaches out, and pinches the end of his lapel between his forefinger and thumb. He slides his fingers slowly down his lapel before tucking his finger into the vee of his collar near the man’s chest, tugging him forward. He looks up at him beneath hooded eyelids, a smirk appearing on his face. 

Neil thinks he’s going to be sick. 

He knows that look. It's the look Andrew gives him when he wants Neil. When he wants to kiss him until their lips are swollen and neither of them can breathe. The one Neil thought only the two of them shared. 

Guess he was wrong. About that and so many other things. 

Because Andrew isn’t like Justin or Matt. He won’t tell this guy he’s taken. He isn’t in love with Neil. They’re nothing. Always have been, always will be. 

He doesn’t continue watching. He can’t. His stomach is nauseous, even though he barely had anything to eat at dinner.

His gaze flits around the room, staring at anything other than what Andrew is doing with that fuckface when his eyes land on the punch bowl. The one Rob had mentioned from before. And for once Neil thinks that maybe the problem is that he’s entirely too sober. 

He stalks over to it and immediately fills a cup. He tastes it hesitantly before deciding it’s tolerable. Something fruity and full of sugar but not an overwhelming alcoholic taste. Neil thinks surprisingly he can stomach it. 

So he does. 

One, two, five glasses he downs in quick succession. Because what does it matter what happens to him if Andrew no longer cares? Neil doesn’t care either then. 

The party grows further and further away in Neil’s vision, like he’s walking away from them down a long tunnel. He hears voices and sees faces that are familiar to him, but none of it seems to be registering anymore. He just nods and reacts and wishes for oblivion to find him. 

And finally, he gets it. 

_“I know that you don’t but if I ask you if you love me, I hope you lie, lie, lie, lie, lie to me…”_

\---

“Holy fuck, how is he-?”

“Oh my god, I can’t watch, I can’t-”

“Dude, that is the sickest thing I have ever seen, _ever_.”

“Like…how is he not stabbing himself right now?”

“Please tell me _someone_ is getting this on video?”

\---

“…Neil. We can go it’s fine, it’s-”

“Shut up and put your money where your mouth is, Boyd!”

“Yeah, you can just-”

…

“Fucking hell, are you kidding me?”

“Christ, is that legal? Can he just come in and do that?”

“Who the fuck is this kid?”

“Wait, I’ll bet you can’t-”

\---

“Oh, that does NOT look good.”

“Man, so sorry. You okay? Oh god, wait…he’s doing it again…oh Jesus, I think I’m going to be sick too if I keep listening to this.”

“That’s it buddy, get it all up, you’ll feel better- whoa, what’s going on over there?”

“Is that- did you just see-?”

…

“Fuck, fuck, I think it’s the cops! Come on, come on!”

“But what about..?”

“Leave him, for Christ’s sake! Let’s go!”

…

“Neil? Neil, you’ve gotta come with me…you’ve gotta trust me, man…come on, that’s it, let’s go…”

\---

His head is pounding. Though his eyes aren’t open yet, sunlight is already blinding him. He groans, rolling around on the floor as he tries to shield himself from the terrible light. 

“Turn it off,” he groans, but he thinks the words come out jumbled. 

He can hear the extremely loud rattling of someone drawing a curtain, and the room is suddenly plunged into darkness. Neil sighs in relief. 

“Neil,” a voice breathes, approaching him slowly. “You crazy motherfucker. How are you feeling this morning?”

Someone else laughs. “G, give him the glass of water before you start interrogating him. He looks like he’s barely with us yet.”

“Shut up, J.” 

Neil groans again, before he finally opens his eyes. 

He’s on the floor in someone’s dorm room. A light peach, crochet blanket has been wrapped gingerly around him, and he’s bear-hugging a large pillow. His classmate, Garrett, stares cautiously at him from nearby. 

Neil blinks before gingerly taking the glass from Garrett’s outstretched hand. For a moment, he’s stunned by how swollen and bruised his own knuckles are. Then he chooses to ignore this, sucking down water before croaking out, “Thank you.”

Garrett grins, his eyebrows shooting up towards his hairline. “Oh, he’s back, J, he’s back!”

Neil winces and Garrett immediately lowers his voice. “Oh shit, sorry! How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Neil rasps out, grateful that for once he’s with someone who will accept that answer. 

“Oh good, because you look like shit,” Garrett says cheerfully. “I was worried for a moment.”

A voice snickers at them from above. 

Neil finally looks over to where Justin must be. He’s curled up on the bed, staring down at Neil. He has jet-black hair drawn back into a loose bun, prominent cheekbones, and thin lips. He’s shirtless, his pale shoulders showing off ivory skin with golden undertones that are backlit by the morning sun peeking through the curtains. His eyes are dark, small, and hooded, but they stare at Neil with a mix of amusement, sleepiness, and mischief. 

He’s…surprisingly normal, Neil thinks. And part of him wonders why he’s surprised. He knows Garrett is full of hot air. He’s been listening to him drone on about Justin since the summer began and knew he couldn’t possibly live up to all those expectations. But what’s even odder is why Neil’s so comforted by this realization.

“Dude,” Justin grins. “It’s a pleasure to meet you in your right mind. Not to say your alter ego isn’t a hell of a lot of fun, but he makes for a wild first impression.”

“My alter ego?” Neil quotes, brow furrowing. 

“The Badass with the British accent?” Garrett says now. “The one you used all night? You didn’t even break character when you saw me, it was hella impressive actually. Sounded way natural. Have you done theater before or something?”

Neil stares, wide-eyed at them both. Fuck. He used his mother’s accent on them? On multiple people? At a party?

“Ah, he doesn’t look good,” Justin stares at him, his eyebrows drawing together. “You okay, Neil? Gonna throw up again?”

Neil shakes his head. Wait, again? 

Garrett’s brows raise. “If you think using an accent was bad…then you don’t want to know half the outrageous things we saw you do last night, hon.”

Neil feels like he’s having some sort of out-of-body experience right now. Neil Josten doesn’t do weird things. He doesn’t get drunk or lose control- two states of mind that would make him extremely vulnerable. Not without…someone around to have his back. 

Wait, he still is Neil Josten, right?

“Pics or it didn’t happen,” he quotes, channeling his inner Allison who wouldn’t give a fuck about what she did during a drunken night out. 

But Garrett just pulls out his phone and starts scrolling. He sits on the bed and leans back against Justin’s chest. “Let’s see, do you want the one where you schooled that guy in Russian, impressed his girlfriend, and then flipped him over when he got pissed without spilling your drink?”

“Oh, I loved that!” Justin grinned. “You leaned over him and said, ‘Oops, you tripped.’ Cracked up half the room while he just kind of slunk away.”

“Or when you started playing the ‘Five Finger Fillet’? You know, that knife game? Except _blindfolded_? You did it like three times in a row. One of your other teammates finally had to drag you off. I legit thought you were gonna stick your hand like seven times.”

Neil runs said hand over his face now. 

“Ooh, or when you stepped in and helped your friend win at beer pong? Shit, you dunked six glasses in a row. _Twice_. Never seen anything like it.”

Shit. Matt was playing beer pong. Neil remembers that. 

Fuck, he was never going to let him live it down.

“Show him what happened when we got him away from the cops and brought him to your dorm,” Justin grins. 

“Yes!” Garrett squeals as he looks for the video.

"Wait, cops?" Neil cuts in, a sliver of panic rising in him. "Why were the cops there?"

"Because your team and the rugby guys got into some huge fight," Garrett waves the incident off haphazardly. "I heard it was that asshole, Sean, who started the whole thing."

"Sean?" Justin squints at him. 

"Yeah, remember that preppy brunette kid? Hot but full of himself? The closeted one? Said some nasty shit last week to us at Mandy's? Hate that guy. Anyway, he kept mouthing off to some short, blonde kid on Neil's team." 

Well, that at least narrows it down to two people. It also likely explains the bruises on his hands. 

Neil swallows. "Is...is everyone okay?" he asks softly. 

"Oh yeah, your team split like a bomb went off after the first siren." Then Garrett pauses and frowns. "Again, except for that one kid." 

"Ohhhh okay yeah, I remember, the one with the armbands, right?" Justin nodded. "We actually heard him calling your name, so we turned around and he was, like, fighting off his friends as they tried to drag him away. Finally, your teammate, that huge guy - Mike or Matt, maybe? - had to knock him out to get him out of there. Last I saw he was hauling ass with the blonde tossed over his shoulder." Justin shakes his head. "The whole thing was insane."

Neil just blinks at him. "Wha-"

"Oh! I found it!" Garrett bounces excitedly, flipping his phone around and shoving it in Neil's face.

"Wait, but I-" Neil starts but Garrett just turns the sound up louder. Resigned, Neil stares dutifully at the screen. 

It’s clearly dark outside, and the phone is angled upwards on a tall building. He can just barely see something moving on the side of it, scaling the walls. 

“Jesus Christ, Neil!” Garrett shout-whispers at him from offscreen. “There’s a door down here! I have a key! I think you’ve proved your point now, James Bond, so would you please get your ass down here?”

“No,” came a posh accent from above. “I’ve scaled taller in worse conditions, you lily-livered tosser. This is child’s play. I’m perfectly fine.”

“You’re perfectly drunk off your ass is what you are,” Garrett grumbles from behind the camera. It swings over to Justin who is standing beside him, his shoulders shaking as he covers his mouth with his hand. “Would you stop laughing, J? When he falls and breaks his neck, we’re probably going to be hauled off to jail for manslaughter or something!”

“I think he’s fine, G,” Justin whoops. “I mean he’s climbing this thing faster than you crawled up that security guard’s back to try and high-five Beyoncé.”

“Okay, that was one time, J, one time- I don’t think we have to harp on it forever.”

“If you think I’m ever letting you live that down after you tripped, knocked out your front tooth on the stage, and then landed in the staff catering table-”

“Shut up, okay! I’ve blocked the whole thing out, thank you very- wait, is that our window?”

The video zooms in blurrily to a dark figure opening a window and slipping inside. 

“Holy fucking shit!”

The video cuts out and Neil hands the phone back to Garrett. 

“We’re on the seventh floor, Neil. You were so lucky it was unlocked,” Garrett tells him as he scrolls again. He’s already looking at Neil like he’s some sort of superhero, so Neil decides not to tell him that it probably wouldn’t have mattered. 

Garrett grins as he pulls something else up. “Now _this_ though- this I think is my favorite.”

The screen just shows Neil curled up on the floor as he hugs a teddy bear someone clearly had given him. “Andrew,” he whispers, and clutches the stuffed animal tighter. “Andrew, Andrew…” he says over and over until his voice finally drifts off to sleep. 

“Aww he’s so cute!” Garrett whispers offscreen. 

“Now that we finally got the knives away from him,” grumbles Justin’s voice. “Where the hell did they come from anyway?”

“I have no idea. But more importantly- who is Andrew?”

Neil swallows and it feels like those knives are tearing at his throat. 

Garrett looks at him now. “So, who is Andrew?”

Neil’s face falls. He looks down at the floor as certain pieces from last night begin to resurface. 

“I think,” Justin says slowly, “that Andrew might be the reason why Neil was drunk in the first place.” He tilts his head as he looks at Neil and points to his forearm. "Armbands?"

Neil nods. 

Garrett's mouth twists sadly as he watches Neil. He puts a hand subconsciously on Justin's arm. 

Justin wraps both of his around Garrett’s middle and pulls him tighter against him. Then he stares down at Neil with concern. “Are you okay, Neil?”

And this time, Neil knows what he’s asking. 

“I…” _I’m fine_ , is on the tip of Neil’s tongue, but he stops himself at the last second. He takes a deep breath. “I’m not,” he says, and is shocked at how good it feels to say the words out loud. “But I don’t know what to do about it.”

“What’s wrong?” Garrett asks. “Is there something we can help with?”

Neil watches as Garrett puts his hand in Justin’s, the deep brown of his skin sliding against the other man’s lighter tone. Justin immediately laces their fingers together, squeezing once. 

Neil looks down at his own empty hands and tightens them on the blanket. 

“You guys have…a relationship, right?” he asks quietly. 

Justin nods, and Garett confirms with a quick “yep!” Neither of them looks at him oddly for asking the question. So far, so good. 

“What did you…in what way…how did you determine you were in a relationship?”

“Like…how did we get together?” Garrett confirms. “Well, it took us a stupidly long amount of time because Justin didn’t say anything-”

“Hey! I thought you knew!”

“-I’ll spare you the details but I can tell you that it was after some horrible Mai-Tai’s, the death of a pool floatie, and me hysterically drunk-crying mascara onto my face and demanding he answer me before Justin finally admitted it.”

Neil blinks before repeating, “So you asked him?”

“Damn right I did.”

“Yep, I believe he said something along the lines of, ‘you fucker, are we boyfriends or not?’” Justin smirks, lifting an eyebrow at Garrett. “How could I say no?”

“You couldn’t. Obviously. I would have killed you otherwise,” Garrett grins then gives Justin a quick but sloppy kiss on the mouth. 

“You asked,” Neil repeats again. 

“Of course,” Garrett frowns at him now. “Regardless of whether it’s an official ‘relationship’ or not, Neil, if there are two parties involved, then each of you deserves equal respect. Inside the bedroom and out. Which means not only do you have the right to ask the person you're with these kind of things, but more often than not, you need to.”

“You have to let your partner know what your wants and needs are, or else they’ll never know,” Justin adds. “And believe me- they want to know.”

“They do?”

“Absolutely!” Garrett tilts his head. “Think of it this way, doesn’t it make you feel better when you know what Andrew wants? When you know what he likes, or what helps him?”

Neil nods. 

“Then why wouldn’t he want to know the same about you?”

Neil sits back, stunned. “I…I don’t…he just…,” he falters. 

“Hon, you cannot tell me he’s that selfish. Not with the starry-eyed look I see you walking into our classroom with sometimes. Like the boy hung the moon in the sky. I’ll just bet the two of you are head over heels for each other.”

Neil blushes. “I do not-” He cuts himself off, the color reaching his neck as he says, “Anyway, you don’t even know Andrew. What he’s like.” He stumbles then adds, “What we’re like.”

“Why would it be different?”

Neil stares mulishly at the pair of them.

“All right, all right, keep your secrets,” Garrett rolls his eyes. “All I’m saying is things might be simpler than you think. And it’s not fair to Andrew if you simply expect him to know how you feel all the time. Especially if something is bothering you. Sounds like y’all need to talk.”

Right. Talk. The thing Neil’s been avoiding. 

Sigh.

“He might not listen to me,” Neil admits, his shoulders drooping. 

“Still gotta try,” Justin shrugs. “If he means something to you, that is. If you still think it’s worth it.”

“He might think I’m stupid,” Neil says softer. 

“Neil, babe, look at me,” Garrett says. “I’m the one failing Spanish. Not you. You are not stupid, and I don’t think this Andrew thinks you are either.” 

Neil can’t look at either of them now, has to focus on his hands tearing at the threads of the blanket as he whispers, “He might not want me anymore.”

There’s silence for a moment before Garrett says softly, “Then there’s nothing you can do about that. But don’t be so hasty to put words in his mouth either. The fact that you’re asking means you don’t know for sure.”

Neil stares at the floor for a second. Then he nods. He stands up, folding the blanket and putting it to the side. Then he moves towards the door. 

“Wait, Neil, are you good to go back? You sure you don’t want to stay here, sleep it off a little more?” Garrett asks him suddenly, and Neil is surprised to find that he’s tempted to say yes. 

But he’s already caused enough drama for the two of them, so he shakes his head. “No,” he says, but he gives them a soft smile. “Thank you though. And thank you for…you know…last night.” 

“Of course,” Garrett beams. “I mean, I should probably be thanking you at this point. I think you're some kind of legend on campus now, so you’re definitely boosting my street cred at the moment. My phone has been getting blown up all morning.”

Neil doesn’t know what half of those sentences mean but he nods anyway. 

“See you in Spanish!” Garrett calls out.

“Good luck, mate!” Justin calls after him, sounding distinctly more Australian than British.

Neil doesn't respond but his mouth twitches as he shuts the door quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay!! The return of Garrett and the introduction of his boy, Justin! My lovey-dovey OC couple that I couldn’t wait to bring back into the mix. Their ignorance of Neil’s past actually is what really helps in this situation because they aren’t held back by all the things the rest of the Foxes know about Neil and Andrew. I loved how it gave me the opportunity to give Neil some 3rd-party objective realism into how a relationship could work.
> 
> Note my moment of pure self-indulgence as I work in the song lyrics of the title of this fic. ;)
> 
> So we're a little up and down...but note that hopeful note at the end! First time we've had that in a while, ehhh??? (Also, I love slipping in Badass!Neil - he's my fave!) 
> 
> Thanks as always for reading guys! ❤❤
> 
> Next Time:  
> But for now, he stands in front of his team in a huddle at the end of practice, harnessing the last of his energy and patience into wrapping things up. 
> 
> “Jess and Brian, you need to work on those off-wall passes, they need to be cleaner. Matt, show them some of the drills you and Aaron have been doing the last two weeks. Sheena, keep an eye on dropping back too far or else you’re gonna give the strikers an easy opening. Our defensive line can handle it. Nicky-”
> 
> “ _This is ridiculous_ ,” Kevin suddenly snaps in French. “ _I said I was going to keep my mouth shut but I can’t tolerate it any longer_.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil has an interesting conversation with Nicky and Aaron. Then practice goes sideways as certain things are brought to light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers/Warnings: Brief homophobic comments in this one! (B/c Jack. Ugh.) Also some mild talk of violence.

Neil is uncomfortable. 

It’s three days after the party and he’s still being approached by people he’s never seen before. Some weirdly ask him for a high-five or a selfie, while others berate him with twelve thousand questions about where his accent is from, how he learned to do "that stuff" with knives, and (most awkwardly) how "hot" he looked through the whole thing. 

To date, Neil has run away from about seven of these conversations, stared blank-faced at another three, and publicly roasted one guy who rudely propositioned him in the dining hall. 

Now, he’s sitting in the courtyard of the mathematics wing, trying to fend off a group of students he’s never spoken to about Gödel’s proof, when a familiar voice cuts through the crowd. 

“All right, Math nerds! Go on, scatter! Neil and I have official Exy business to talk about!”

Nicky slips through them cleanly, shooing the other students off with some incessant fluttering of his hands. 

Weirdly enough, it works. 

“Official Exy business?” Neil asks, looking gratefully up at Nicky. 

“Well, I knew it would get your attention if nothing else,” the cousin grins back at him. Then he looks down worriedly at Neil. “Wymack said you were sick, but Andrew and Kevin wouldn’t let me in the room to check on you, so I'm glad to see you're up and about! Are you feeling any better?”

Neil avoids Nicky’s earnest gaze as guilt rolls through him. Between his mortifying behavior at the party, his recent treatment of the team, and this horrible _whatever_ that he’s going through with Andrew right now, he’d been unable to face everyone. So he’d actually asked Wymack for a few days, to try and clear his head. 

It felt like a cowardly move, and Neil isn’t proud of it.

“I’m fine,” is all he says to Nicky now though, an automatic response that immediately has him wincing. He knows the reaction this statement will get. 

But Nicky just smiles at him and asks, “Mind if I sit with you, Neil?”

Neil shakes his head, a bit bewildered by what Nicky is doing here anyway since he knows the cousin isn't taking any math classes this semester. 

Nicky sits down next to him, pulls out a bag from his satchel, and pops something in his mouth. “Can’t help myself, I always seem to need a mid-afternoon snack to get me through classes. Want some?”

Neil looks down at the offering. It’s dried apricots. His favorite snack. 

His mouth immediately starts watering, and he suddenly remembers how he seems to have missed both breakfast and lunch today. With a hesitant glance at Nicky, he reaches a hand into the bag and pulls a few out, popping one into his mouth and nearly sighing when the flavor hits his taste buds. 

"Thank you," he says quickly. Nicky smiles wider.

Then the two sit chewing in comfortable silence for a moment. 

Neil waits for Nicky to bombard him with questions from the party, to comment on how hilarious or outrageous the whole thing was, but for once Nicky seems content not to speak. It’s this lack of prodding, this unnatural silence from the chatty cousin, that has Neil’s stomach tying itself in knots. 

Finally, Neil clears his throat and asks the question that has been burning in his mind ever since he spoke with Garrett and Justin. “Nicky, what happened that night?”

Because the more he thinks about it, the more it feels like he's missing something. Things just aren't adding up right. 

But he isn't stupid. He'd seen what Andrew was doing with his own two eyes. It had been obvious. 

Hadn't it?

Nicky tilts his head as he stares at Neil. He knows what Neil is asking. Neil forces himself not to look away, to hold his gaze while he waits for an answer. But when he gets it, it’s not from Nicky. 

“Andrew told that guy to fuck off is what happened.”

Neil whips around to see Aaron standing behind him. 

Shit, he forgot Aaron was taking Statistics this semester. Now he gets why Nicky is here- he was waiting for him.

The twin returns Neil's gaze nonchalantly. “Gee, you look real sick to me, Josten. How’s bed rest coming?”

“Aaron!” Nicky hisses at him.

“What? I never said I’d pretend to go along with this stupid avoidance game they’re playing.” He glares at Neil. “You know, for someone who Andrew trusts so completely, it’s funny how quick you are to assume the worst of him.” 

Neil clenches his jaw as his gut twists hard at the accusation. 

Aaron jerks his head at Nicky. “Show him the picture.”

Nicky takes out his phone and gives Neil an apologetic glance before he hands it to him. Neil stares down at the photo pictured on the screen. It’s Andrew and that guy again, in the same position that Neil saw them in, but from a different angle this time. Neil stares down at it, frowning. Everything about the scene looks the same - except for one glaring detail.

Andrew has a knife shoved against the guy’s stomach. 

Neil sucks in a breath.

“We were over by the bar when he came over,” Nicky says softly. “The minute that guy, Sean, came onto him, Andrew rejected him. But then he saw where Andrew was looking (at you of course) and he started making some…disgusting comments about what he’d do to you-”

“-so Andrew drew a knife on him and threatened to cut off his dick.” Aaron interrupts. “And this asshole responded by trying to jump Andrew with the rest of the rugby team an hour or two later.”

Neil reels from this new information, stunned. A wave of shame rolls over him. “I thought-”

“Yeah, we get what you thought,” Aaron sneers. “But just because he’s gay doesn’t mean that Andrew wants to fuck every guy he sees, asshole.”

“What my cousin is poorly trying to say,” Nicky cuts in, throwing a reproachful look at Aaron, “is that Andrew cares about you, Neil. He wouldn’t just throw away what you have for some halfway-decent looking guy.” 

Neil stares at him. “How do you-” then he stops himself, shaking his head. “No, you don’t understand-”

“You’re right, we don’t,” Aaron snaps at him, his eyes boring into Neil’s mercilessly. “We don’t understand why the two of you won’t just talk about this.”

“Because there is no ‘this’,” Neil says frustratingly. “I can’t talk about what doesn’t exist.”

“Newsflash moron: only the two of you think that.”

“Well aren’t we the only two that would count in this scenario?” Neil snarls back. 

“Neil, Andrew was really worried about you that night,” Nicky gently intervenes. He stares pointedly at Aaron. “Wasn’t he, Aaron?”

Aaron snorts, rolling his eyes. “Threw a freaking temper tantrum and destroyed half the damn dorm room. Like a child.”

Neil furrows his brow. “But why?”

“Because he saw two guys dragging you off that he didn’t know,” Nicky says. “And it freaked him out. That’s why we had to have Matt intervene, because he refused to leave without you.” He looks Neil in the eye as he asks, “Does that sound like someone who doesn’t care?”

Neil stares at Nicky, wanting so badly to believe him, but a stubborn part of him still resists. He shrugs jerkily at him. “He’d do the same for Kevin, or any of you. It has nothing to do with me personally.”

Aaron throws his hands up. “God, Neil, do we have to spell it out to you? You’re the one he lets drive his car. The only one he can fall asleep in front of. The one person he listens to without fail.” 

Neil pivots in his seat, nailing Aaron with an angry glare. "Why are you doing this? What the fuck do you care? You're the one who said anyone else would be better than me. So what is this, some stupid bet between the two of you? Or a prank?" 

"Fuck no," Aaron scoffs. "Don't flatter yourself, Josten. I don't have time to waste on stupid bets involving you two. And it doesn't matter what I think, it's what Andrew wants." 

Neil whips his head back at Nicky. “And you said he was clearly looking at other guys! How we're not even in a relationship-”

“Neil, I was wrong,” Nicky doesn’t shy away from Neil's fierce gaze. “I get it now. It’s obvious, if you know where to look.”

Neil stares at both of them, eyes wide and confused. “But why would he- I asked him-” He shoves his hands frustratingly into his hair as he stares down at the ground. “I don’t get it,” he grits out finally. 

Silence reigns between the three of them. 

Finally, Aaron breaks it with a large sigh. “Christ, I forgot what a fucking idiot you are.” He turns to his cousin. “Go away, Nicky.” And for a minute, Neil is thrown because he sounds exactly like Andrew.

Nicky looks hesitantly between the two of them. 

Aaron rolls his eyes. “I’m not going to kill him today. Just go. I’ll meet up with you.”

Nicky lingers a moment more, giving Neil a small smile. Then he gets up and walks off. 

Neil stares warily at Aaron.

Aaron returns his gaze calmly. Then he looks off in the distance and lets out another sigh. “Look, do you remember when you and Andrew left for that cabin for the week, right after the trial?”

Neil’s brows draw together. Where the hell is this coming from? 

He nods slowly.

“I was so fucking jealous of you.”

Neil’s head snaps back in shock. But Aaron continues. 

“I wanted to be the one Andrew confided in, that he broke down to. I stupidly thought I had somehow earned it after…after what I did. Especially after all the hours of therapy and talking and shit you guys forced us into.” He glares at Neil as the memories resurface. “But as the days went by, I got it. I realized that…I didn’t want to break down in front of him either. I had Katelyn for that. She was the one who helped hold me up, who knew exactly what I needed. And for Andrew it was you.”

Neil stays silent.

“You were the one he trusted. The one he felt safe enough to lose control with. The one he knew could help piece him back together again without losing anything.” Aaron runs a hand over his face. “I couldn’t give him that. But you could. And you did.”

Neil glares at Aaron, searching him for any signs of falseness, waiting for a hidden _gotcha_ to rear its ugly head. But all of Aaron’s body language screams _awkward truth_. 

“…did he-,” Neil starts cautiously. “-did he say that?”

Aaron shakes his head. “He doesn’t need to, Neil. We can all see it.” He tilts his head as he reconsiders this statement. "Okay, well some of us can."

Neil frowns and looks away. 

“Neil, you are the _only_ human being alive that he allows himself to be vulnerable with.” He shakes his head, muttering angrily to himself. “It makes zero fucking sense. I don’t get it, probably never will but-”

Aaron pauses, silent for a moment. Then he swallows hard.

His next words sound like hardened taffy, the way he has to unstick them from the roof of his mouth. “-but that’s what I want for him. To feel safe. To be with someone who he can trust won’t hurt him, not in all the ways that matter. And as much as I think you’re an arrogant son of a bitch, Josten, I know you would do anything for Andrew.”

“I’d die for him,” Neil agrees softly. 

Aaron’s eyes widen before he looks away from Neil. He nods his head jerkily in acknowledgement of the statement. “I…I get why you did what you did two years ago, even if I still think it was shitty. And I know things are…complicated with your situation. But if you ever lie to us again, or let anything happen to him, I will smash your fucking face in, got it?”

It’s not the worst (or even the most creative) threat Neil’s ever been given, but he lets Aaron have it. He nods once in agreement. 

Aaron huffs and falls silent. He doesn’t seem to be able to say anything else at the moment, so Neil clears his throat. Time to eat some crow. It was only fair. 

“Sorry. About what I said about you and Katelyn. About your mother. It was…it was shitty of me.” 

Aaron shrugs.

“No, I mean it, Aaron. I get it. I’m…I’m probably the only one on our team who does.” 

Aaron frowns for a moment. Then he looks at Neil, his eyes widening. 

Neil is surprised by this reaction but only for a moment. He should have known that despite all of the sessions that Aaron and Andrew had together, Andrew wouldn’t disclose anything about his mother. 

It makes his chest feel warm before sliding back into an ache. 

Aaron looks like he doesn’t know what to do with this newfound information. That he and Neil could have any common ground seems to have floored him. 

“How…how long?” he finally asks. 

Neil shrugs. “As far back as I can remember. She did it to keep me quiet mostly, or to keep me moving. We were on our own all the time back then. She was all I had. It was too dangerous to get close to anyone else. And if I even looked the wrong way at someone…well…” he clears his throat, eyes skittering away from Aaron’s knowing gaze. “She did it to protect me, you know?” 

He watches Aaron open his mouth and then close it. He clenches his jaw. Then he asks, “Does Andrew know?”

Neil swallows. “Mostly.”

There’s a heavy silence that follows that single word.

It’s clear from Aaron’s unwavering gaze that he knows exactly what part Neil hasn’t mentioned. “Why haven’t you told him?”

“Because why does it matter?” Neil snaps back instantly, defensive. 

“It matters because it happened to you, Neil. He’d want to know. He deserves to, after everything he’s shared with you.”

Now Neil’s tearing at his fingernails, guilt eating at him as he sits there. “Does Katelyn know? About your mom?”

“Of course. I tell Katelyn everything,” Aaron says, dead serious. “We talk all the time.”

Neil tries not to be irritated at this. Things just aren’t as easy for him and Andrew as they are for Aaron and Katelyn. He can’t justify unloading something as small and trivial as this insignificant trauma in the midst of all the enormous ones that Andrew’s dealt with. That Neil has barely survived. It’s something stupid and dismissive that isn’t worth either of their time. 

At least, he’s always thought so.

He runs a hand through his hair, fingernails digging into his scalp.

Aaron holds up his hands. “Look, Neil, I’m not saying to fix whatever the fuck is wrong with you two tomorrow. But don’t be cruel. Come to practice. Make sure he sees you’re still breathing. The rest you two can figure out.”

And then he walks off without waiting for a response. 

Neil watches him go. The courtyard is empty now, the next class already in session, but Neil no longer feels like going. 

He pores over the conflicting feelings that are swirling inside of him, staring down at his hands for a minute when something catches his eye beside him.

It’s only then that he realizes that Nicky left the dried apricots with him. 

He picks up the bag and lets out a small smile.

\---

Neil goes back to practice. No one says anything about the party from that weekend or why he’s been missing. In fact, no one mentions the way Neil treated the team last week at all. The moment they see him, they act like nothing is wrong, picking up with him as if he’d never left.

And though Neil finds it weird, he’s too grateful to really question why.

It’s hard to miss the cracked knuckles, bruised faces, and split lips of his teammates. They wear them like war wounds, grins bursting at the seams as someone proudly complains about their ribs aching or how their face hurts. It gets the rest of the team snickering as they poke fun at each other, literally. 

It also makes the corner of Neil’s mouth twitch as a weird feeling of belonging rises within him. He sighs, content for the first time in weeks. He’d missed this.

So he doesn't think twice when his vice-captain snags a seat on the bench next to him. She takes a long drink of water before glancing around quickly and whispering, "Andrew told us not to say anything because he said you'd be embarrassed, but-"

"Andrew said that?" Neil looks at her bewilderedly. 

Jess shrugs her shoulders. "Well, you know- in Andrew-speak it's what he meant- but either way, we just wanted to let you know we always got your back, Cap. If something's bugging you, you can tell us, okay? Whatever it is, we'll do our best to help." She frowns as she watches Jack and Dominick run into a goal post before they both crash to the floor, groaning. "Okay, well, some of us will."

Neil is silent for a moment. Then he asks, "Why aren't you guys pissed at me? I was such an asshole to you last week." 

Again, she just shrugs. "We all said some dumb shit, Cap. I mean, we're Foxes- we _always_ say something stupid. Then we lash out and usually fall down on our face because of it." She grins. "But we get back up every time, Cap. And that's the real secret to being a Fox." 

She knocks her hand against his helmet once before she takes off onto the Court once more. A corner of Neil's mouth lifts as he watches her go. Then, unconsciously, his eyes stray towards the goal.

Andrew meets his gaze immediately. 

Neil’s struck by it for a moment before he forces himself to turn away. He shakes his head. It seems he just can't help himself. 

Because there are other things he misses as well. 

\---

By the time Friday rolls around, Neil is exhausted. He has bags under his eyes that he’s willing to bet NASA can spot from outer space. He’s been reprimanded by two of his professors and Wymack for falling behind in class. And he’s barely eaten anything as he’s had to skip breakfast and dinner for the last couple of days, stocking up on what he can from the campus store. But for now, he stands in front of his team in a huddle at the end of practice, harnessing the last of his energy and patience into wrapping things up. 

“Jess and Brian, you need to work on those off-wall passes, they need to be cleaner. Matt, show them some of the drills you and Aaron have been doing the last two weeks. Sheena, keep an eye on dropping back too far or else you’re gonna give the strikers an easy opening. Our defensive line can handle it. Nicky-”

 _“This is ridiculous_ ,” Kevin suddenly snaps in French. _“I said I was going to keep my mouth shut but I can’t tolerate it any longer.”_

Neil pauses, thrown for a second, before he continues as if Kevin hadn’t interrupted. “-Nicky, can you work with Colin on his overhead throws? If we can just get them to half-court-”

 _“You haven’t been to night practice for two weeks_ ,” Kevin continues. “ _I don’t know what the hell is going on between you and Andrew but this is exactly why you can’t bring personal problems onto the court_. _It’s affecting both of your games.”_

Neil stops and looks Kevin in the eye. This is unusual for the striker. A coward at heart, he doesn’t usually start fights, especially public ones. That he’s preferred to attack in a language no one other than Neil can understand is hardly surprising though. 

“Cap,” Jess whispers next to him. “What’s he saying? Do you want me to punch him for you?”

“Care to share with the rest of the class, Day?” Brian remarks out loud. “Or do we have to start guessing why you’re pissed at Neil now?”

Neil puts his arms out to the team in a silent warning before whipping out in French, “ _It’s none of your fucking business what’s going on between myself and our goalie. My game is fine. Missing some night practices won’t change that. Drop it.”_

He purposefully avoids Andrew’s name, hopes that Kevin will take the hint. 

_“You need to sleep properly, Neil. Squatting on Matt’s couch may help lick your wounds, but it won’t keep you alive. Exy will. You need to get over it.”_

Neil huffs out a laugh at Kevin’s presumptions. _“What the hell do you know?”_

“What the fuck, Josten, stop wasting our time and get on with it. You and Kevin can suck each other’s dicks later. Some of us have lives to get back to,” Jack sneers from the back. 

“Shut the fuck up, Jack. Neil’s our captain and he runs practice, so he can choose to waste your time any damn way he feels like it,” Jess snaps at him.

 _“Neil?”_ Nicky says to him now in German. “ _Do you want me to get Coach?”_

 _“No it’s fine, Nicky,”_ Neil replies back to him in German _. “I can handle this.”_

Kevin scoffs. “ _This kind of behavior won’t be tolerated on a pro team. And you can forget Court. You’re supposed to be leading the team right now and you’re doing a half-assed job of it. What the hell could be so bad between the two of you anyway?”_

“I feel like I’m watching a PBS special,” Rob remarks. “Or maybe I set the language wrong on my TV. How do you turn on subtitles?”

“Does anyone else know French?” Holly pipes up, one of their new strikers. She’s watching their exchange feverishly. “Because it sounds extremely hot and I’m dying to know what they’re saying.”

“With any luck, Day is telling Josten what a waste of space he is, and how literally anyone else could be a better captain,” Jack sneers. 

_“On second thought, I happily volunteer to sucker punch him_ ,” Nicky offers. 

“One more word, Jack, and you’ll be running laps for the rest of practice,” Neil warns. He turns back to Kevin. “ _Why do you care? You don’t give a shit about me off the court.”_

Kevin looks affronted. “ _Of course I do. The way you conduct your personal life can affect your image, which in turn affects your game. And besides, we’re friends. As your friend, I have the right to tell you when you’re making shitty decisions.”_

Neil groans, running a hand down his face.

“Go ahead and make me, _Captain_!” Jack’s face is flushed. “Bet you’re not so brave without your pet monster around to save your ass.”

“Okay, I have no clue what’s going on, but I think it’s time to wrap this up, Cap,” Jess whispers. 

Nicky clears his throat. “ _Umm, Neil, Andrew is pulling out his knives…”_

“I got it, Jess,” Neil replies tersely. “ _Handle it, Nicky_ ,” he tosses back at the cousin. 

_“I’m just saying some silly fight between you and Andrew shouldn’t stop you from playing_ ,” Kevin drones on.

 _“It’s not stopping me, I’m dealing with it, leave me the fuck alone, Kevin,”_ Neil snaps.

“Got nothing to say, huh, Josten?” Jack sneers. “Fucking coward.”

 _“Seriously, Neil,”_ interjects Nicky’s panicked tone. “ _I think Andrew’s going to stab Jack.”_

 _“So he bleeds a little_ ,” Neil retorts. 

_“You need to fix this. Just talk to him, Neil. Be honest_ ,” Kevin continues, persistent. 

_“Neil,”_ Nicky squeals _, “you have to-”_

And Neil is finally at his wit’s end. 

_“You want me to be honest, Kevin? Fine. Andrew and I fought because I realized that while he is the only one for me for the rest of my life, he has other options. He finds other people attractive whereas I don’t. And while I will always choose him, I don’t know if I’ve ever really asked him whether he wants to be with me. If I didn’t ask, then it makes me the worst kind of monster there is. I know I don’t deserve Andrew. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened in my life, and I won’t be selfish and keep him if he wants someone else. So this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I will wait and watch him walk away if that’s what he wants.”_

Neil is shouting at Kevin as the words pour from his mouth, his face red and hair flying around him. He can’t speak fast enough, can barely breathe as the words trip off his tongue. 

_“If there’s any other part of my private life you’d like to know about, like how often I suck his dick or how I cheer myself up by remembering a bullet crushing Riko’s brain, let me know_. _But in the meantime, I’m falling apart. And it’s nothing that some extra night drills will fix. So just let me get through this practice, suck at being captain like I usually do, and pretend like everything’s fine for another ten minutes, okay?”_

Kevin stares at Neil silently, his brows drawn together. 

Neil decides to take this as agreement before he turns and addresses the rest of the team. “For the rest of you, we’re going to work on speed-drills for the rest of practice. Matt, divide them up between the two goals. And Jack, if you think I won’t bench you for this whole season because you can’t follow my orders, you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought. Open your mouth again and try me. Otherwise, get your ass moving and start lapping this track until Jess says you can stop. We have an away game next Tuesday, so let your professors know you’ll be missing classes, and be ready to get your butts on the bus at the crack of dawn. Any questions?”

He watches Nicky slowly raise his hand. 

“Yes, Nicky?” he responds tersely. 

_“Just for the record, I actually think you’re a great captain. Dan would be proud of you_ ,” Nicky says softly. 

And for a moment, Neil stares at him. Because Nicky responded to him in German, which isn’t unusual except for the fact that he just commented on something Neil had said to Kevin in French…hadn’t he? 

His mind races back to the commotion in the conversation a few minutes ago. Did he get tripped up? His heart starts to beat faster. He was talking to Kevin in French, but the rest of the team kept interrupting. Then Nicky started chiming in, in German. 

Neil whips his gaze over to Kevin’s face who looks very confused. As if he has no idea what Neil told him. He didn’t even flinch when Neil mentioned Riko’s name. Which means Neil must not have spoken in French.

The switching back and forth between the two languages messed him up. Which meant the rant he had intended privately for Kevin was said in German. 

And there’s only three people who understand German amongst the Foxes. 

_No, no, no…_

In a heartbeat, Neil’s eyes flick from Nicky to Aaron to Andrew. Nicky looks at him like he’s going to be sick, sympathy and pity pouring from his eyes. Aaron meets his gaze without flinching, an irritated sort of satisfaction on his face that's a mix between _you guys are so stupid_ and _finally_.

And Andrew. Andrew’s eyes are swallowing him up. He stares at Neil, his gaze unwavering. His face is a very careful, neutral blank, but he can’t dampen his intensity. 

Neil’s face turns bright red. 

He turns and sprints from the group without a second glance. He barely hears their protests behind him. He races back into the locker room, tearing off his armor and whipping out his duffel bag. He shoves things in blindly and slams his locker closed. He has to run, he has to get out of there-

“Neil! Neil, hold on, just wait one damn minute.”

It’s Wymack. Neil stands there, panting, ready to jump out of his skin, ready to be anywhere but here at the moment. 

“Stop panicking. Breathe. Andrew’s not coming in here, I promise.”

And now Neil’s eyes snap to his Coach’s face. 

Wymack just looks at him. “Look, kid, I know that…whatever happened is taking its toll on you. You’re exhausted. You’re a walking zombie in my practices. And you can’t just keep sleeping in the lounge.”

Neil swallows the sudden lump in his throat. So Wymack knew he’d been staying here. 

“You need some rest. Why don’t you come back and stay a few nights at my apartment?” 

Slowly, Neil shakes his head, his gaze unfocused as he thinks. No, no, Andrew can find him there. 

As if he’s spoken out loud, Wymack nods. “Thought you might decline, so why don’t we do this instead.” He hands Neil a small business card. “There’s a small hotel in town. I’ll get you a room for a few nights. Go and get away from campus and unwind. Relax. Eat some food and sleep. Then we’ll talk on Monday.”

It was a way to run without really running. For someone to know exactly where he was without everyone knowing. A perfect compromise for a rabbit like Neil. How like Wymack to understand exactly what he needs. 

He hesitates for only a moment before plucking the card out of Wymack’s hand. He stares at the address and whispers, “Thank you.”

“But make sure you plug in that damn phone of yours, Josten. I want to be able to reach you at all times.”

“Yes, Coach.”

Wymack nods. “Give me a minute to finish up with the team and I’ll drive you.”

Neil shakes his head. “No, I’ll walk. It’ll give me time to think.”

“Neil, it’s ten miles away from here, just give me five damn minutes- Neil, wait!”

But Neil has already taken off, his legs flying beneath him.

\---

A little over an hour later, Neil lets himself into the cool hotel room with a sigh, leaning back against the door as he catches his breath and lets his pounding heart settle. 

The room is nondescript, like any other hotel room he’s been to. A muted green and blue wallpaper covers the walls and matches the dark navy bedspread on the king-sized bed. To his left there’s a side table with a chair next to the window, and a door leading to a tiny balcony. To his right, another doorway leads into a small, white bathroom. Overall, it’s nice, clean, and unremarkable. Exactly what he’s looking for.

He dumps his duffel bag on the bed and quickly digs for his toothbrush. He finds it with his phone cord wrapped around it. Remembering his promise to Wymack, Neil plugs his charger into the wall and connects the phone. He’ll let it charge while he takes a shower. 

When he comes back, Neil can see dozens of text notifications popping up. Some are check-ins from Dan and Allison, a few classmates for an upcoming project, and several of the underclassmen asking about practice. But Neil narrows down his focus to one specific thread that’s from tonight. 

It’s a group chat of the remaining older Foxes from Neil’s freshman year. And as he starts reading, he realizes quickly that they forgot he was on it.

**Kevin** : ok thats it. matt i’m coming 2 get Neil 2night 4 practice and hes coming w us no matter what. ive waited long enough

 **Matt** : 4 the record, i think u should stay out of neils business but y would u come here?

 **Kevin** : bc hes been staying w u

 **Matt** : uh what?

 **Nicky** : neil hasnt been staying here, kev. r u saying he hasnt been sleeping in ur room?

 **Kevin** : …yes

 **Aaron** : who tf cares

 **Nicky** : aaron!!

 **Matt** : shit srsly? maybe hes staying with 1 of the sophomores? or wymack?

 **Nicky** : hold on ill text jess

 **Kevin** : ill call wymack

 **Nicky** : shit jess says he hasnt stayed w any of them. should we b looking 4 him?

 **Matt** : u think he might have ran again?

 **Aaron** : of course he fucking ran

 **Kevin** : wymack knows where he is

 **Matt:** oh thank god

 **Andrew** : where is he

Neil’s heart leaps into his throat for a minute as he stares down at Andrew’s text. 

**Kevin:** coach says he gave neil the weekend off. sent him somewhere safe

 **Andrew:** was i not clear, kev? i said WHERE IS HE

 **Kevin:** shit andrew idk. Wymack wouldnt say. where the hell r u anyway?

 **Kevin:** coach also said not 2 bother him bc he wont tell u

 **Kevin** : andrew??

 **Matt:** hes totally going 2 coachs apartment

 **Nicky** : oh def

 **Kevin** : fuck

Neil stares down at the thread for another moment before pulling up a new text message and typing in Wymack’s name. 

**Neil:** arrived safe

 **Wymack** : good. get some rest 

Determined to do just that, Neil slips under the covers in his boxer-briefs. Then he turns off the light and falls into a deep slumber for the first time all week. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, I loved how MAD y'all were at Andrew last chapter. Legit defending ya boy, Neil! It was so hard for me not to say anything, so apologies for the radio silence! I didn't want to ruin it for anyone though 😉 (And apologies...some of that may have been my own fault with my notes from the previous chapter. I probably unintentionally set you up for a fall mentally- so sorry! 😔😣😓 I need to learn to keep my mouth shut! 🤐 *cue nicky*) 
> 
> FYI for all non-American friends who aren't familiar with this: the PBS station (Public Broadcasting Service) is an American channel that's known for being educational- it specializes in history, antiques, educational kid's shows, and international shows like Masterpiece Theater by the BBC. Some of it's more well-known shows are like Sesame Street, Mister Roger's Neighborhood, Reading Rainbow, and Bob Ross's The Joy of Painting. 
> 
> We're so close to the end! It's coming, I can smell that sweet hint of resolution in the air...😊
> 
> Thank you as always for reading and your amazing comments and feedback! You guys are awesome! 
> 
> Next time: 
> 
> When he wakes up, it’s to the smell of something familiar. Smoke fills his lungs, ashy and burning, coming from somewhere in the room. 
> 
> Neil is on his stomach, arms up under his pillow, and the covers kicked down to around his hips. His head is turned towards the balcony door which he sees with hazy eyes is now open. A familiar-looking figure sits on a chair in the doorway, their feet propped up on the balcony railing. They’re smoking a cigarette in the dark.
> 
> Neil sucks in a sharp breath. “Andrew?” 
> 
> He flips the switch on the lamp next to the bed, flooding the room with a soft light. 
> 
> “He’s alive,” Andrew muses.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's what everyone's been waiting for...The Talk™. Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers/Warnings: Mild references to abuse. There's also some sexy fun times after the break, so if you're not into it, feel free to skip! (No plot loss there LOL).

When he wakes up, it’s to the smell of something familiar. Smoke fills his lungs, ashy and burning, coming from somewhere in the room. 

Neil is on his stomach, arms up under his pillow, and the covers kicked down to around his hips. His head is turned towards the balcony door which he sees with hazy eyes is now open. A familiar-looking figure sits on a chair in the doorway, their feet propped up on the balcony railing. They’re smoking a cigarette in the dark.

Neil sucks in a sharp breath. “Andrew?”

He flips the switch on the lamp next to the bed, flooding the room with a soft light. 

“He’s alive,” Andrew muses. He turns and stares at Neil, his eyes lingering as they trail down the length of his body. 

Neil shudders at the gaze, desire rising in him sharply. Feeling guilty for this, he sits up and draws the covers up along with his knees to his chest, clasping his arms around them. He looks away from Andrew, staring at the end of the bed. “What are you doing here?”

He’s not surprised Andrew’s here. Not really. Andrew could be extremely persuasive when motivated- Wymack didn’t stand a chance. Why he was motivated at all is Neil’s real question, and of course Andrew hears it. 

“You asked a question. I owe you an answer.”

And now he feels like he’s going to be sick. 

The bed dips and Neil turns his head to meet Andrew’s gaze. He’s sitting right in front of Neil’s legs now, crowding his personal space without touching. “But before I do, I need to know why.”

Neil gives him a confused look. 

Andrew grits his teeth. “Why did you ask the question?”

_Do you want to stay with me? Yes or no?_

He’d known this was coming. But it still feels like he’s taking a knife to his chest and cutting himself open, letting everything that is blackened and soiled spill from his gut in front of Andrew. But he won’t shy away from it. They’ve been dancing around this for too long already. He should just get it over with. Andrew deserves the truth, no matter how ugly it is. He owes it to him. 

Neil takes a shuddering breath before laying himself bare. “I don’t know what you want,” is the first thing to burst from his mouth. The rest of the words follow, surprisingly easier. “I thought I did. Everything was fine, I was good with what we had. It was perfect. But then I realized, at Eden’s, that you don’t have my limitations. You’re attracted to other people. You could find someone else, someone better than me. And then I realized I didn’t even know why you chose me. Or if you actually did- if I actually offered. I don’t know what you want, and it scares me.”

“And you do?” Andrew asks. “Know what you want?”

“You, Andrew,” Neil whispers. “Always and only you.”

“And yet you’re the one who keeps saying no.” 

When Neil just stares at him, Andrew sighs, turning his body to the side so his legs are hanging over the edge of the bed. “You’ve never actually said it. But you can say it, you know. Instead of not answering or coming up with excuses.”

And suddenly Neil is reeling, thinking back to all the times in the past month or so when Andrew initiated anything, and he was the one to pull back. “I didn’t mean- Andrew, I was just- I’m so-”

“If you fucking apologize, I will split your lip,” Andrew growls. “I’ve told you before that you can say no. You don’t have to feel guilty for doing it.” He brings a hand up to the back of his neck. “But want is a two-way street.”

Neil sits back for a moment, stunned.

_Andrew thought Neil no longer wanted him._

The idea of it is unfathomable to Neil. It ranks right up there with never playing Exy again or forgetting the Foxes. It will never happen. 

Then Andrew scoffs, drawing Neil’s attention back to him.

 _“I will wait and watch him walk away if that’s what he wants_ ,” Andrew repeats word for word in German. “Why? Why did you run to everyone else on the team instead of asking me? You drag Nicky into it, insinuate shit with Kevin, provoke my brother. You’ve never been a coward, Josten, so why start now?”

Neil dips his chin so that his eyes no longer meet Andrew’s. Something feeling suspiciously like guilt worms inside of him. “I don’t know, I just…I didn’t know if I could ask.”

Andrew glares at him. “Of course you can ask me, Neil! Why the fuck wouldn’t you be able to ask?”

And something snaps inside of Neil. He lifts his head and glares furiously back at Andrew. “Because you said that if two people have nothing, then they don’t have the right to! That they have no say over each other’s choices and shouldn’t even be bringing it up!”

Andrew’s eyes dart to the side as he searches through his memory. “Your jealous friend,” he accuses, finally. 

“ _We_ are nothing, remember?” Neil retorts. “Not boyfriends, not partners. No relationship. _Nothing_.” 

“So because I answered some stupid hypothetical scenario you brought up with zero fucking context, your brilliant idea was to avoid this whole thing into non-existence?”

Neil doesn’t know why he feels ashamed suddenly, but he forces himself to keep going. Sometimes it’s better just to rip off the band-aid. “I felt like I already knew the answer, and I didn’t want to hear you confirm it.”

“So you just ran with your assumptions instead. Typical fucking rabbit.”

Andrew is incensed. He jumps off the bed and begins pacing now in the small room as he rattles off his points. “Let’s see if I can summarize what you think you know. To be clear, you think you somehow forced me into this. You think that I’m no longer attracted to you, that I’m only humoring you out of some weird _misplaced sense of guilt_ , and that the second someone more attractive than you crosses my path, I’m going to get rid of you. So basically, I’m just using you at this point to get my rocks off until something better comes along. Is that it?”

Neil’s mouth drops open. “No!” he shouts vehemently, reaching out towards Andrew without realizing it. His face flinches in pain. 

God, it sounds so much worse when Andrew says it like that. He feels shocked, disgusted from even hearing the words. 

“How dare you-” Andrew starts, but Neil cuts him off. 

“No, Andrew. Stop. Look at me- this is my fault. I’m the one who expected more, who thought there was more than what we have,” his voice breaks as he says it, but he forces himself to continue. “You felt pressured. I told you about- about what I am, and how it’s only ever you, and you felt trapped. I should have asked. I shouldn’t have assumed. I’m the one who’s been using you, who’s been thoughtless about all of this.” 

He swallows, and then says, “I’m sorry, Andrew. I’m so sorry.”

Andrew freezes, eyes wide and staring at him. He’s silent for a moment as he processes Neil’s words. Then he surprises Neil by digging his hands into his hair and groaning. 

“You are a fucking idiot,” he finally snaps. Then he drags a hand over his face as he sighs. “We both are.”

Neil’s nerves are shot. He realizes he’s wringing his hands. He fists them and shoves them between his knees to stop the fidgeting before clearing his throat. “You said this is nothing, and I get it, Andrew. I’ve never asked for labels or promises or...or any of that. Never expected it. I just-”

And now he’s come to it. And it’s so hard to get the words out but he has to try. He’s just now realizing that he needs it. Needs the words, like Andrew’s needed them before.

“-I just need to know that this is something that you want. That I’m something you want.” 

“Want, want, want,” Andrew mocks. “So this is only about what I want. What if I want nothing?”

Neil’s throat closes. All he can do is nod. He’ll live with it. Somehow. 

“And if I want our nothing?”

 _Our_. Neil closes his eyes. “I’m fucked up,” he whispers. 

And now Andrew’s furious, his head whipping around to pin Neil with a glare. “How convenient of you to forget that I have issues too. Or perhaps you thought that yours are greater than mine? Didn’t realize it was a pissing contest.”

“You deserve-” Neil starts again. 

“Shut up. Everyone needs to stop telling me what I do and don’t deserve." His hazel eyes drill into Neil's. "Because I know I don't deserve you, Neil. And still, I selfishly want you anyway." 

Neil’s breath seizes. He- what?

He blinks at Andrew, staring back at him in shock.

Andrew doesn’t look away. “You said you weren’t going to make decisions for me.”

Neil nods. 

“So when I say that I want this, you’re going to listen to me. And if you ever start twisting things in your head again, you’re going to ask me and I’m going to tell you the truth.”

Neil nods again. It’s not a promise of forever. But it’s an understanding of complete honesty. 

He takes his first real breath since they started this conversation.

He can see Andrew wrestling with himself. The man is agitated, hands running through his hair, clamping onto the back of his neck before he drops them again to his side. He closes his eyes, shutting them tight. Then they suddenly snap open. He pins Neil with a glare, forcing himself to meet Neil’s eyes, silently daring him to look away. 

And Andrew makes it better. He always does. “The answer is yes, Neil. I want this. I want this, want you, for as long as you want it. And because you’re an idiot, let me make it very clear that what you want is just as important to me as it is to you. Someone who walks by with a pretty face isn’t going to change that.” He leans in and grabs Neil’s chin in his hand. “Got it?”

“Okay,” Neil breathes. And it was okay. There are butterflies in his stomach now, and the world seems lighter again. Andrew wants him. He wants what they have. Neil isn’t imagining things, hasn’t read the signs wrong. He feels relief spiraling throughout his body, the tension dissipating into the air.

_But want is a two-way street._

“I want you too,” Neil admits now, so that Andrew knows. “Things were…I was just confused before. About…us.” Something inside him curls with delight at the term. “I always want you. I can’t seem to make myself stop wanting you, even if I try.” He runs both hands over his face as he confesses, “Even in my dreams I want you. It’s disgusting.”

Andrew frowns. “Disgusting?” he repeats. The look he gives Neil demands an explanation.

Neil’s cheeks grow hot. “A couple weeks ago, I dreamed we were…together…in the bed at Columbia …and I actually…” 

He makes a frustrated sound and motions something haphazardly with his hand.

“You had a wet dream about me?” Andrew asks, bluntly.

Neil blushes harder. Is that what it’s called? He nods in confirmation. “I just…wanted you so badly,” he whispers. 

Andrew looks floored. It takes him a moment to respond. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I’m not-I wasn’t- it’s not appropriate,” Neil says stubbornly. “And it doesn’t matter. What matters is how you feel. Whether you want it. I won’t be like them, Andrew. I promise.”

“You’re not, Neil, not even close, so don’t say shit like that,” Andrew snaps. “And it may not matter to you, but it-” and his voice chokes off for a second. He has to take a deep breath before his voice drops to a whisper, “-it matters to me that you want me. It makes me feel…good…to know that you want me. I thought- I had no idea that you even-” He takes another steadying breath. “I can’t always tell if you do.” 

Neil shudders, eyes closing painfully as he lets out a small breath. “That’s probably because of my mother.”

Andrew’s gaze turns intense. 

Neil knows how Andrew feels about his mother. That he has zero sympathy for the woman’s death. It makes Neil nearly flinch before he even starts. But Aaron was right. Andrew needed to know, especially…god, especially if he thought Neil didn’t want him. 

Neil’s jaw clenches as he begins. “When we were on the run, my mother thought it was too dangerous for us to get close to anyone. Not our neighbors, not the people she worked with, not any of the kids in my class. The risk was just too great. She would drum it into my head over and over, not to trust anyone. So the one time she caught this girl kissing me…she kind of went berserk.” 

He shrugs his shoulders, refusing to elaborate any further. He doesn’t have to. He knows Andrew will know. “After that, if she ever caught me looking at anyone, she would…remind me.” He swallows, taking another breath before he says, “I think…I think it messes with my head a little. I’ve wondered before if it’s one of the reasons why I like staring at you so much. Because you let me.”

Andrew clenches his hands into fists before slowly relaxing them. He lets out a shuddering breath. “I do not think you’re disgusting for looking at me or wanting me, Neil.” He clears his throat, his gaze dropping somewhere around Neil’s neck before he mutters, “I like that you like it.”

Neil smiles, leaning in close, his own hands fisting in the sheets as he stares into Andrew’s eyes. “You are the only one I’m interested in, Andrew. There’s no one else.” He swallows before he adds, “I’m proud to be yours. And I wouldn’t mind showing that you’re mine.”

He hopes Andrew understands his context. That he’s not ashamed of Andrew in any way. That Andrew’s not his to possess, but he wants to make it clear that Andrew’s who he has chosen. 

“Mine,” Andrew repeats softly. Then he looks down at Neil’s hand. 

Slowly, Neil turns it over, opening his palm. 

“Can I?” Neil asks.

Andrew falls silent for a moment, and immediately Neil starts backpedaling. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked, it’s too soon-”

“You can ask,” Andrew stops him. He pauses, and Neil watches the tips of his ears turn pink. “You’re the only one who can,” he says quietly. 

Neil sucks in a breath. “Can I touch you now?”

He hears the stutter in Andrew’s breath before he nods. “Yes.” And he turns his own hand over, unfolding his fingers so that his hand is now open.

Neil leans forward and slowly slides his fingertips across Andrew’s, down into his palm. It causes shivers to run along his skin. He traces the lines, and circles the calluses before threading their fingers together. When Andrew lets him, he turns their combined hands over so that he can run his other hand over Andrew’s knuckles and wrist bone. The smooth, pale skin and soft, blonde hairs captivate Neil, making him sigh with content as he strokes it over and over. 

“What else do you want?”

Neil looks up to find Andrew staring at him. “Ask me,” he says. His eyes are wide and curious as they gaze into Neil’s. He wants to know.

Neil swallows. “Can you tell me…did you and Kevin…?” he starts, hesitantly. 

“Never,” Andrew answers firmly. 

“Were you…interested…in that runner at the gym? Or that fan who came out to your car?”

Andrew’s eyebrows wing up for a second before he simply shakes his head. “No, they were never even…it doesn’t matter. No. Not once.”

Neil wavers. “…and that guy at the party?”

He barely gets the words out before Andrew hisses, “ _Fuck_ no. He said-” And Andrew stops himself, gritting his teeth before continuing, “He’s a fucking asshole, but…so am I. Boyd made sure to let me know exactly how it looked.” He stares straight into Neil’s eyes. “Neil, I rejected him. Immediately.”

“I know. Well, I know now because of Nicky and Aaron,” Neil admits. “And I shouldn't have assumed either. I never have before, but this time I stupidly thought you were trying to make some kind of point about us, about how ‘we’ weren’t anything.” He shrugs. “How you could choose differently, whenever you want to.”

Andrew puts his free hand under Neil’s chin to bring his gaze back up to meet Andrew’s. “I may have a choice, Neil, but each time anyone asks, it will always be you.” 

Neil sucks in a breath. “Just because I said-”

“No, Neil. You don’t understand.” Andrew shakes his head. “This-" and here he motions between the two of them. "-was never supposed to happen. I should never have let it. It would have been so easy to root you out in the beginning, to rid myself of your dangerous smile and lying tongue when I still could. But you were too tempting, a problem that I needed to solve. By the time I realized it, the damage was already done.” He smirks, the movement self-mocking. “I figured out long ago that this would not be a fight I won. And yet…”

He draws Neil’s hand, their fingers still connected, up to his mouth and presses a soft kiss to the back of it. “…somehow this doesn’t feel like surrender.” He mouths over bruised knuckles. “Only with you does each breath, each second seem more tolerable.” His lips follow the line of one scar up Neil’s finger. “You are more. You are real. You are interesting, contradictory, insufferable; a constant surprise.” He kisses each fingertip. “You are not something that can be replaced.” His mouth works its way down until he’s kissing the soft flesh of Neil’s palm. “You have devastated me, ruined me in all the best ways possible. And it will never be enough.”

He uncurls Neil’s fingers from his hand and places them on his chest, so that Neil can feel the beating of his heart. “Nothing lasts forever. An irrefutable truth.” He pauses and then says, “Because only death, Neil, can stop me from wanting you.”

His heartbeat pounds beneath Neil’s fingertips, each pulse like a jolt that travels up his arm to match the thunder echoing in his own chest.

“I shouldn’t get to keep you. I have no right to ask, but Neil…” Andrew’s fingers tighten as he stares into Neil’s eyes. “I want you to stay.”

Neil feels like his heart has clattered to a halt inside his chest. As if it’s exploded; warm, sticky pieces bursting, overflowing to travel along his veins and fill up his limbs with something so bright and wonderful that he never wants it to stop. 

He has to swallow several times before he can even think to reply. But when he does, it’s to whisper, “I will not leave you, Andrew. For as long as you want me to, I will stay.”

For a moment, they stare at one another, both of them breathing hard in the suddenly charged room. 

Neil knows they can both feel it now. This thing between them. It's overwhelming and all-consuming. It's too much and yet it's perfect. It's everything and something and nothing all at once.

Then Andrew lets out a small sigh of relief, letting Neil draw their entwined fingers away from his chest and back down into Neil's lap. Neil hums and draws soft designs and swirls over the back of Andrew’s hand as he waits. They don't speak, giving each other a moment to calm down. 

When it feels safe to again, Neil clears his throat. “So…just to be clear…we’re…is this…exclusive?”

“If you want it to be,” Andrew says, his face softening once more. “If you still want me.”

Neil nods his head rapidly. “And it’s okay if I do…right? Want you?”

“Always,” Andrew whispers. 

“Don’t ‘always’ me,” Neil quotes back, smiling even as he says it. “It’s yes until it’s no.”

Andrew tweaks his nose for this in retribution, surprising a laugh out of Neil. “286%.”

“Math doesn’t work that way,” Neil grins as Andrew rolls his eyes.

A comfortable silence falls between the two for a second before Andrew sighs. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t ask.” He closes his eyes and leans forward until their foreheads meet. It’s a soft gesture that has warmth spreading throughout Neil’s body. “I never meant to hurt you,” he whispers.

“Me either,” Neil whispers back. 

Andrew shakes his head, the movement tickling Neil’s nose. “It’s not easy sometimes.”

“What isn’t?” Neil murmurs.

“Talking. Words,” Andrew huffs. “They’re slippery. Dangerous. And…sometimes they’re not enough.” He draws back and pauses, as if unsure how to explain further. 

But suddenly Neil gets it. 

He thinks of how he’s always been drawn to language. He uses it as a shield, as a weapon, revels in the way words flow and trip off his tongue. It grounds him, delights him, soothes him in ways he can’t explain. 

But for Andrew, words have often been meaningless. They’re fragile bubbles that burst in the light, leaving a sticky residue behind to clean up. And he’s had to, more times than he can count. When he speaks, Andrew’s words are carefully chosen and to the point. It’s his actions that betray his emotions more than his speech ever could. 

Neil thinks of how Andrew feeds him fruit while he studies to ensure he eats. How he listens when Neil complains about his captain duties, how he followed Neil to the basement to check on him after Nicky made him upset, how he’s constantly there providing Neil support even when he can’t speak. How he defended him against some asshole while they were fighting, and tore apart a room because he was so worried. 

He recalls Matt saying that talking is only one way of supporting your partner. How their actions and the time they give to you can be just as important. 

He thinks he may have been a little blind to just how much Andrew has been giving him. 

“I understand,” he says now, stopping Andrew before he feels like he has to continue. “I should have before, but I get it now. I’m only interested in whatever you’re willing to give, Andrew. Nothing more.”

He hears Andrew’s quick indrawn breath before he releases it on a sigh. Neil finally feels him slowly relax. Andrew’s hand shifts to cup his cheek and Neil leans into it. He watches Andrew’s lips part, a small puff of air falling from them.

“Neil,” he says softly, hazel eyes slits beneath his lowered lids. 

“Yes,” Neil whispers, his voice already wrecked. 

Andrew lifts his other hand to frame Neil’s face, pulls him forward, and kisses him. 

The kiss is gentle, soft. It’s reassurance, forgiveness, an apology and a promise all in one. It flows from Andrew’s lips to Neil’s, and Neil drinks it in, sipping at it like a man who’s been starved of water for far too long. His mind is buzzing when Andrew leans back, eyes fluttering open and a soft smile on his lips. 

“Andrew,” he murmurs, leaning forward to try and capture his lips again.

But they both jump apart at a knock on the door. “Room Service!” calls out a cheery voice outside. 

While Neil stares at it in confusion, Andrew pops up and answers. In moments, he’s got a tray of something that smells undeniably delicious on the bed next to them. Neil’s mouth is watering, and he doesn’t even know what’s in there. His stomach growls audibly. 

“Eat first,” Andrew stubbornly tells him. Then he brushes a few curls back from Neil’s face and kisses his mouth soundly. “Then we’ll play.”

“Promise?” Neil pouts. 

“I never lie.” Andrew licks his lip and smirks when he catches Neil follow the movement. “Now hurry up.”

Grinning, Neil grabs a fork. “You know, I’m not sure this is what Wymack had in mind when he rented me a hotel room for the weekend.”

“Then he shouldn’t have put the room on the company card,” Andrew scoffs. 

“He wanted me to sleep, eat, and relax, Andrew. On my own. For the good of the team.”

Andrew looks pointedly down at the bed where the tray sits. “You’ve already got two out of three. I’m just here to make sure you actually do the third. For the good of the team.”

“How helpful,” Neil teases. “Does Wymack know the sacrifice you’re making for them?”

Andrew smirks then. “Just following Coach’s orders. Who am I to argue?” 

And Neil laughs as he digs in, sneakily threading his fingers into Andrew’s hand again as he does so. And he’s thrilled when Andrew lets him. 

\---

After Neil nearly licks his plate clean, Andrew stares down at the empty dish. “Satisfied?” he asks.

“Not quite,” Neil muses as he looks over at Andrew. “Still feeling a little hungry actually.”

“Oh?” Andrew raises a brow as he grabs the tray and places it over on the table so that it’s out of the way. “What else do you want?”

“You,” Neil whispers, crawling on all fours until he’s on his knees near the edge of the bed, facing Andrew. “Can I blow you, Andrew?”

Andrew freezes. Neil watches him swallow hard before he snaps, “Yes.” 

Neil smiles as Andrew draws closer. “Can I touch you? Or just my mouth?”

Andrew pauses before he says, “Just on my hips. Hold, don’t grab.”

Neil nods quickly.

Andrew shoves his pants and boxers down his legs, freeing his already hard cock so that it slaps wetly against his stomach. Neil smiles as soon as he sees it, leaning forward to place a kiss tentatively on the head. Then he uses his tongue to lick it, swirling it around in his mouth as he bobs his head. 

Above him, he hears Andrew groan. 

Then, slowly, Neil moves forward, taking Andrew further into his mouth and down his throat. It had taken them many times before Neil could do this without gagging, but he feels like it’s worth it now when he swallows and Andrew’s legs tremble at the action. 

He sets a steady rhythm, coating Andrew’s dick with his saliva as he sucks him off, the back and forth slide becoming easier and easier as he goes. Andrew’s fingers thread gently through his hair, as Neil lightly holds Andrew’s hips. 

He opens his eyes and looks up at Andrew, whose cheeks immediately flush as they make eye contact. He keeps his gaze as he laves his tongue between the slit of Andrew’s head and then slowly slides back down. Andrew’s fingers tighten for only a second before they release him again. 

This time, when Neil slides down, he waits. After a second, Andrew understands. He slowly pulls his hips back and thrusts forward, fucking Neil’s mouth with a gentle rhythm. Neil’s own cock begins to harden as Andrew uses his mouth, the other’s gasps becoming louder in the quiet room. 

“Neil,” he groans, his muscles trembling from holding back, keeping to the slow, steady rhythm his hips have set. Neil can tell he’s close, so he simply taps Andrew’s hip twice. 

A few seconds later, Andrew cums in large, hot spurts down Neil’s throat. He hears Andrew’s breath catch and stutter. Neil swallows and continues to suck until Andrew slowly slides his dick out of Neil’s mouth. 

Neil licks his lips before he grins at Andrew. “Now I’m satisfied.”

“I’m not,” Andrew growls, playfully pushing Neil’s shoulder so that he falls back against the bed. Neil laughs. 

Andrew ditches everything but his shirt before he crawls on top of Neil. This time he stares openly at Neil’s body, his gaze lingering as he slowly takes him in, and Neil doesn’t bother to hide the way he shivers in response. 

He leans forward and captures Neil’s face in his hands again, but instead of going to his lips, he softly kisses his forehead. Neil’s eyes close at the touch, and Andrew kisses his eyelids as well. He presses his lips to Neil’s nose, to each scar on his face, the corner of his eyes, his chin, before finally dragging his lips back to Neil’s. 

“This damn mouth,” he growls between breaths. “I hate it so much.”

Neil’s lips quirk at the unusual admission. Andrew doesn’t talk much in bed, so the fact that he’s speaking at all drives a secret thrill up his spine. 

As they continue to kiss, Andrew’s hands sneak up Neil’s chest, lingering on the outline of each rib, making Neil gasp into Andrew’s mouth. Usually Andrew runs cold, but today his hands are burning as he traces them over Neil’s already warm skin. Up and over Neil’s valleys and ridges they travel, stoking the flame higher and higher. He’s practically vibrating when Andrew’s thumb draws maddening circles around the skin of his nipple, never quite touching. 

Neil tears his mouth away to whine, “Andrew.”

Andrew lifts an eyebrow. “Yes or no, Neil?”

His thumb circles again, getting closer. 

“Yes,” Neil chokes out. He throws his head back, and Andrew immediately traces the column of exposed skin with his lips. 

When Andrew finally drags his thumb across Neil’s nipple, pleasure spikes through Neil’s body. He jolts, his body arching upwards. Andrew grinds his hips down against Neil’s in response, pinning him as he continues his onslaught. 

“Always so sensitive,” Andrew nibbles the words into Neil’s collarbone, bites them into his shoulder, licks his way down the scars on his chest. “Infuriating.”

He flicks the tip of Neil’s nipple with his tongue and an embarrassing moan punches its way out of Neil’s throat. When he pulls back and blows cool air across the bud, Neil nearly cums. 

“Andrew,” he whines again, his legs shifting, thighs rubbing together. 

“What do you want, Neil?” Andrew whispers. 

“Can you…can you touch me?”

“Where?” Andrew smirks as he drags his lips over Neil’s stomach. His hands flow down to Neil’s hips, teasing at the edge of his underwear, before surging below it to cup his butt. He makes a noise that sounds suspiciously like a moan. “I hate your ass. Hate it with a passion. Hate how it feels. Hate how it connects to your stupid legs. Hate how it looks in your stupid running shorts. I _hate_ it.”

And with a jolt of realization, Neil finally gets it. Andrew is pointing out all the things he finds attractive about Neil, in the only way he knows how. 

Neil’s heart is suddenly so full it feels like bursting. 

“Andrew,” he says again, his body on fire. “Touch me _there_.”

“Where’s ‘there’?”

Neil huffs out a breath before he reaches down, grabs onto his boxer briefs, and pushes them down to his thighs. He tries not to be embarrassed by how wet they are. “Hurry up and put your hand on my dick, you ass.”

Andrew huffs, a noise that’s somewhere between exasperation and humor. “Impatient.”

“No. Just need you. Now.”

As Andrew curls his fingers around Neil, Neil lets out a shaky breath. “Been dying for you to touch me.”

“All you have to do is ask,” Andrew whispers into Neil’s ear as he begins stroking him in long pulls, twisting his hand over the head alternatively. It immediately has Neil’s hips setting a greedy rhythm, his mouth making obscene noises with each stroke of Andrew’s hot fist.

“Where? Where can I touch you?” he asks, suddenly needing to feel Andrew beneath his fingertips. 

“Anywhere but my ass,” Andrew responds quickly, apparently needing him as well. 

Immediately, Neil dives his hands into Andrew’s hair, pulling him up for another mind-blowing kiss. Again and again Neil arches up into Andrew’s hand as their mouths nip and tease, soften and soothe one another. Neil slides his hands over Andrew’s shoulders, down the hard muscles of his back, before trailing up his sides. He’s just tracing his hands over Andrew’s biceps when the man suddenly pulls back, groaning, “I want you in my mouth.” 

Immediately, Neil has to clamp onto Andrew’s hand, forming a tight fist around the base of his cock to stave off the nearly unbearable sensations. Only once they’ve passed does he grab hold of Andrew’s hand, lifting it up and off of him to try and let his body cool for a moment. He places a kiss in the middle of his palm. 

“Phew,” Neil says, grinning as he leans back. “That was close.” 

Andrew’s lips twitch. “Yes or no, Neil?”

“Hell yes.”

Again, Andrew’s mouth quirks before he’s kissing his way down Neil’s chest, down his stomach, bypassing his dick to make marks up the inside of Neil’s inner thigh. He pulls Neil’s underwear all the way off, sliding it down his legs and flinging it somewhere behind him.

“Stupid legs,” he growls. “Stupidly tight, strong legs because of all your goddamn running. They’re the worst.” But he punctuates each word with another open-mouthed kiss, his mouth worshipping Neil’s thighs. He runs up the inside of one leg, and down the other, his teeth grazing each tendon gently.

By the time he circles back to Neil’s groin, Neil is panting once more. 

Andrew doesn’t waste time teasing. He takes all of Neil in one single motion, making Neil’s body buck upwards, hissing breath through his teeth. Andrew clamps his hands onto Neil’s hips to keep him still, and then sets a steady rhythm on him. He bobs his head, sliding Neil down his throat slowly, then pulling all the way back up to suck hard on the tip before he goes down on him again. 

It makes Neil dig his fingers deep into the sheet with every pull. His body arches with Andrew as he slides his way up towards the head, his stomach curling into the feeling of Andrew’s hot mouth sucking hard on him, before he releases him, Neil falling back as Andrew slides downwards and starting all over again. 

Neil has a vague, offhand thought of this being a fantastic ab workout. Kevin would be pleased. Then he starts chuckling with the thought of Kevin’s appalled face if Neil suggested such a workout. 

Andrew pops off him, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. “What are you laughing about?”

Neil shakes his head, smiling. “Nothing.”

“Really?” Andrew lifts an eyebrow, his lips mouthing along the underside of Neil’s dick gently. “You have the gall to laugh while I’m giving you an amazing blowjob, and you won’t tell me why? Feels like I should punish you for that.”

Neil sucks in a breath, interest sparking at the words. “Really?” he murmurs. “And what would that entail?”

Now Andrew’s eyes widen as he stares at Neil for a few seconds. He swallows, then shakes his head. “Not today,” he whispers. “But…maybe…we’ll try. Someday.”

Neil smiles, nodding his head as Andrew swallows him down once more.

This time, Neil is so close, he’s shaking when he puts his hand on Andrew’s cheek. Andrew stops, looking up at him with concern. But Neil just gives him a wobbly grin. “Too close. Want you inside of me when I cum.”

Andrew’s breath stutters. He stares up at Neil with wide eyes, his chest shaking. 

Neil cocks his head. “Yes or no to fucking me, Andrew?”

“Yes,” Andrew growls, before he sits up and rids himself of his shirt with one quick move. He flops himself down on the bed and scoots back until he’s sitting against the headboard. Then he grabs at Neil’s hips, who eagerly scrambles over to him, positioning himself above Andrew’s thighs. 

Andrew buries his face into Neil’s shoulder again as he grabs Neil’s ass, kneading and separating him to slide a finger along his hole. Neil ruts against him once or twice before Andrew slides him back to look him in the eye. 

“Lube?” he asks bluntly. 

“Um,” Neil responds before his eyes dart over to his bag. He jumps down, rifles through it before he comes back, holding the tube aloft triumphantly.

Andrew snorts before he’s grabbing Neil again. Once Neil’s back in position, Andrew pours out some lube, rubbing it between his fingers to make it warm before he spreads Neil’s cheeks. He circles multiple times, making Neil chase after him before he asks one last time. “Yes or no, Neil?”

“Yes, yes,” Neil quickly agrees, then sighs as Andrew’s finger finally slides in deep. He relaxes, letting Andrew push in even farther and Andrew growls in response. 

“Yes, just like that,” he whispers, and Neil’s muscles immediately clamp down hard on his digit in response. 

Both of them moan out loud.

Andrew begins opening him up, sliding back and forth, adding another finger when he thinks Neil is ready. He scissors him open, circling inside, as Neil gasps and quivers. Andrew’s fingertips brush past Neil’s prostate elusively, making him jump. Neil takes his revenge by kissing and suckling up the long line of Andrew’s neck, making the man pant beneath him.

Andrew insists on using three fingers despite Neil’s protests, ensuring Neil is well and truly prepped before he’ll even consider entering him. So by the time Neil is nearly begging for Andrew to fuck him, Andrew’s cock is hard once more.

With one swift movement, Andrew pushes Neil back down onto the bed, spreading his legs and pushing Neil’s thighs up to his chest. With one hand he lubes up his own cock, before he positions the tip at Neil’s entrance. Then he slowly pushes forward. 

When Andrew finally slides inside of him, they both groan. 

“God, you feel so fucking good,” Andrew rasps. 

Neil’s cock immediately jumps at the words. He blushes at the pleasurable sensations that race through him. Then he brushes past the reaction, trying his best to ignore it, but Andrew notices.

He catches Neil’s eye before a corner of his mouth lifts. “Really?”

Neil blushes even harder. 

But Andrew just waits, seated full and deep inside of Neil, as he asks, “Neil. Tell me, do you want it hard or slow?”

Neil keens, stomach shuddering and hips lifting at the words. But Andrew doesn’t move. 

“Neil, you need to tell me. What do you want? Hard or slow?”

Neil swallows, chest panting as he fights to find the words. Fights against himself to say exactly what he wants. Finally, he chokes out, “Hard.”

Then he throws his head to the side, face flaming, unable to bear looking at Andrew anymore. 

But he feels Andrew’s fingers on his chin a few seconds later, turning him back to face him. “Thank you for being honest,” he says softly, and kisses Neil once, just a brief meeting of lips before he sits up again.

Then Andrew snaps his hips and Neil’s mouth drops open on a moan. 

“Fuck,” he bites out, as Andrew begins slamming into him, again and again, thrusting perfectly to rub against his prostate. He’s so deep that Neil has trouble determining right now where one of them ends and the other begins. It gives Neil this deep-seated feeling of connection, of closeness, that he loves whenever they fuck. He’s never been this close with anyone, and the enormity of it nearly overwhelms him.

He focuses back on Andrew to help steady himself.

Andrew is sliding above him, his body flushed, glowing with a sheen of perspiration over his entire torso as he never falters, ramming into Neil again and again. His muscles bulge and glisten, shifting as he moves relentlessly over Neil. It has Neil babbling, his mouth spewing filthy, honest words that he knows he should be ashamed of but can’t seem to help himself. 

“Drew, more, more- god, I can’t- harder, harder- fuck me, fuck me- god, it’s so good-”

Luckily, Andrew doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, it seems to drive him harder, his cock bottoming out inside of Neil with each thrust. He’s panting too as he asks Neil, “Can you cum like this, Neil? Just from my cock? Can you do that?”

“Fuck, yes, yes,” Neil answers, and he knows it’s true. It’s been so long since they’ve done anything that he’s ready to explode.

He reaches up, grabbing hold of Andrew’s shoulders and pulling him in closer as he sobs, “It’s only you, Drew, only you- always, only you-”

“It’s only you for me too,” Andrew whispers in his ear. 

And just like that, Neil is cumming. His body seizes, hips shaking as he clenches over Andrew’s cock again and again. His stomach is a mess, covered in a thick puddle of cum. 

He falls back as the waves of pleasure continue to echo through him, watching and encouraging Andrew as he chases after his own release. It only takes Andrew a few seconds longer, his hips pistoning against Neil’s before he pulses inside of him, something hot and wet filling Neil up. 

Then his breath is nearly knocked out of him when Andrew drops forward on top of him. He buries his nose in the crook of Neil’s neck as he gasps. His hands find Neil’s and pulls them over his head, threading their fingers together. Together, they stay like that, until their breaths finally start to slow.

Then, Andrew lifts himself up slightly onto his elbows, leans down, and kisses Neil. He rubs their noses together as he whispers, “Only you.”

And Neil smiles as he responds, “It’s only you for me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, guys- oh gosh, oh man. Hope that was worth the wait! 😖😅 This was definitely the most challenging scene for me to write because it's like using a crowbar to get Andrew to talk- he is a man of Action™ NOT Words™. (Or at least not nice, soft, lovey-dovey words- Neil and him breathe sarcasm and are natural-born instigators, so there's only so much you can use of that in this kind of Talk LOL.) But I had always imagined that this would somehow have to happen at some point after the series- this talk and confirmation that they may not be a Conventional, Pre-Defined Thing....but they are a Thing. Their own Thing. And they'll have to continue re-shaping their Thing as stuff like this comes up, but for Neil to have that confirmation is really everything. 💖
> 
> One last chapter to go! And get ready...because I have a surprise for you guys next time...😉🤫🤐 
> 
> Next Time: 
> 
> “Neil, your boy is on fire tonight,” Matt cackles as he watches another guy approach Andrew at the bar. “That must be what- the fourth guy who’s hit on him?” 
> 
> “Fifth,” Aaron growls.
> 
> Neil’s brow furrows.
> 
> “What the hell kind of cologne did he put on tonight? _Gay Pheromones_?” Allison inquires. “They’re coming out of the freaking woodwork. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten this much action at a bar. I’m insulted. Why am I not getting hit on?”
> 
> “We’re in a gay bar, Alli,” Katelyn reminds her gently. 
> 
> “What does that have to do with anything?” 
> 
> “This isn’t a gay bar!” Aaron snaps. Then he starts looking around the place with a frown. “Is it?” He looks down at his drink in horror. “Oh my god.” 
> 
> “It’ll be okay, babe,” Katelyn pats his arm. Nicky begins snickering.


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Eden's! Where it all began...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W for slightly unpleasant vibes of a sexual nature in conversation.

“Come here, Ginger Cap, I’ve missed you!” Dan pulls him into a headlock, ruffling his hair mercilessly as Neil grins. 

She, Allison, and Renee are finally in town to visit, and they’ve all caravanned out to Eden’s to celebrate. Though they’ll be staying on campus for most of their stay, tonight Neil’s managed to convince Andrew to let them sleepover at the house in Columbia, which means the group will probably get breakfast together in the morning. 

It’s stupid, and he won’t admit it to anyone, but Neil is thrilled to see his family together again.

His good mood is sparked even further by the fact that it’s a good night for Andrew. He’s handed his keys off to Neil as soon as they walked in the door, which means he’s feeling comfortable enough to drink with the team. For reasons unknown to Neil, Andrew’s also been shockingly handsy tonight: snagging his pinky as they make their way to the table, brushing fingers into Neil’s curls, placing a hand on the small of his back, giving a small squeeze to his knee under the table. It has Neil breathless, his cheeks tinged with color as he fights to pay attention to the conversation around him. 

It doesn’t help that Andrew looks unfairly handsome tonight. His dark blue, ripped skinny jeans are shoved into some dark brown doc martens, while a soft, forest green shirt clings tightly to his arms and torso. It brings out his eyes and is such a change from his usual black attire that even Katelyn gaped when she saw him wearing it. Once Nicky nearly got stabbed for mentioning it though, no one else has dared to broach the subject. But Neil can’t keep his eyes off him; he’s mortified to admit Kevin has caught him staring twice. 

Thank god he’s the only one who understands French on the team. Kevin’s mercilessly teasing would be downright unbearable otherwise. 

When Andrew gets up to grab another round for the table, Neil gratefully sucks air into his poor lungs and tries to calm himself down. He can’t take much more of this. Especially since he knows they won’t be fooling around when they get home- not in a house full of Foxes and Andrew drinking. 

If Neil didn’t know any better, he’d say Andrew was teasing him. 

But that couldn’t be it. Could it? 

“Neil, your boy is on fire tonight,” Matt cackles as he watches another guy approach Andrew at the bar. “That must be what- the fourth guy who’s hit on him?”

“Fifth,” Aaron growls.

Neil’s brow furrows.

“What the hell kind of cologne did he put on tonight? _Gay Pheromones_?” Allison inquires. “They’re coming out of the freaking woodwork. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten this much action at a bar. I’m insulted. Why am I not getting hit on?”

“We’re in a gay bar, Alli,” Katelyn reminds her gently. 

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“This isn’t a gay bar!” Aaron snaps. Then he starts looking around the place with a frown. “Is it?” He looks down at his drink in horror. “Oh my god.”

“It’ll be okay, babe,” Katelyn pats his arm. Nicky begins snickering. 

Kevin slams his shot glass down on the table. “Ten says he punches this one in the stomach.”

Dan slams hers down next to his. “Fifteen says he draws one of his knives.”

“Ah, sorry babe,” Matt winces. “He already got those confiscated around guy number two, remember?”

Renee waves a hand that flashes a glimpse of a knife before smiling serenely. 

“Damn it,” Dan smacks her hand against her forehead. “How could I forget?”

“Alcohol,” Kevin pats her shoulder consolingly. 

Neil looks bewilderedly down at the bar and then turns back to his team. “Is it something I’m doing wrong? Am I not putting off the right vibes?”

Allison snorts. “You’re not putting off any vibes, hon. _We_ barely know you’re dating. There’s times I’m tempted to check for a pulse, just to make sure you’re still alive.” 

Neil scowls darkly at her before turning back towards the bar. Andrew smirks as he stands next to Roland, one hip jutted out as he leans against the bar, his tight jeans cupping his ass. He’s relaxed, at ease. He raises an eyebrow as he stares back at Neil and ignores the guy chattering next to him, rolling his shoulders so that the muscles underneath his shirt ripple in response. 

Neil swallows. Holy hell. 

Andrew is definitely teasing him. And he’s having fun doing it. 

It’s a revelation that astonishes Neil while making him feel insanely proud of Andrew at the same time. It’s a huge step. He’s glad Andrew feels attractive tonight and wants to show it off. He’s happy that Andrew feels comfortable enough to tease him while doing it. Andrew looks good, is dressed even better, and now that he’s noticed, Neil isn’t surprised by the attention he’s getting. 

He’s also glad he had his breakdown with Andrew a couple weeks ago, or he might have done something really stupid by now. But after the way Andrew took care of him all weekend in that hotel, Neil is only mildly concerned. He knows Andrew will turn them all away. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t still annoying. 

As Roland fills up the tray with new drinks, the guy hitting on Andrew leans closer. Neil watches the tension start to seep into Andrew’s frame, the way he rolls his eyes and snaps at the guy, putting space between them. But the man is persistent. A _Stage Five Clinger_ , as Nicky puts it, though Neil has no idea what that means. 

He frowns and turns back to the group. “What about the hickeys I put on his neck? Don’t they say something?”

Matt chokes on his drink.

Allison rolls her eyes. “They say he’s active, not taken. They don’t have your name on them, Neil.”

“Well how else am I supposed to show we’re…you know?” He makes a motion with his hand awkwardly that even he doesn’t understand. 

Allison levels him with a look that says no one else does either. “No, we don’t know,” she deadpans, solidifying it.

“Allison,” Renee chides gently. 

Neil makes a frustrated noise in his throat before threading a hand through his hair. He looks away from the table. 

His family takes pity on him and begins pitching ideas. 

“Custom T-shirt,” Dan proposes. “‘If Lost, Return to Neil’.”

Neil blanches. “We’re not eighty, thanks. Nor is he my property.”

“Matching BFF bracelets,” Matt suggests.

Allison scoffs. “He asked for ideas for Andrew. Not you and Neil.”

“Ooh, how about a collar?” Nicky pipes up.

“Kinky!” Dan cackles, and they clink glasses. 

“A tattoo of your name,” Kevin offers.

“Too permanent,” Aaron scowls. “And creepily possessive.”

“Amateurs,” Katelyn accuses them all. “It’s called putting a ring on it.” She waves her left hand in front of them, wiggling her ring finger. Though it’s currently unadorned, the other Foxes cheer, and Aaron turns beet red beside her. 

Neil dismisses all of them as unhelpful. (Although he gives Katelyn a considering look). 

Then his attention is captured by a completely aggravated Andrew returning, the guy still clinging to his heels. As soon as he reaches them, Andrew basically tosses the tray of drinks down onto the table. It slides across the surface so hard and fast that Dan has to stop it from falling into her and Neil’s laps. Neil has a moment of déjà vu. “I told you to fuck off. I said I’m not interested.”

“Aww, don’t be like that babe! Handsome guy like you, alone for the night? With those gorgeous eyes? Let me entertain you.”

Andrew holds his hand out to indicate the large group sitting at the table. “What do you think they’re here for?”

“Different kind of entertainment,” the guy says, and has the audacity to wink. 

“No need. That’s his job,” Andrew jerks his head towards Neil. 

“That guy?” The idiot points at Neil. “He can’t take care of you the way I can, babe. Let me show you how a real man does it.”

Andrew drags a hand over his face. He reaches down to the drink tray and gulps two shots in quick succession. 

Neil holds both hands up in a classic _what the hell_ gesture. He doesn’t even know the guy. 

He looks to his team, but they burst out laughing. Matt buries his face in Dan’s shoulder as they both shake with mirth. Nicky is hooting, his arm around Kevin’s neck as they both crack up. Even Renee’s mouth splits into a grin. 

“You gonna take that sitting down, sugar?” Allison says under her breath to Neil, unable to keep the glee out of her tone. 

“Can you please get him to shut up and go away?” Aaron snarls at Andrew. 

“What the fuck do you think I’ve been doing for the last five minutes?” Andrew snaps back.

“Talking to your new man?” The idiot wiggles his eyebrows. “The guy who’s gonna rock your world?”

Andrew balls his hand into a fist when Renee calls out to him. “Andrew, remember the promise you gave Wymack earlier this evening.”

“Promise?” Kevin demands. “What promise?”

“Think it has something to do with the room bill Andrew ran up when he and Neil eloped to that hotel?” Matt stage-whispers to the group, adding a lascivious wink at the end. 

“That’s right! The hotel!” Allison snaps her fingers as she remembers, her interest piqued once more. “Details. Now.” 

Andrew glares at Renee. She shrugs her shoulders lightly. “You gave your word. No violence.”

They stare at one another for a moment longer, a silent exchange taking place.

“This is all your fault,” Andrew suddenly turns on Nicky. 

“What?” Nicky looks at him guiltily. “I had no idea why he wanted Roland’s number!”

“You had no idea why our coach suddenly wanted the number of a bartender we visit every weekend?” Aaron deadpans. 

“What? Maybe he wanted some chocolate booty all to himself. Who am I to judge?”

“Can we not talk about my father getting booty around me? Ever?” Kevin mutters.

“Your daddy getting booty is the only reason you’re here, Kev,” Allison reminds him gleefully. 

Andrew rubs a hand over his face. “I’m surrounded by idiots. I can’t take it.”

“Mmm, I don’t know. You definitely look like the kind of guy who can take it,” the guy leers, his eyes lingering on Andrew. “And I’m telling you, gorgeous, I can satisfy you all night long.”

Neil snaps his attention back to him at that comment. His eyes narrow. 

The rest of the table stops laughing. 

“What did you just say?” Allison asks hotly. 

Andrew starts pushing up his sleeves. 

“Andrew,” Renee’s soft voice calls out. “You promised.”

“I say it’s past time you shut up and walked away, buddy,” Matt frowns. 

“No, go ahead, say it again, you punk ass bitch,” Aaron starts to stand as Katelyn grabs his arm quickly.

“Aaron,” Andrew says warningly. 

“What? _I_ didn’t promise Wymack anything.”

Neil hovers on the edge of his seat. He’s pissed, but not only did they promise Wymack no incidents, he also doesn’t want Aaron’s name getting dragged into anything again. The one court case they’ve been to already is enough to last all of them a lifetime. 

Andrew must have decided the same. 

“That’s it,” Andrew snaps. “Neil. Get over here. Now.”

Neil glares back at him from where he sits in the middle of the booth, between Dan and Renee. Why the hell is he always in the middle of the booth when this shit happens?

He huffs out a breath, then simply steps up and walks across the table, ignoring his team’s yelps as they scramble to move their drinks out of the way. He hops down off the table before leaning back against it and crossing his arms. He pins Andrew with a look that says _Well? I’m here. Now what?_

Andrew turns to him, locks eyes, and whispers. “Yes or no?”

_Interesting._ “Yes.”

Andrew faces the idiot one last time. “Here’s the deal, asshole. Apparently, you’re either a moron or have a serious problem with your hearing, so let me show you.” He shoves Neil to the side and hops up onto the table so that he’s sitting on it. Then he grabs Neil’s belt loops, pulling him forward until he’s standing between Andrew’s spread legs, facing him. “The only one who’s satisfying me tonight is this idiot. So fuck off. Get it?”

And with that, Andrew grabs onto the front of Neil’s shirt and yanks him forward to kiss him. 

At first, Neil is caught off-guard, but within seconds, he’s lost himself to Andrew’s mouth, letting it take him under. When he surfaces, he’s got his hands buried in Andrew’s hair, and Andrew is lying back on the table, his arms around Neil’s neck. The Foxes are screaming and banging the table with delight, Dan’s wolf-whistle piercing the air while Aaron mimes retching to his right. (At least, Neil thinks he’s pretending- he’s not actually sure.) Katelyn just soothingly strokes his back as she grins. Nicky is taking a thousand pictures with his phone, and Kevin is two-fisting his drinks, holding them aloft to save them from spilling. 

And the guy is finally gone. 

Neil blushes and pulls Andrew and himself upright, before sinking down into a chair someone has found them at the end of the table. Andrew hops down off the table and, shocking Neil for the hundredth time that night, sits down in his lap.

“Andrew?” Neil whispers, eyes wide. “Yes or no?”

Andrew rolls his eyes. “It’s a yes, Neil.” Then he glares at the rest of the table as they stare at him stunned. “You fuckers can get your own drinks for the rest of the night.” 

Allison cackles, thumping the table with enthusiasm. “Now this is the kind of reunion I expect from you dumb shits!”

“Holy crap,” Matt says, his eyes wide. “That was amazing!”

Dan grins. “Y’all are cute.”

“Hold on, wait a minute, this is something now, right?” Nicky asks eagerly, pointing at the two of them. “We can call it that?”

“Call it whatever the fuck you want,” Andrew snaps. “As long as it means I’m with Neil, I don’t give a shit.”

Neil’s face flushes so hard that it matches his hair color. Or so Dan says. 

“God, you’re easy,” Andrew complains under his breath, but it’s somewhat muted by the small twitch at the corner of his lips. “And if you idiots don’t stop screaming, I’m taking Neil home and locking the rest of you out of the house.”

Nicky gasps. “Andrew Joseph Minyard, you ungrateful wretch, you cannot sexile me out of my own house!”

“Watch me.”

Neil grins as they continue bickering, slowly putting his arms around Andrew’s waist, and leaning his chin on his shoulder. After a moment, Andrew settles back against Neil’s chest as he allows Renee to try and mediate between them. 

Neil knows this is the closest he’ll get to Andrew now for the rest of the night, but he doesn’t mind. He’ll take whatever Andrew will give him, and he’s already stretched his boundaries quite a bit tonight. 

They’ve got plenty of time in the future to explore further if they want. And if they don’t, that’s okay too. As long as Neil is with Andrew, then he has everything he needs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! Guys, thank you so much for following along with this fic!! This has been an amazing, crazy, angst-filled ride and I loved having all of you join me for it!! Your comments and thoughts were fantastic, and had me thinking, laughing, and getting mad all along with you! You guys are the absolute best!!!
> 
> I hope I did the topic justice, so to all my demisexual peeps out there- this one was totally for you! 💖💖
> 
> So…now for my surprise. I honestly don’t know how I’ve been able to keep this secret for so long because I’ve been DYING to answer some of your responses about it but here we go…
> 
> So you know how I wrote this entire fic from Neil’s POV? Well, here’s the thing…I also wrote the entire thing from Andrew’s. AT THE SAME TIME. (WHAT??? IKR- was I trying to kill myself or something? WOOF). ((okay okay let’s be real- it’s _mostly_ done. B/c I’m a hyper perfectionist when it comes to editing. Don’t worry tho- we’ll get through this 😉))
> 
> SOOO…starting after the holidays, I’m beginning Part 2 of this fic, called [I Want You To Stay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28508778) which is completely from Andrew’s POV. It has all your favorite moments of this fic PLUS some new stuff you haven’t seen before. (And because it’s Andrew of course it’s like 16k+ longer…cuz that boy’s a thinker, phew). So if you enjoyed this fic, I sincerely hope you’ll join me for round 2 with Andrew! 
> 
> And…true to form…here’s a sneak peek of that fic below: 
> 
> Andrew stares into the full-length mirror on the back of their bedroom door. He’s late. The others have already changed and are waiting for him in the living room. This doesn’t faze him though; they can wait. 
> 
> It’s the usual Saturday night routine. Their group is hitting the road, starting with dinner at Sweetie’s, followed by drinking and dancing at Eden’s, and ending with the house in Columbia. It’s the same pattern, week after week; a ritual that by all rights Andrew should be bored of. And maybe he is because nowadays he finds himself wishing the nights would go by faster, so that he can get to the end. Where his bedroom in Columbia waits. Where a certain redhead sometimes joins him.
> 
> Andrew rubs a hand over his face, pulling at dark circles under tired eyes. The man in the glass sighs. 
> 
> He turns towards the dresser. Andrew pulls out his clothes methodically, placing them on the bed, fingers rubbing the soft fabrics soothingly. He checks the door is locked again for the third time before he finally starts undressing. Across the room, his image follows. 
> 
> Neil hates this looking glass. He avoids it like the plague. But to Andrew it’s just a reflection, a perspective of what others see. He stares at his pale, pale skin and flaxen hair, almost translucent in the right light, juxtaposed against the darkness of his clothing behind him. He thinks of faded, white scars hidden under black armbands. It’s ink on paper, or ash on bone. It’s oil spilling onto what once was pure. 
> 
> He won’t let smeared fingerprints drag him down tonight. 
> 
> Happy Holidays everyone!!! 🎄🎁🎉😘


End file.
